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Author Topic: Milkshakes and Misery [Nephero]  (Read 673 times)

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Offline GoblinFae

Milkshakes and Misery [Nephero]
« on: October 30, 2017, 09:49:54 pm »
After a long day of running around like a fool during simulations, Nishi wanted nothing more to curl up for a quiet evening in bed with her comfy clothes. It was all going to plan too as Neeko dozed while watching the television in the living room and she chatted with all her fellow Pilots. Occasionally her laughter would ring out from the bedroom, though she tried her best to keep it down so as to not disturb her fiance.

Since the incident with Sparrow, Nishi had been trying her level-best to be kind to the other Pilot. It had seemed like it was working as the pair were able to banter back and forth harmoniously. Then, on came Harley talking about his new pyro buddy and suddenly the Kitsuni felt an ugly green monster rearing its head. She had not said a word to Harley about how hurt she had felt when the dragon mechanic had just showed up, encroaching on her evening with the Kulshedra. But, it had hurt her deeply. To see him brag about a whole weekend of sex and now a possible date only served to make it worse.

Fighting back her jealous, she decided that it would be safer to remain silent and just watch things unfold. After all what business was it of hers to care about who and what Harley did in his free time? Se was just the new Valkyrie recruit he felt pity for because she was going to marry his boss. He probably felt obligated to include her in things. The very thought made her tail swish about in agitation and a low growl rise deep in her throat.

Glancing back down at the com, she noted Sparrow asking about lodging, causing Nishi to hurriedly and excited type an invitation to her home. Knowing Neeko he would go along with it at least begrudgingly. The Pilot decided she would talk to him about it in the morning just as Sparrow's messages started rolling in.

Nishi blinked at what she was seeing and tried to to gain clarification from the situation. Had something happened between Neeko and Sparrow that she did not know about? Her stomach roiled as the words swam before her eyes. They were married? They were in love? She had met his sister? Nishi had not even met her. What was going on?

"...and next thing I knew you were on his doorstep"

Sparrow's message rang over and over in her head as her breathing became heavy and labored. It was one thing for Sparrow to be cruel and mean, she had already gotten the Kitsuni in trouble once. But, there was Grisham agreeing with her. Nishi did the only thing she could think to do, she signed off and let the com fall from her shaking hands.

She wanted to vomit. No wonder Sparrow hated her. No wonder Neeko always seemed to be so grumpy and sad when he thought she could not see. They had been together and she had ruined that for them. In her selfish desire to escape Aurora and the family she had latched onto him and refused to let go. Now they both resented her.

The Kitsuni glanced towards the doorway that would lead her to Neeko. She thought about saying something but could not bring herself to confront him. She was the intruder here who shared his home, his food, his life, and even his bed. Nishi had no rights to anything that was his, especially not after what she had unwittingly done.

She sat up on the edge of the bed as her hand dropped down to dig her nails into one of the cuts on her inner thigh. Her thick sweatpants protected it against most of the pain she was intending to inflict, but the pressure was still enough to make her inhale sharply and wince. Nishi's anxiety was skyrocketing through the roof but she had made a promise to Neeko and Yavul both that she would not cut herself again. She wished now more than ever though that neither of them had found out. In those moments more now than ever before, she craved the clarity and focus that the pain had always brought her. Now she felt as if her world was careening off balance and her only method of grounding herself was lost to her forever.

Nishi slid off the bed to quietly pad about the room, tugging at her hair and ears as she paced. 'What have I done? What have I done? What have I done? I've ruined EVERYTHING! I don't belong here. I shouldn't have come here or said anything. I'm such a fool! They're not family, Nishi. They don't want you. Quit trying to force it. They were HAPPY! Thief! Whore! Monster!'

The words rang out in her head, rising faster than they ever had before. All her fears and insecurities came flying to the front of her mind as she desperately fought to tamp them down and keep her distress quiet from the rest of the world. Neeko and the Valkyries could not know how weak and pathetic she was as she began to completely unravel at the seams.

Offline nephero

Re: Milkshakes and Misery [Nephero]
« Reply #1 on: October 30, 2017, 11:33:37 pm »
It had already been shaping up to one of those days; the kind of day that whirled around you like a duststorm, left you so dizzy and shaking and unsure of where you were or who you should be. It was a quiet kind of chaos, the kind that snuck up on you at the most random moments, the kind that crescendoed in the middle of the grocery store or on the walk home from headquarters, or while waiting in line at JJ's.

It made Yavul almost miss the war. At least then he'd had a sense of purpose-- he'd known who he was and what he was meant to be. He was a soldier, made for the fire and brimstone of combat, the flash decisions and the very real possibility that today was the day, today was the day grinnin' Vebeset pulled you tight and cut your hair and you were just... gone.

Yavul was great at being a soldier. Being a person outside of that...

Not so great.

What was he even doing this for? It'd been years, years since he'd stepped foot off the rails and back onto his home soil, and he was still standing there in the dust and the mud like somehow, by some miracle, the D.I. to life would pop out of the ground telling him how to have one of his own. Not for the first time, he considered abandoning it entirely-- not his city or his squad or his duties, but beyond that. He considered how much easier it would be to just log out of the Pilot chat and never go back. How much easier it would be to stop answering messages. Stop answering calls. Forget his family (the one part he still had left). Just go in, do his job, go home and sleep until it was time to do his job again.

Structured and easy.

His own guilt pulled him out of the worst of it, most days. Because that wouldn't be fair to all the people he'd come to consider his friends. And what kind of asshole would he be to just drop them all without another word? The kind of asshole who has good things going for him but gets greedy. The kind of asshole who could have just sucked it up and given in but thought he could have it all.

Yavul was born in the short days, and the short days followed each of his own. Luck did not belong to him.

Take a deep breath. Get your shit together. You're Yavul fucking Hyakinthos, and it's goddamn time you acted like it. Talk to people and stop sulking already. Sucking in lungfuls of recycled Solartan air (wet and clammy and hot even long after the sun had gone down), Yavul looked down at his com, trying hard to keep his breathing steady and even. In and out to the count of five, because if he breathed normal maybe it'd stop feeling like his nerves were going to dance right on out of his skin.

Just act normal.

Except these were the short days, and luck did not happen in the short days. Especially not so close to Vebeset's grand celebration. Soul's Night was about rolling with the punches, and right now the punches were flying.

He'd barely had time to consider what was being said before it happened:

Harley: you can sleep on my couch, Sparrow.
Sparrow: wooo! And Nishi last time I crashed on Neekos couch I got so drunk... so so so drunk
Nishi: are you saying my fiance is THAT bad to be around?

(Yavul had to take a moment, here, to take a deep breath and not let his nerves scream danger, because Nishi and Sparrow liked to tease and banter and this was just that. Right?)
Sparrow: not at all. He was my husband once.
Sparrow: my heart will be forever broken
Nishi: ....excuse me

(Oh. Oh shit. Oh, oh, oh shit.)
Grisham: It's true. They were in love.
Sparrow: I met his sister once. I don't think she liked me. Talked about our marriage and next thing I knew you were on his doorstep
Sparrow: o.o Neeko is the one that got away


Not for the first time in his life Yavul wanted to rip every last strand of his hair out and scream. Not for the first time in his life, he was able to reign it in, swallow it down like bad medicine and shiver at the aftertaste. Fuck. Fuck! Why'd they have to go and say something like that? Nishi'd only just graduated, she'd only just been recruited, she'd only just made it here to a strange town filled with strange people and she'd never know that this wasn't just another one of Sparrow's bitter and biting humors rising to the occasion.

At another point and on a better day, he'd have been glad to see it. Glad to see Sparrow more like herself again and not just wallowing in meanness, because then maybe that meant she would be okay, and things could maybe begin to get close to normal.

Good luck.

Sparrow: I guess it's just my speciality pissing Valkyries off. Sorry Yavul I really wasn't trying to this time

Yavul wanted to be mad. He wanted to cuss her out, to get on her for not being more aware of her surroundings, to... he didn't even know. Maybe just to make someone feel as bad as he did, but what kind of a person did that? And as low as he got, he hoped he never sank so far to ever wake up and see that kind of person on the other end of the mirror. Because it wasn't fair. She had probably not known what had been happening. Probably forgot that the whole chat-marriage thing was before Nishi's time.

It was an easy, honest mistake, and there were much more important things to be doing than taking his own frustrations out on someone who'd never actually earned it.

Important things like Nishi.

He wasn't even sure where he had been walking to, something to do with Soul's Night, but then again, who could remember? Everything just kept happening, and either he held on or he didn't, the point was that he was nowhere near Valhalla or any of the military housing surrounding it.

He did an abrupt about-face, smiled apologetically at the group of teenagers he nearly walked right into doing so, and took off back towards home. It always helped to look a little more than urgent in these moments when you didn't want to be stopped by admirers and fans-- no one ever tried to stop a behemoth of a man who was clutching onto his com and was one pace beneath running outright. Especially not a decorated combat veteran.

Genetic engineers and astrophysicists, they were not, but bumpkin knowledge did hold a lot of common sense.

Short though her time with the Valkyries had been, Yavul knew Nishi. It was hard not to know someone you'd shared a continuous stream of consciousness with. Impossible, even. He'd come to know things about her she'd kept secret and hidden, deep and dark and still like a lake in a cave system. Murky water, dangerous water. And he knew that suddenly logging out was the sort of outburst that didn't often take place with her. If he'd ever been looking for a sign that things were not nearly as okay as he'd have liked, that was it.

He could keep his own bullshit under wraps. It went away with time, like it always did, cropped up here and there like it always did, and went away just the same like it always did. It was annoying and it hurt and some days were harder to wake up to than others, but he could do it.

But Nishi didn't deserve that. She was strong, and she was capable, and she was a good soldier, but she didn't deserve to tread water like this. Not when the whole of the pool was just one giant deep end and there were no other options.

No safe ones, anyway.

He'd been about to slam his fist on the apartment door when he'd thought better of it. This was, after all, a shared domicile. Neeko might have been in there, and if Nishi didn't want to drag him into how she was feeling, it'd be pretty shit of Yavul to make that decision for her. He lowered his hand, back to his side, and took a deep breath.

Cleared his thoughts.

Found the spiderweb of hopes and dreams and fears and soul, and pulled gently on the threading that was Nishi's and Nishi's alone.

'Hey, ma petit chouchou. I'm out front. How about them milkshakes?' he thought, soft and quiet to her, metal hand on the frame and forehead just barely touching the door.

Offline GoblinFae

Re: Milkshakes and Misery [Nephero]
« Reply #2 on: October 31, 2017, 12:25:13 am »
She really should have come to expect the soft call in her head. It was the Valkyrie way she was quickly coming to find. Someone would get bent out of shape, logged off, and in less than five minutes the squad was on their doorstep. It usually was Harley it happened to but still Nishi knew better than to let such a childish outburst overcome her and signal to all that she was close to losing her mind with grief and fear.

The voice, the words, the pull on the chords of her heart where she kept all the Valkyries close, were not the ones she had expected to feel. Nishi knew then just how badly she had fucked up this time. Yavul was here. The Kitsuni knew he was far from dumb and if he was here then he likely was fearing she would renegade on her promise to him. The massive tree of a man had seen deep into her soul and knew well the poison that lurked deep within. He knew what she had done in the past and what she was capable of doing again.

Nishi did not reply as she tugged her ears one last time and tried to swallow her gasping breaths. Her discarded com was scooped up again and cast deep into her light grey sweatpants's pocket. Shoes were put on with mechanical precision and the hood of her deep blue hoodie was adjusted so that her ears could comfortably stick out from the necessary ear holes. Not a word was said to Neeko as she tip-toed out and quietly sent him a wave, unsure if he was asleep or not but unwilling to disturb him either way.

The little Pilot hesitated only a second before pulling the door open and looking up into the bright blue eyes of her commander. She tried to smile but found her lips were unable to obey such a simple command as they trembled slightly instead like a writhing caterpillar. "I'm in trouble again, aren't I?" Nishi sent back, feeling resigned and raw inside. Her heart still pounded within her breast and for once she was grateful that Razican was still in the hospital and unable to hear the telling drum of misfortune hanging over her head.

This was all about her banter with Sparrow. Would she never learn? She had been burned before by the Hellion. Was it really surprising that it had happened again and so soon? It was in her nature after all. At least now though Nishi knew there was more to it than that. She was the intruder that had destroyed something for the two Pilots. It did not matter that she had had no idea or intention to do so. What was done, was done.

She remained poised in the doorway, alert and ready for whatever Yavul wanted of her. If he wanted her gone, her bags could be packed in minutes. If he wanted her to run laps until her feet bled she would do that too and without complaint. It was obvious to her that she did not belong, that she was a mistake. Nishi was the unwanted, unnecessary addition to the group. Her presence and exuberance were tolerated, but all of them would do just fine without her. Many of them had already proved that fact to her over the weeks she had been there. Even the new recruits like her were moving so far and so fast ahead of her as she desperately clung to them from behind.

Offline nephero

Re: Milkshakes and Misery [Nephero]
« Reply #3 on: November 15, 2017, 11:07:35 pm »
Yavul tried to consider just what was more heartbreaking-- the soft tremble of Nishi's lips as she tried to smile, the way her ears betrayed her every emotion, how she tried to stand so regal and straight-backed, or perhaps it was the miserable thoughts that bubbled up along with her mentally-transmitted words. Or the fact that her internal voice trembled just as bad as her lips.

The Valkyrie Commander felt a twist in his chest, his breastbone suddenly under a metric ton of pressure that simply would not abate. Were he a little less in control of himself, Yavul might have clutched at his heart, but instead his brows pinched together, a soft coo escaping him before he could stifle the noise.

"In trouble?" he thought back, considering it was late and the door was still open and the last thing this particular recruit of his needed was an audience to her misery. That would just end up making her feel worse, which was a feat in and of itself since it felt a little bit like she had done a grand old job beating herself up already.

"You're not in trouble, cherie, not by a mile," Yavul said, the final words slipping out into the air as he moved, massive arms wrapping around all tiny slenderness of her, and pulling her to his chest in a fierce hug. Even without probing he could feel her thoughts going a mile a minute, a low silent hum as each synapse fired back and forth, and again, Yavul's chest tightened in sympathy.

He knew, of course, about what Nishi would do in times like this. He knew, of course, that she would never willingly back out on her promise to him to find better outlets. He knew that everything she did was with one hundred and ten percent of her ability, and he also knew that maintaining that kind of ratio took a lot of work. So, so much work.

And of course, Yavul knew that not everything was as unspokenly assured as everyone might like. Sometimes, words needed to be heard, or else what was Nishi supposed to think? That a passing joke was serious, for one, and that it involved something that she herself lived in fear of every day-- of being a burden, of ruining everything, of not belonging.

That was the part that really stung; she really didn't believe she belonged here. Arranged husband, arranged station, arranged life, it didn't feel earned. And for someone like Nishi, who always tried her best, earning was everything. Absolutely everything.

Unable to help himself, and certainly not stopping to consider just how weird it would be if someone were to walk up and do the same to him, Yavul lifted his hands up to pet at Nishi's ears, mussing her hood a little bit in the process.

"Let's get somethin' t' snack on. Ain't nothin' like a little bit a' comfort when you ain't feelin' your best."

Offline GoblinFae

Re: Milkshakes and Misery [Nephero]
« Reply #4 on: November 16, 2017, 07:25:05 pm »
The sound he made gave her pause to flick an ear up warily before it dropped back again. His words were soothing to her though she could not help but wonder if they were entirely true. It was not as if Yavul had ever lied to her or had cause to, but with how unstable she was feeling and probably seemed, it would not surprise her if he felt as if he was talking a jumper off the edge of a precipice.

She did not have long to muse on that particularly dark thought though as she was suddenly crushed against her commander's chest. Nishi did not mean to but a sad, high-pitched whine escaped her as she clung back to him. Her fingers dug fiercely into the back of his ribs as it was impossible for her to wrap her arms fully around his trunk of a torso. Her little body shook in his embrace, able to hold back the tears but not the raw emotion that she was struggling so much to keep locked and hidden beneath the surface. Her heart raced in pain as if it could leap into her throat and choke her at any second.

With her face buried against his chest, Nishi slowly fought to ground herself. Her sensitive nose allowed her to luxuriate in his comforting scent. There was bitter coffee and warm leather undertones beneath his usual cologne and all combined it just gave her a sense of quiet strength and security. It was part of the reason why she loved snuggling up in his stolen hoodie so much. She knew that if she fell he would do his damnedest to catch her or any of her other fellow Valkyries. This man was selfless and self-sacrificing and she felt so incredibly undeserving of it all.

Her breath hitched as he petted her ears, unknowingly brushing against sore spots from her own abusive tugging. His touch was soothing though and a heartbeat later, Yavul had caused the Kitsuni to start purring and adjust her head to push those fluffy appendages further against his hands.

Nishi heard him speak but remained silent and still for several moments, just clinging tightly as his steady heartbeat thrummed and eventually forced her own to slow to the same calmer beat. She took another deep breath and allowed the small cages of her fingers against his back to release and drop back to her sides. With a small sniffle, Nishi nodded her head weakly. She still felt shaky and ashamed but also numb as if she had gotten caught adrift in a strong undercurrent and was reaching the point of giving in entirely.

The other shoe was bound to drop at any moment though she expected it would now be at whatever venue Yavul decided to take her to. A public setting was probably better anyway. If she misbehaved and made a scene then it would be hell for everyone, including her fiance. That was the last thing she wanted especially after learning she was the cause of a great deal of his grief of late.

Having heard the door shut behind her when Yavul had dragged her out of the doorway, Nishi found herself stepping to her commander's left side and moving forward to head out. She would have kept marching forward too but an impulsive decision had her faltering in her steps ever so slightly so that she could slip a tiny hand into his much larger and warmer one. She refused to look at him though her traitorous ears spoke of her nervousness at being so bold.

Nishi needed to feel a connection. As much as she feared admitting it, she was desperate for the need for family. In that moment she had latched onto Yavul as the closet thing she could get to an older brother or parent. Thinking about it only made her feel sick again though. This was all her fault. She just pushed and pushed and demanded and took to make them all be substitutes for the hole she felt so keenly within herself. They had let her bully them into it too. That was the part that ripped her so raggedly. These men and women in her life had all humored her because otherwise it would be painful and awkward. In her mind they had spared themselves this just to get her to leave them alone enough to tolerate her. She had not earned the right to be this close to them. She had not earned the right to ask this of them. She had not even earned the right to embrace or or clutch her commander's hand quite so tightly. Guilt-ridden by her own realization, Nishi attempted to loosen her grip then and slip her hand back out like a sheepish child who was caught with their hand in the cookie jar again.

Offline nephero

Re: Milkshakes and Misery [Nephero]
« Reply #5 on: November 16, 2017, 10:30:22 pm »
Yavul was no stranger to pain. He'd fallen down stairs, down hallways, been shot, stabbed, electrocuted, punched and smashed against a canyon wall. His bones had been snapped and his skin had been split, he'd had bumps and bruises and burns, bloody noses and black eyes. But all of that, all of that absolutely paled in comparison to hearing the soft sad whine Nishi made.

He didn't even care how her little fingers dug into his ribs, or how tightly she clung onto him. It was nothing to what she was feeling, all raw ears and raw nerves and raw aches and pains. He didn't even have to ask; how she shook and sniffled was testament enough-- For all her hurts and all her anxieties, Nishi was always so good at keeping it under wraps. For her to be like this, it had to have gotten bad.

Bad enough that Yavul didn't let Nishi pull her hand back while they walked, his false fingers locked in a gentle but unyielding grip. He was sure her train of thought was going all manner of terrible places, but it wasn't something to discuss out in the middle of a hallway. No, Nishi had earned something a little kinder than that, much kinder than that. He didn't press her for anything, not yet, simply held on as they went along, out into the quiet night air.

It was still clammy from the heat of the day, but not unbearable. A sure sign of the changing of seasons, the slow approach of a short Solartan winter. Nothing close to how it was further north, of course, but a noticeable improvement to the heat so many out of towners had trouble tolerating. It was good Nishi was a cryo, with all her fur Yavul shuddered to think how the desert heat would have treated her otherwise.

Still, it was warm enough for something cold and sweet, and so Yavul led the tiny Kitsuni along, giving her hand a little squeeze as they approached a small diner. He broke contact only to open the door for her, mimicking a little bow and flourish with a wide grin.

“After you, mademoiselle.”

The place was small, a little standalone joint with only a few booths and tables to its name, all red vinyl seating and checkered tiling. But, and this was the important part, what the place lacked in seating it more than made up for in quality, Yavul snagging up a couple of menus from the bin just inside the door and handing one to Nishi.

“Best milkshakes in th’ entire country, guaranteed. Usually got like seasonal flavors an’ such, last year they got a good gingerbead for th’ winter…”

Offline GoblinFae

Re: Milkshakes and Misery [Nephero]
« Reply #6 on: November 16, 2017, 11:20:30 pm »
When her hand remained locked within is, Nishi could not help but dip her head slightly and feel relief. If he would not let her go there was nothing for her to feel guilty over. Maybe he thought she would bolt if he let go. Maybe he just wanted to hold her hand. Either way she got earn a few more moments of it as her fingers slid slightly against cool metal and rubber pads. It was strange an different and had she been her more cheerful self she might have bounced about begging to examine it more and closer out of curiosity.

She sighed sadly, digging her other hand into her pocket to squeeze harshly on her com so that the round edges dug painfully into her palm. She was such a nuisance, such an annoyance and a distraction. Nishi fought to keep her breathing even-keeled as they moved along. The last thing she wanted to do was to upset Yavul further with her pathetic, emotional outbursts. Part of her wondered when he would start regretting recruiting her, if he already was, if he had finally realized what a mistake she was, what a mess.

Somehow as she was pulled from the fog of her thoughts she realized that not only had they left the housing complex but walked all the way to where they were headed. Nishi winced to know she had no recollection of the walk there. Not even the muggy Solartan weather had disturbed her. She squeezed the phone again tighter, relishing the ache it left in her hand as she did so.

She attempted to smile at Yavul's playful words but could only manage a grimace as she slunk inside like a child on the way to the headmaster's office. The interior was bright and cheerful and quaint, just the place Nishi would have loved to come to on any normal day. They even were known for milkshakes, one of her favorite things to eat in the entire world, but still as she accepted the slightly sticky menu into her hand, she could not bring herself to feel excitement.

The Kitsuni slid silently into her spot and plopped the menu down on the table. Her chin dug into her folded arms that she had let rest on the cool albeit also sticky tabletop. The center page of the trifold menu featured a massive milkshake complete with all the fixings and toppings the store had to offer in one whirlwind of delicious sugary mess. Nishi glanced over it, her eyes darting from side to side, overwhelmed and unseeing as she tried to take it all in. Her ears twitched at his words though it really was just buzzing in her ears and she was no longer comprehending. The fog was returning.

Nishi sighed again, flipping the menu over with a fwip and praying she could just focus a little longer so that he wold not see, would not know how badly she wanted to break all those promises she had made just to make the numbness and the haze leave. She cursed herself again for being so stupid to make it obvious how distressed she felt. If she had just put the stupid com down then she could have gone to bed and dealt with all of this alone and no one would be any the wiser instead of having her commander witness to her mental and emotional shattering and shredding at the seams.

When the server came over, a young bubbly girl with doe eyes set on darting between crystalline blue eyes and white, fluffy ears, Nishi poked a finger onto the menu at random. She did not care what she was ordering as long as it got her execution over and down with already. If she had been paying attention though she would have noticed it was a child's sized mint chocolate chip milkshake, her most hated flavor in the entire world.

All she could think about though was what Yavul was going to do with her. Was she going to be transferred? Were they going to ground her to a desk job? She certainly could not stay. She just created more trouble for all of them. They did not need that, especially not after what she had seen Razican go through. Yavul and the Valkyries needed warriors and soldiers that did not falter or break, that gave their all to the point of self-sacrifice. How could she measure up when she could not even survive the war within herself?

Offline nephero

Re: Milkshakes and Misery [Nephero]
« Reply #7 on: November 17, 2017, 12:05:28 am »
Yavul watched as Nishi moved, like she were perpetually caught in water, drifting from here to there at the undertow’s bidding. Her ears barely moved from where they were tucked against her head, still pink in places beneath tufts of white fur, and that was more telling than anything else. How often had he himself been in her shoes? Too many times to count, the nasty poltergeist of unwanted thoughts hesitant to ever leave him alone for too long. It was a pity to see the same happening to someone so young, so bright and vibrant and with so much potential.

But when did awful brain ghosts ever care about potential?

The truth was just that. These sorts of things, they didn't care how much of a shining star Nishi was. They didn't care that she was the best of the best, that she had friends and family and a fiancee, they didn't care about her talent or her empathy, how sweet she could be when she thought someone else was hurting.

Selfless and kind and absolutely doting. Nishi was all of this, and the ghost in the machine would never let her realize it. Not fully. She could come to work as good as any of the Valkyries (which said quite a bit for her abilities), but outside of that…

Outside of that was just moving furniture and flying dishware. Strife without rhyme or reason or any sign of stopping.

It sure as hell hadn't ever stopped for Yavul. Not yet.

He watched as the tiny Valkyrie, his Valkyrie, poked at the menu, and didn't say a word about her choice. Simply ordered, handed over the menus, and sat in the quiet until their server was well out of any kind of earshot. It was about as much privacy as they could get outside of either of their homes, or Yavul's office, and he was not even close to bringing her there. Not like this. Not when she was so sure she was in trouble.

“I wanted t’ talk about what happened,” Yavul said, finally, gently, “if you're feelin’ up to it. If not, hey, we got time…”

He leaned back in the booth, arms over the high back of the seat, still smiling away even if it was muted somewhat. Because this wasn't easy. It was never easy, talking through things, especially as a Pilot. Especially to her superior.

He waited for a moment, before taking a breath, gathering his own thoughts in a way that he hoped was sensible.

“You know, my ma, she always said that the first thought in your head ain't you. It's your second thought, what you choose t’ do about th’ first, that's who you are. Felt a bit like crazy talk for a while, y’know, because how ain't it you? All them nasty, awful thoughts, they gotta come from somewhere, right?

“But she weren't wrong. Everybody has t’ make choices, an’ it ain't always easy t’ do right. But you always do. Right, I mean. Do things from a good place in your heart, an’ that… that's a rare trait, Chouchou. An’ I'm grateful every day t’ have you with us. I know it ain't been easy on you."

Offline GoblinFae

Re: Milkshakes and Misery [Nephero]
« Reply #8 on: November 17, 2017, 12:42:44 am »
One ear flicked forward at that as if she were flinching at the reminder of earlier. Oh yes, how could she forget that lovely snafu. She was such an oblivious trouncing idiot! Nishi tugged her hood off and shook her head roughly, allowing her hair to shake out and those thoughts to fly out with it. Her ears flicked a bit, getting adjusted to being free of the earholes while she fluffed her hair some and worked on trying to focus on Yavul again.

His next words speared her though. Her eyes slammed shut as she exhaled suddenly as if she had just been punched in the gut. No things were not easy for her but she could not understand how he could feel grateful to have her around. She was being childish just as she always was and she knew.

"They always come after," she finally said, her eyes opening, looking a bit glazed still but she was still in there somewhere. She had not drowned yet. There was still some life left in Nishi beyond the fog even if she was only staring at the table. "The poison always comes second and it never lets go once it gets a hold of you. Just burns in deeper and deeper."

Her hands balled into fists tight enough that her already pale skin turned pure white. After a few moments she released them before she caused herself any real damage. "I thought I had made my choices and was ready to lay in the bed I'd made. Such a fool." She snorted derisively and smirked coldly. "Always the fool."

Nishi shook her head and laughed coldly, a sound so uncommon for her that it disturbed even her. A hand moved up to run through her silver locks and latched onto one ear. For a second she held it though she refrained from tugging it like she wanted to and let it go tensely with a soft growl. Being good was so difficult especially when there was an audience.

"This was so much easier to handle when you didn't know," she sulked, casting him a sullen glare, though the heat was not meant so much for him as for her. Nishi hated how she felt and loathed even more her inability to fix it. It just made matters worse that her superior got to see it all unfold when her future was so clearly on the line now.

"I got into it with Sparrow again," she finally sighed, her mind finally circling back to why they were there and why she really was in trouble. "Never learn, same mistake as last time too. That's what this is all about, sir?" Nishi glanced up at him again looking worn out and exhausted. She wondered briefly how long her mind would be able to stay on this peg before the board spun on her again and she was caught in a new tangle of emotions.

Offline nephero

Re: Milkshakes and Misery [Nephero]
« Reply #9 on: November 17, 2017, 01:54:59 am »
Yavul shifted, leaning forward and settling his chin in his non-robotic hand. He didn't respond at first, letting Nishi get all of that poison out into the open and at least partially out of her system. She looked... so much smaller than usual, right then. Perhaps it was the lack of her usual brightness, her usual happy attitude, her usual... Nishi-ness. But that's what poison did, wasn't it? It made you smaller. Less of yourself.

"Is that what this is all about?" he asked in return, voice low and quiet. A prompt to continue, if she so chose. He paused, just as their server returned with their milkshakes, the "spares" set in metal tins beside their glasses. He pulled his own glass closer to himself, taking a good long drink of the sugary-cinnamony-mess. "I'm not here about Sparrow, Chouchou. I'm here for you, nothin' else."

He decided, very pointedly, to ignore her sulking grumbling about it being better before he knew about her need to harm, to pull and tear and grind and just... destroy tiny bits of herself in order to feel focused. To feel right. Because this wasn't about him or how he felt. This was about Nishi, about her sudden log-out, about her constant tanglements with Sparrow and the mild chaos that woman tended to bring everywhere with her.

"It ain't hard t' get caught up in nonsense. I done it myself, plenty a times. Don't make you a fool. You're lots a things, Nishi, but you ain't a fool."

Offline GoblinFae

Re: Milkshakes and Misery [Nephero]
« Reply #10 on: November 17, 2017, 07:58:46 am »
She wiggled, rocking side to side slightly in agitation at his quiet calm. Nishi did not like it, did not trust it. The way he spoke left her feeling unable to know what he was feeling, what he was thinking. Humans were too complicated for her. With Kitsuni it was so much easier. Tails, ears, thoughts that made your head spin and ache, it was all there for each other to read like an open children's book. Among her people she never had to really guess what was bubbling on the surface. It was the deeper darker thoughts that were dangerous and few Kitsuni were like her in that they were hiding that particular brand of poison. Yavul on the other hand reminded her of an animal trainer, poised and ready to take whatever she threw at him until they were at last able to reach an accord. It set her on edge, waiting for him to spring the trap and watch her tumble downward.

Her thoughts were shattered and sent skittering about the room as cold sweetness was placed down before her. Nishi blinked twice as the fog cleared enough for her to see bright mint green before her. She did not even recall ordering something. With a scowl she unwrapped the thick straw and stabbed it into the confection as if that would make her feel any better. It didn't.

Instead she shook her small head at him. He was wrong and she told him as much. She was a fool. "You are not Kitsuni. You wouldn't understand. We," the milkshake suffered another brutal stabbing as she adjusted the straw and glared into its depths, "we fall in love quickly and easily. We have to. Females are so rare," she spat the last word out, hating how special her community had made her, hating all the pressure they had placed on her from a very young age.

"I am a fool. I wasn't the first to be pushed towards him, just the one that showed up on his doorstep. I should have known better. I fell." She smiled mirthlessly as she took a pull of her drink, her lip curling ever so slightly at the taste but feeling it was a just punishment for her fool-heart. "It makes sense now why she hates me so much. Can be as nice as you want, ain't never going to change stealing another woman's man." She pulled hard, swallowing more of her own bitter, minty punishment.

Nishi bit her tongue to keep from saying more. This was not Valkyrie business. This was personal. Yavul did not need to hear how she feared the way she felt Neeko resented her. Neeko's own hidden feelings were private to him nad it was not her place to share those either. Yavul did not need to know how much she regretted begging to move as far from Aurora she could get or how she had been wrong and missed her need for family more than ever. She did not have the community she needed here but how could a human ever understand that. The Valkyries were a nice substitute but for as long as she was a fringe member that would never help her. You could not force family on someone and you could not make them conform just because it was what you needed. That was exactly what she had been so desperately trying to do too.

The fog shifted then, the wheel spun her thoughts, and suddenly her tongue was loosening from the roof of her mouth and off it went wagging like a happy little puppy. "I don't belong here." Nishi winced as the fluorescent lights began to hurt her eyes making them burn and swim. Perhaps that was the tears though she realized as she ground a fist into one of them to try and push the pain away and feeling it come away with wetness. A hiccuped interrupted her and that was when everything came to a head and Nishi's little bleeding heart popped.

Icy tears raced rivers down her pale cheeks. Her last words just echoed repeatedly in her head bouncing off the empty walls of her mental prison and getting louder with each repetition. Nishi did not even realize her thoughts were bleeding out of her as she accidentally pushed them back through her bonds and pinging down all those lovely chords she had wrapped tightly around her heart. Anyone tied to her and listening close enough could hear them and yet she could not reign it in. Inside it felt like the walls of her heart were crumbling into powder as she began to fall into that hole she had always stood on the edge of, just staring in.

The worst of it was that Nishi truly did believe those thoughts wholeheartedly. If she had just  stayed away then Neeko and Sparrow would have been happy. If she had stayed put then the Valkyries would have been happy and stronger without her. She was the weak link that brought the whole system down. Strength in the heat of the moment was one thing. She was a soldier through and through. But, it was the weakness within that threatened them all. She was caustic and toxic. She damaged everything she touched and now had been collected to be contained by her own commander. Yavul had a nasty mess to clean up thanks to her. Her heart twinged knowing that as another keening whine softly pierced the air. She ruined everything.She made more trouble than she was worth. She most certainly did not belong.

 

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