Home Forum Wiki The Rules Newbie Guide Roleplay Guide Plot & Setting Wanted Characters Aedolis Teinar Edanith Libra Cancer Thanatos Inc. Contact Us Copyright Affiliates Advertise Us Advertise You Donate! Playing a Leader

Author Topic: Bitter Tears of Rage [Open]  (Read 532 times)

0 Members and 2 Guests are viewing this topic.

Offline Zero Undead

Bitter Tears of Rage [Open]
« on: August 31, 2017, 07:35:45 am »
They always watched you while you were at the ATC, but Matt knew he was being watched extra closely right now, and he fucking hated it. Everyone acted like he was going to just shatter into a million pieces at any moment. What the hell did they know about him? Not a fucking thing!

He was fine goddamn it!

So what if he’d pushed himself through six straight hours of simulations? His mentor had told him to work harder. Matt wasn’t slacking off anymore. That should make them happy, right? How dare the instructor tell him he was pushing himself too hard. First he wasn’t working hard enough and now he was doing too much?

Fuck that – and fuck them.

It wasn’t that Matt didn’t know he was being unreasonable and irrational. That’s why they were watching him, of course. He wasn’t handling the news of his mother dying as well as he desperately wanted to show that he was. Honestly his mind was exhausted. Sleeping wasn’t really working out for him since he’d found out, despite Landis’s best efforts to cradle and croon him. Bless his sweet roommate. The boy was adorable and all kinds of comforting.

Matt knew he’d be so much worse right now if not for Landis.

Pushing through simulations that tested and measured his psionics was mentally exhausting as well, but he needed the distraction to keep him from thinking about her.

Since they’d kicked him out of the sim room, Matt headed to the next best place to work out all that frustration and drive away any thoughts of his mother. The training rooms were so well equipped. He thought about running, maybe if he did that long enough he’d even be able to keep up with Aspen one of these days.

Oh yeah, Aspen. She knew about his mother. By now most of the others probably knew. It wasn’t like Matt had been trying to keep it secret. He just didn’t want to talk about it.

Everyone was so sympathetic, so there for him. Landis and Vanessa had both cuddled him when they found out. Even Aspen had hugged him. He wondered how hard that had been for her. She wasn’t exactly a touchy-feely kind of girl.

No, he didn’t want to run today.

It wasn’t that he didn’t appreciate their concern for him. He really did. Still, the looks of pity got to be more than he could bear. There wasn’t anything to pity him over. His mother had been an absent, barely-there bitch all his life. She hadn’t wanted him.

Matt knew what he needed. Heading over to the punching bags, he wrapped his hands and began hitting the thing as hard as he could. Just imagine his mother’s stupid smirking face. It wasn’t fair that she’d died on him like this. It wasn’t right that she hadn’t loved him at all and he still felt like crying every time he thought about her being gone.

He hit the bag until his arms felt either numb or sore from shoulder to fingertips; hit it until he literally couldn’t hit it again. The last strike unbalanced him, sending him reeling to the floor with a groan, then a barely suppressed whimper.

Even dead the woman hurt him.

Forcing himself back up into a sitting position, Matt pulled his legs up to his chest, wrapping his arms around his knees and burying his face against them. His body trembled with the effort of holding it all inside. He didn’t want to cry over that hateful bitch.

Damn her!

Marakai2.0

  • Guest
Re: Bitter Tears of Rage [Open]
« Reply #1 on: August 31, 2017, 09:05:08 am »
Everything seemed so tense lately. First, there was the deal with Aspen, where she had disappeared from the blog and had given everyone the cold shoulder for awhile...luckily that seemed to have blown over. That really hadn't been anything to worry about, not compared to the last few days.

First, Garza had seen and heard about something big - he hadn't known what it was, but whatever it had been seemed to knock the Pilots that made up some of the ATC's staff for a loop. Lots of confusion after that, and Garza had lost sleep over the constant mental mutterings of the other candidates on his floor.

Then...it didn't take much to figure out just what had started the mental shockwave. Matt's mother had passed, one way or another, and her Dragon had let all of Aedolis feel it - from that Dragon to all others, and filtering down from them to their respective Pilots.

Garza had suddenly been extremely glad that he was still a candidate, and not bonded to a Dragon.

Several days later, it was still pretty quiet. He hadn't heard from Matt, and the blog was all but dead. Garza had the mind to seek out his friend, and at least be there for him - saying that he would be, and actually doing it, were two very different things, and the large man wanted to show Matt that he didn't have to suffer in silence.

It wasn't hard to find him. He could hear his anger and his pain, something that Garza could thank his hyperactive telepathy for. Something he was working on, but wasn't important at the moment. The draconian man found himself outside the training room, hearing the repetitive sound of fists hitting the sandbag.

He rounded the corner just in time to see Matt fall, and the big man's heart cracked a little. Anger and sorrow, a mixture like oil and water, washed over his mind in a heated wave, and Garza did what he could to close his mind off to it - Matt's thoughts were private, especially now, and Garza didn't want to intrude on them.

But he would speak, he would comfort him if he was able. Because he was his friend.

"If it hurts, it helps to talk about it," he said, his voice rumbling as he came to stand behind him. Unbidden, Garza's large frame knelt beside him, and one large hand rested on Matt's shoulder. "And it just so happens, I'm available to listen. And, perhaps, be a little more forgiving than the punching bag, over there."

Offline Zero Undead

Re: Bitter Tears of Rage [Open]
« Reply #2 on: September 01, 2017, 12:58:17 pm »
The idea of Garza sneaking up on someone in the best of times seemed like a pretty laughable idea – the candidate was huge and had this undeniable physical presence about him. Maybe that was why Matt didn’t flinch or look up at the sound of that rumbly voice coming from behind him, or maybe he was just so physically and mentally drained that he was too numb to produce a reaction even as that large hand rested on his shoulder.

“I don’t want to talk about it.” Matt’s voice was muffled softly from where he had his face still buried against his knees. He didn’t want to talk about his mother, it would only make it that much harder to fight off the tears he was barely holding back as it was.

Hadn’t he given enough tears for her the night he’d been told? Matt had hated crying about it even then. Landis had held him in their room and he’d cried against his friend for hours.

That was already more tears than Summer Meadows deserved from anyone.

“I hate her, and I don’t want anyone feeling sorry for me over her. I didn’t lose a fucking thing.” Matt’s gut clenched even saying it. How much he tried to convince himself that was true. You couldn’t lose someone you never really had. A handful of visits a year where they very awkwardly interacted was not what he would call a great loss. That’s not what anyone would call a great loss.

That’s what made it all so bad. He couldn’t understand why it hurt so much. It made him feel vulnerable and weak. Those weren’t pleasant feelings to have.

Marakai2.0

  • Guest
Re: Bitter Tears of Rage [Open]
« Reply #3 on: September 02, 2017, 03:51:59 am »
It was perhaps a minute before Garza replied, as he both pondered Matt's words as well as attempted, poorly, to fend off the emotionally-fueled thoughts that Matt was having.

It didn't take much - while Garza had made some headway in blocking out the surface thoughts of others, Matt's were anguished and angry. And so, Garza both heard what he said, and what he didn't.

He could relate. He often lamented the loss of something he'd never known. The first several years of his life were forever beyond memory, due to an accident he may or may not have been a part of. He could remember nothing of his family, or if he even had one.

"I think, perhaps, your anger stems less from what you didn't lose....and more from what you should have been able to lose." At the point, Garza removed his hand from Matt's shoulder, shifting to sit cross-legged beside him.

"What I mean is...yes, she is gone. And the loss of that isn't such a great thing, but you've also lost what could have been. Or, rather, what should have been. The possibility of a real relationship with her, as a child ought to have with one's mother."

He honestly wasn't sure at that point if he was referring to himself, or to Matt, but to him his words seemed to fit both situations. The larger man had found himself staring at the floor, but now those red eyes of his slid to give Matt a sidelong glance.

"Am I far off the mark?"

Offline Zero Undead

Re: Bitter Tears of Rage [Open]
« Reply #4 on: September 02, 2017, 03:24:20 pm »
“Don’t psychoanalyze me, Garza. I’m seriously not in the mood.” Matt finally lifted his head, green eyes bloodshot and watery as he wiped futilely at them with the sleeve of his uniform jacket. It was impossible for him to stop the tears from slowly sliding down his face, but he was doing his best to hold it together. His mother wouldn’t have wanted him to look weak – not that he cared, but he didn’t want to look weak either.

It wasn’t like he hadn’t thought about these things before. Of course when he was a little boy he’d still been desperate for his mother’s love and approval. What little boy didn’t want to make his mother love him? It had never been fair that he didn’t have a loving relationship with his mother like the other children he knew.

Mat had just thought he’d grown out of such childish stupidity. You couldn’t force someone to care about you, no matter how badly you wanted them to – and life wasn’t fair.

“I really thought I was over her. Pretending you don’t care is really hard. It hurts thinking that she died hating me. All my life I’ve tried so hard to get her to see me as something she wouldn’t regret, and now it doesn’t matter. It was all for nothing. I meant nothing.” Matt couldn’t stop himself from sniffling. “And now I never will.”

He couldn’t keep himself from shuddering. The messy sobbing of his nights with Landis was starting to bubble up despite his best efforts. Matt wished he were in his room now. It was bad enough weeping like a baby in front of Landis.

 

SimplePortal 2.3.5 © 2008-2012, SimplePortal