Our conversations are like minefields [Toori]

[Jenny]

When Toori expressed an interest in coming to Cancer, Jaxon was embarrassed that he had to hold back the enthusiasm he felt at the idea. Instead he nodded, smiling at the blond. "Anytime you want," he agreed with another nod. He didn't know why he was so excited. Probably, he thought, because the gang was so important to him, and Toori was too, now. He wasn't accustomed to caring this much, to wanting to share this much, but he knew that he wanted Toori to see his home. Toori would appreciate Cancer. As for the gang.. Jaxon thought it would either be very funny or very disastrous to place Toori with them. He wondered what they would think of him-- more than that, what they would think of Jaxon actually bringing someone around to meet them. Jaxon didn't recall ever introducing a friend to them. They were his only friends, in all honesty, and his family.

Thinking that he'd probably said enough about himself, Jaxon felt himself naturally inclined to ask Toori questions about the frontier and Tynova, but he also didn't want to pry. "Considering it's my real home, I really dislike Tynova," he said instead, wondering if Toori would offer his opinion too.

[chelle]

"I like it here," Toori said, shrugging a little, "But then... I've never known anything else." Toori laughed a little, glancing away and considering that. Sometimes the streets were a little crowded for Toori, but other than that he liked the city.

"I've always liked being here, so close to the shipyards. If I hadn't left the frontier I never might have had the chance to learn as much as I have about ships." Toori paused, wondering if he shouldn't say that, if that meant he preferred losing his parents because it had given him more opportunity.

"I mean, not that I... Not that I wanted to come here. Not that I wanted to..." Toori said awkwardly, shifting a little and glancing away, looking uncomfortable.

[Jenny]

Jaxon nodded along as Toori spoke about Tynova, interested to hear his opinion and feelings toward the place. He wasn't surprised when Toori said that he enjoyed living in the city because it gave him opportunities to learn more about his passion.. In fact Jaxon thought that made perfect sense, and as well, he found Toori's optimism (per se) about the situation to be impressive. Thankfully, he hadn't taken the words the way Toori assumed he would, the way he clearly thought they had sounded, but Jaxon quickly caught on and understood his upset when he began to flounder, looking away uncomfortably.

It struck him to see Toori upset and struggling with his words like that, and Jaxon wanted to make sure he knew that he was not misunderstood. He knew that Toori would never even imply what he thought he did. "I know what you mean," he said calmly, calm enough for the both of them he hoped. "I'm.." Jaxon paused, thinking over his words carefully, "You made the best of things. There's nothing wrong with being glad you had this opportunity. I know you're not glad about what happened."

Jaxon smiled reassuringly, if not a little sadly, "I envy you. I'm just not like that. I didn't make anything good of what happened, I just avoided it and got angry. After all that, I'm not even a decent person," he said it with a bitter laugh. It was a soft spot, one he rarely even approached. Jaxon had his doubts about himself. "I was in a gang and I'm a space pirate. I hurt other people for personal gain."

[chelle]

Toori smiled when Jaxon reassured him, feeling something in his chest loosen knowing that Jax had known what he had meant. It was convenient, to say the least, having someone around who could speak Toori's language. Sometimes he felt like a foreigner in his own city, when nobody seemed to understand him or be able to communicate with him adequately, but something about Jax made him completely fluent in Toori. Toori was hard-pressed to not be impressed by this.

When Jax went on, his words slowly making their way down into genuinely sad territory, Toori's heart ached for Jaxon. At first, Toori floundered a little, as he was unfamiliar with the concept of comfort and was unsure how to go about it. He was even more unfamiliar with wanting so badly to comfort someone, with looking at someone who was sad or angry and feeling that exact same feeling mirrored in yourself, for the simple reason that that person was feeling it. He felt that way about his grandfather, of course, but this was different. Jax was different.

After perhaps slightly too long, Toori reached across the table and put his hand soundly on Jaxon's.

"Hey," he said softly, "You made the best of things," Toori smiled a little at turning Jaxon's words back at him, "And you're one of the most decent people I know." Toori gave Jax that same small smile, holding onto his hand for another moment and giving it a squeeze before letting go. He didn't really want to let go of Jax's hand, but he was still unsure about physical proximity from earlier and he didn't want to cross any boundaries.

"Though," Toori said with a laugh, "I don't really know many people."

[Jenny]

A silence settled over them, and Jaxon couldn't help but feel regret that he'd spoken at all as he cast his gaze down. He had never said something of the like before, though he'd thought it to himself time and time again. Saying it out loud, it felt stupid. Whether it was stupid or not, though, Jaxon knew it was the truth.. He'd always had mixed feelings about the things he did on Cancer and as a pirate- known that it was not noble or brave and that he could be doing better, could be a better person. But he had always smothered those feelings, buried them deeper than almost any other because it was hard for him to accept that he hated himself, at least a little bit.

And right now he hated himself for speaking. Jaxon was about to get up and walk away- just to not have to look at Toori as he changed the subject, but then a hand landed on his. He looked up, surprised and a little vulnerable, as Toori spoke to him gently. Relief swept over him as Toori assured him, not of his own worth but at least of Toori's opinion of him. As Toori squeezed his hand Jaxon felt his chest tighten as if Toori was squeezing his heart instead. He disregarded it pointedly but still squeezed back.

Then Toori's hand was gone. Jaxon feigned indifference, but he wished it had lasted longer. "Thanks," he said simply, torn between wanting to tell him to forget he ever said that and apologize for saying it. Jaxon did neither. "Don't meet too many people, okay? I don't want you changing your mind on me," he laughed.

[chelle]

Toori rolled his eyes and shook his head, folding his hands together in front of him in order to curb the desire to reach out and grab Jaxon's hand again.

"Yeah, well, at least I can assure you that that's unlikely." Toori said, looking down at his hands, wondering if he should say more. A true friend would be able to, to assure Jaxon that he was a good person and a good friend, but Toori didn't know how to do that. Toori couldn't even say for his own mind what made a person good, so how could he judge that for anyone else? And how could he tell Jaxon that he was Toori's best--no--Toori's only friend? The only friend Toori'd ever had who didn't lament in his abnormal tendencies or take it as a challenge, try to 'cure' him or mold him into a model citizen. Jax took him at face value and didn't question it, even tolerated Toori's more extreme reactions, and didn't ask for anything in return. Toori wasn't sure he deserved it, but Jaxon's friendship had quickly rocketed up to the most important thing to Toori.

But Toori had no idea how to begin saying all of that. He had no idea how to be that honest.

He stared down at his hands, hating himself and his inability to speak even his own language. Surely Jaxon deserved a better friend.

"I won't change my mind about you," he murmured, blinking in surprise a moment later because he hadn't meant to say that out loud.

[Jenny]

Jaxon smiled slightly as Toori continued to assure him so determinedly, slowly feeling the weight of his self-hatred roll off his shoulders easily, like water. He was surprised by the ease with which his bad feelings dissolved under Toori's words, and he was sure that only Toori could have done that for him. If he were alone with these thoughts, it would spiral out of control as it always did, until it all became anger and frustration. He wouldn't be able to deal with it.

But somehow, having Toori sitting there, listening to him and caring and telling him that he was worth something, was more than enough to give him peace of mind. Jaxon took a deep breath and felt himself calm down. He hadn't even realized how wound up he'd become.

He looked up from where his eyes had been fixated on the ground when Toori spoke again. What he said was surprisingly honest, though murmured almost shyly. Jaxon smiled, gaze falling from Toori's eyes to his folded hands. Why did he want so badly to touch him?

"I'll try to behave for you so that you won't have to," he said, noting the tightness of his chest with wariness. "I wouldn't want to lose you."

[chelle]

Toori laughed a little awkwardly at that, the knot of insecurity in his chest loosening a little. Despite how often Toori worried that he was a bad friend to Jax, Jax had never given Toori any indication that he felt the same way, and that was reassuring. He almost wanted to bring it up-- wanted to tell Jaxon how insecure he felt all the time, but what if pointing out his own shortcomings just alerted Jax to their presence? What if up until now he just hadn't noticed, and Toori voicing his concerns was the thing that finally broke into Jax's mind and made him realize what a mistake this whole thing had been? As much as he wanted to be honest and forthcoming with Jax, he wanted to keep his friendship even more.

So Toori kept mouth closed and glanced around, searching for some topic of conversation.

"So..." Toori started, finally glancing over at Jax, "Was there anything you wanted to do today?"

[Jenny]

Jaxon couldn't help but smile at Toori's unsure laugh and topic change, feeling more comfortable now that things were finally getting out of uncharted territory. Feelings weren't exactly his forte, and though he liked that he could be honest with Toori, he also liked that they could joke around and just enjoy each other's company.

He was grateful for the change in topic... The question, however, he didn't quite have an answer for. Jaxon made a thoughtful sound and leaned back, crossing his arms. He wasn't exactly the expert on how to have fun in Tynova- he had barely spent any time in the city over the past three years, and when he did, it was all business.

But there was one thing that was pretty much universal fun-- at least to Jax. "Like I said last time.. We should go to a bar," he said with a nod, even though he knew Toori would shoot the idea down. "Or a club! Okay, I know what you're thinking.. But you'll have fun! At least after a couple of shots.."

[chelle]

When Jax suggested a bar, Toori tensed up immediately. Despite the uncomfortable topic Toori was very glad for the distraction from his less-than-comforting thoughts.

"No," Toori said passionately, putting his hands palms-down on the table, "No no no. No a thousand times. I will not have fun, and I will not drink, and you will get drunk and leave me behind and-- and-- and with my luck some lady will try to take me home!" Toori finished his spiel with a flourish of a hand gesture, then pressed his palms back into the table to cover just how agitated the idea made him, "Seriously. I'm not going." He glared across the table at Jaxon, hoping the other caught on to how serious he was. He suspected there were a great many things Jax could convince him to do, but going to a place where the only thing to do was either interact with other people or get drunk was not one of them.

[Jenny]

Jaxon was tempted to burst out laughing at Toori's passionate and animated refusal, but instead he worked to keep his amusement hidden and put on a pout. "Aw, you're no fun," he whined, leaning forward and perching his chin in his hands as he looked at Toori with his best puppy-dog eyes. He was hoping that pity would get Toori on his side, but that didn't seem to be working. All he was met with was a glare from Toori. "Okay, okay, I get it," he sighed, putting his thinking face back on to search for some kind of a compromise.

"What if..." he started as an idea came to him, "We drink here? We can go buy stuff and just bring it back." He didn't know why he was so dead set on getting Toori drunk.. Probably because he was sure that Toori would be very amusing.

[chelle]

Toori frowned and narrowed his eyes at Jax, considering this plan. It wasn't much more appealing than the bar idea, as Toori wasn't very fond of drinking in the first place.

"Why do we have to drink at all?" he lamented, giving Jax his own pleading face, "Why do we need alcohol to have a good time?"

Toori had drunk before, a few times in school he had done so with some friends, and he'd never had a good time. That could have partially been because the times he did drink or got close to drunk some sort of terrible drama took place, and Toori had to either clean up afterwards or was part of the drama himself. And furthermore he just wasn't fond of feeling so far away from himself, feeling so out of control and with no filter between his brain and his mouth. He didn't like the idea of being so vulnerable.

[Jenny]

Jaxon laughed at Toori's pleading face, leaning over the table to ruffle his hair playfully. "Come on, loosen up. You'll have a good time," he assured him for what must have been the millionth time. He sat back for a moment before standing, figuring that he shouldn't give Toori too much time to ponder the idea and start dramatically rejecting him. "Did you have some kind of a traumatic experience while drinking?" he asked with a laugh, looking over his shoulder at Toori as he walked towards the door. "Don't worry, you're with your knight in shining armor now! I'll protect you,"

[chelle]

"I will not have a good time," he insisted, standing up after Jaxon did without really thinking about what he was doing, more concerned with finishing their argument than any ingenious maneuvers on Jaxon's part. He followed Jaxon over to the door, scowling at him all the way.

"I have had several traumatic experiences while drinking, and they have all convinced me that nothing good comes from a group of rowdy, intoxicated people. It's a recipe for disaster and hurt feelings." Toori stopped, realizing he was getting into the territory of things-he-never-ever-talked-about and decided to switch gears, "You're certainly no knight and I'm pretty sure trying to get me drunk is the opposite of protecting me. How about this? You get drunk, and I'll stand by with the camera and take incriminating photographs."

[Jenny]

Jaxon chuckled lightly at Toori's words, amused and not at all surprised by how dismal his attitude towards drinking and partying was, or how pessimistic he was about the prospect of the two of them getting drunk together. Unlike Jaxon, Toori hadn't used drinking and hanging out at bars as a way of bonding.. For him, it probably seemed completely meaningless, and Jaxon was completely aware of that. But for Jaxon, it was one of his favorite ways to waste time, the first thing he did with his friends when he got home and the last thing he did before he left to go on a job. And it wasn't sureness that drinking would be fun that kept Jaxon pushing it, but probably just stubbornness.

At the comment about incriminating photographs, Jaxon laughed heartily. "See, there you go. You have the idea. Blackmailing me will make the experience worthwhile," he said in a matter-of-fact tone as he exited Toori's home and stepped outside. "Lead the way to the nearest liquor store," he requested, gesturing for Toori to take the lead.

[chelle]

It was only when Jaxon told him to lead the way to the liquor store that Toori realized he was halfway out the door. He flushed slightly, embarrassed that he had been so carried away by arguing with Jax that he hadn't noticed where Jaxon was leading him. After a moment of glowering at Jax he sighed, grabbing his keys and wallet before locking the door behind them.

"I have to get groceries anyways," he grumbled darkly, stalking off down the street without waiting for Jax to fall into step beside him. The grocery store was only a block or two away, but if Jaxon wanted a real liquor store he might be out of luck, because Toori had no idea where to find one.

[Jenny]

Jaxon smirked at Toori's embarrassment that he seemed not to have realized where he was being led, half expecting the other to get upset and storm upstairs (which probably would have amused him). Instead Toori took off down the street, grumbling about groceries. Jaxon laughed and hurried to catch up, falling into step beside Toori and throwing an arm around his neck playfully. "Though it suits you, you shouldn't be so grumpy," he scolded, narrowly resisting the urge to mess up Toori's hair again. He released the other as they walked into the grocery store, grabbing a basket from the floor. "What do you need?" he asked, swinging the basket back and forth.

[chelle]

"I can be as grumpy as I want," Toori replied snottily, not caring that he must sound like a little kid, and a bratty little kid at that. When Jax grabbed the basket Toori took it from him, still irritated that he had been led so easily out of the house and into plans that involved drinking.

"Groceries," he said, leading the way down the produce aisle and picking over a few vegetables. He led Jaxon around the store like this, picking out things here and there to feed himself and his grandfather for the next few days. By the time they rounded on the alcohol aisle Toori was still acting grumpy, but it was mostly just that--an act. The truth was, he was having fun, no matter how much he would deny it if anyone said as much. He liked this, just walking around with Jax and talking and joking, it was easy the way it never was for Toori.

[Jenny]

Jaxon snorted out an incredulous laugh at Toori's poor attitude, knowing that it was (most likely) an act- And an amusing one at that. He grinned, following the other after he took the basket and began walking down the produce aisle. "Don't be too specific," he warned sarcastically, trailing behind and observing Toori with amusement as he picked foods out and put them in the basket.

When they turned into the alcohol aisle, Jaxon moved ahead and grabbed two bottles of the same liquor off the shelf. The bottles would be more than enough, judging by their alcohol by volume content and the fact that one of them would probably be a complete lightweight. "Whatever you do," he started, turning to face Toori and gesturing with the bottles in hand, "Do. Not. Throw. Up." he threatened, grinning. Jaxon stepped closer to place the bottles in the basket. "I'll pay," he offered suddenly as they approached the registers, taking the basket back from Toori.

[chelle]

Toori frowned while Jax seemingly selected two bottles random, giving them only a cursory glance before deciding on them. He raised an eyebrow.

"I'd have to be drinking first in order to get sick," he pointed out, "And I don't intend to drink at all." He knew Jax was assuming that Toori would start drinking at some point, and Toori knew as well that this was likely, but he would hold out as long as he possibly could. Hopefully, he could wait until Jax was too drunk to notice that Toori was only pretending to drink, and then act a little tipsy and convince Jaxon that they had both gotten smashed and had a good night.

"Hey, you don't have to--" Toori protested when Jax offered to pay, but it was halfhearted at best, and he relented when Jax took the basket and headed off towards the cashier. The truth was, Toori didn't really make that much money-- not when you factored in the cost of the house and food and his grandfather's mounting medical bills. Sometimes he worked extra shifts at the store not because he loved it (though he did love it) but because he needed the money.