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Author Topic: To Pilot Echo River, From Pilot Echo Dau  (Read 519 times)

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Offline GoblinFae

To Pilot Echo River, From Pilot Echo Dau
« on: February 13, 2018, 12:56:33 pm »
Jesse,

I miss you.

I know you'll never see this and it's all for me but I miss you so much. I can't help but think it's my fault, that I could have done something, that I should have done something more. Cabe says otherwise but I was a terrible friend to you, to both of you. I'm working on that though. Too little, too late but maybe I can be better for him the way I should have been for you. I'm sorry. I hope that if there is something beyond this physical shell of existence that I'll get a chance to tell you that in person, that one day I'll get to hug you again and beg your forgiveness as I should have done in life. One days and somedays, right? Ha.

The mice are doing well. The cage was a bitch though you beautiful bastard. Ren had to help me with it. You would have liked him. I'm sure if all three of you boys got together not even the rains of Samariel could have saved this dome from your chaos. He's been good to Cabe and I though I think. Perhaps he's the angel you've sent to us in your absence, or whatever spiritual hullabaloo exists. I don't know anymore. We never really talked about faith. What's the point in this world of flashing lights, pounding music, and buzzing technology, right? I just know I feel so adrift these days. Cabe's gone and now so are you. Why am I always the one left behind, Jesse? Why am I cursed to always remember while others forget?

Goddess above how I miss you right now. You always knew what silly thing to say or do to have me rolling my eyes. Did you know I secretly loved it? I hope you did. I hope you knew how much I cared for you, how blessed I felt to have you in my life. I shouldn't have taken that for granted. I should have taken the time to tell you more. We know better than anyone how fleeting the time we have is.

I was talking about the mice though hahaha. I named them. Mitra and Amice. I thought you would get a kick out of the second one. The names mean friend or so I'm meant to believe. Perhaps it's fitting that my only friends now will be these sweet, precious babies. I promise I won't fail them or you this time. They will be the most spoiled babies ever now. And you were right, they are the most snuggly little balls of fluff ever. They love to curl up in the hood of my jacket and sleep against the back of my neck. I bought them each a ball to play in too but they tend to just follow me about as I clean when I'm home. Thank you for them. I don't think I deserve them, but I am grateful for your trust in me.

Not just your trust either, I'm grateful for all that you were in my life, colleague, friend, family. I'm glad I made your life meaningful and I hope that you understand how much you mean to me, how important you were and still are to me. I will never forget you. You have my word on that, Jesse River. No matter who they make me or what I do, I will never forget all you've done for me and all you are to me. Be at peace my dear friend. I've lit some incense for you, peppermint. It's the closest I could get to those awful menthols you always smoked. I hope it's enough.

I love you, Jesse. <3 Goodbye for now.

Your favorite mouse-girl,
Jain

Offline GoblinFae

Re: To Pilot Echo River, From Pilot Echo Dau
« Reply #1 on: February 13, 2018, 12:58:24 pm »
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Offline GoblinFae

Re: To Pilot Echo River, From Pilot Echo Dau
« Reply #2 on: May 25, 2018, 06:56:01 pm »
Hey,

I know, I'm sorry for writing you again. I just... a lot's happened since I last wrote you. I can't believe it's only been three months. It seems so far away and yet so close. I reach for the com less to call you now...it hurts when I forget though. I see you in so many things that I do, Jesse. Things I didn't even realize before that have always had your touch in them.

Ren came to live with me for a while. I told you about him. He turned out to be a really great friend. He could never replace you or Cabe but he definitely made room for himself in my heart. He got your mouse-girl to relax if you can believe it. Smoke rings were not successful however. I know you're not surprised there.

He's in love with Cabe. Well...they're fated. Cabe is his Resonance, his...one. His person, the thing I always wanted to be. You knew that, didn't you? That I loved him, that I still do...Ren does too. It's no hard feelings for either of us and honestly seeing them together...it makes me happy. Cabe lights up more. He's happy in his own way. And I am happy for him because of it. Ren is adorable. Poor man practically glows the moment Cabe pops up. It's precious. I have so much hope for them and only the bestest of wishes. I've been burning amber for them. It's supposed to be for love and comfort and home if such things are to be believed.

I still love Cabe. I love Ren too in my own way for that matter. I think though I'm okay with the idea that no one is going to be in love with me. I know that they love me, a lot even. They both proved it a hundred times over when I was being so stupid. But, Jesse I feel lonely. I'm trying to be better though. I really am. No more excuses and all that. I'm doing things for myself now. I'm going places and trying to make friends. Some days are better than others. It's not easy.

They gave me a partner for work. His name is Orphen. Work-wise I don't know what to think of him. I don't know why they gave me a partner. I'm just waiting for the word to be told I've fucked up enough that I can't be trusted on my own anymore. After what happened I wouldn't be surprised if they did...As a person though he's another good man. He looks out for me. He's trying, I'll give him that. I don't deserve it though.

I overdosed, Jesse. I fucked up big time. I can't get you out of my head. I can't help but wonder if this is how you felt in your final moments. I was just so overwhelmed. Everything was crushing in and closing around me. I still can't really put into words what happened. I'm not sure I could ever explain how I felt, how I still sometimes feel. I just wanted to calm down. I just wanted to feel better and...I made a mistake and I took too much. I'm stupid and a fool and I know if you had been here you would have yelled at me too. Ren certainly did. Cabe too. Even slapped me. Orphen just looked like a kicked puppy.

I feel like such a failure, Jesse. I let everyone down. I lost control. I forgot who Jain was and let fear and doubt take hold. I used to think I was so strong, Jesse. I'm realizing now I'm nothing without you, without Cabe, without Ren. I was never strong. I only ever had strong people around me and now you're all gone. I need you. I can't do this alone anymore. I thought I could stand tall and not let anyone in. The more I feel though the more I hurt. I can't turn back but I can't go on like this.

It may kill me but I will make this change. I will become stronger for them, for me....for you. I'm going to do things more for myself now. I'm going to choose to be happy because it's the right thing for me. I have to take care of myself so I can be available to take care of others. I've been stretching myself too thin. I've been a pining fool and it's time to grow up. So I will.

I'm sorry I never realized that sooner. I'm sorry that I was too late for you. But, I'm working to make sure I can be there for the next person. I hope I can do your memory proud. I hope that when we meet again you can forgive me. I'm not ready to see you again dear friend. I still have a lot of life to live. But, I love you and I miss you.

Don't give up on me and if you can manage it, send me a little of your light to guide my way. Shanti, shanti, mitra and all my love!

~Jain

Offline GoblinFae

Re: To Pilot Echo River, From Pilot Echo Dau
« Reply #3 on: May 25, 2018, 06:56:30 pm »
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Offline nephero

Re: To Pilot Echo River, From Pilot Echo Dau
« Reply #4 on: May 25, 2018, 07:28:30 pm »
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