To The Things That We Don't Say [Goblin]

[Paladienne]

He took his time perusing the shelves, studying each item with the scrutiny he normally reserved for work. How did one actually go about doing this? It had been - how long? - at least a couple centuries since he’d even considered looking for a gift for someone. He sighed inwardly. A meaningful gift, for someone he actually cared about. He’d bought many gifts over the years, but they had no significance to them. They’d been tools, bribes, red herrings meant to be utilized while he was working and needed to hold his cover or ensure the wrong kind of attention didn’t fall upon him. The rare few he’d actually bought because he’d thought someone would like them and would treasure them hadn’t had the effect he’d hoped for, and so he’d stopped buying those kinds of gifts. He could still remember the last one he’d bought, years ago. It was still in its box somewhere, forgotten, in his birthgiver’s house.

Orphen reflexively reached over and tugged the dark blue scarf tied around his left wrist. It was a nervous gesture, rubbing the material between his fingers as if he could draw strength from the fabric. His lips quirked in an odd smile; he hadn’t made this gesture in a long time, trying to draw strength from one of the better memories he had of his childhood. That only showed just how much this task was affecting him, and how much he was uncertain about even considering doing what he was doing.

He’d only been here in Samariel for a handful of months, working alongside Jain and getting to know her as both a partner and as a person. Their relationship had two sides - that of professional coworkers who trusted each other to watch each other’s backs, and that of tentative friends who hung out together off the clock and picked at each other like siblings. And though they had reached a certain point in their friendship where they were comfortable with each other’s presence, after these recent events, he’d wondered if they weren’t even that close after all.

But a few days after she’d been released from the hospital, after they’d gotten back into the routine of work and all that familiarity, she’d let him come over to her place, and things seemed to have gotten worse between them before they had, at last, gotten better. But, despite that, he still didn’t know where he stood with her.

She’d told him that sometimes just being was enough, but... Orphen still felt as if Jain deserved something more.

He was good at reading the things people didn’t say and the situations he found himself in - after all, that was part of what made him good at his job - but there were times when, even though he’d believed that he’d read Jain correctly, she still managed to make him second-guess himself all the same. Sometimes he thought that they were really making progress, and then she would say or do something that made him take a long step back and reassess her and himself and wonder. Before he’d met her, only his birthgiver could make him feel like he was being impish and uncertain about himself, but Jain seemed to be able to stir the same emotions in him that Sentria could, and Orphen couldn’t figure out why.

Sure, their assignment together was temporary. Sure, they probably shouldn’t be getting familiar enough to bring emotional attachment to their relationship and, sure, they had to trust each other to watch each other’s backs while they did their job. But the way Orphen was feeling about her... the feelings that had coursed through him when he’d found her lying there, cold and unmoving...

Orphen shoved that thought to the side and locked it down. He continued to twist the fabric of his scarf around his fingers, tightening his fingers in the fabric as if it could somehow save him from the turmoil of his feelings and give him the answers he desired.

Jain was like family... an honorary sister. He’d said as much, the morning after they’d watched his horrible choice in a movie and had talked, but so softly that he wasn’t sure if she’d heard him. He didn’t have siblings, and the only thing he knew for sure was that he enjoyed being around her. It was refreshing being around someone who could banter with him and hold her own and even give him shit right back. He’d come to care about her, even for the short time he’d known her, and he wanted...

Well, he wasn’t sure what exactly he wanted. He’d been alone for so long, trying to figure out his own desires when it came to another person was like trying to win one of his favorite strategy games against Bragi. The dragon could think in ways Orphen found confusing and Bragi was always one or two steps ahead of him, anyway.

Orphen tightened his grip on the scarf, took a deep breath, and let it out slowly.

No, it really wasn’t as complicated as he was making it out to be. Sure, they’d only known each other a handful of months and their first meeting hadn’t been exactly ideal for making good first impressions, but Orphen had come to know Jain almost as well as he could, for all that she would let him.

She’d been happier lately, though. Happier in a way that made Orphen feel as if the world had finally been set right. And he didn’t want to ruin it by asking Jain why she was so happy. It didn’t matter, anyway. So long as she was happy, Orphen would simply accept it as it was.

Still didn’t mean he couldn’t show Jain how much he appreciated her.

“Can I help you?”

Orphen glanced to his right and looked down at the shopgirl beside him. She was smiling, but her eyes showed a little trepidation. A quick glance around told Orphen that he’d been standing here lost in thought for quite a bit longer than he thought he’d been, and a few of the store’s employees had strategically placed themselves in somewhat inconspicuous locations so as to watch him. The girl had obviously gotten the short end of the stick, and had been sent to talk to him. A quick assessment of the girl told Orphen that she was shy, and normally didn’t speak to customers unless she absolutely had to. This was as far out of her comfort-zone as buying a meaningful gift was for Orphen. She didn’t want to be rude, but he was lingering, and it was making people uncomfortable.

Orphen focused on the girl and gave her a soft smile. “Maybe? I’m trying to find a present for a friend. She’s pretty hard to shop for.”

The girl’s face lit up with the pleasure of being able to be helpful. “I’ve heard that line a lot! Nobody’s too hard to shop for!” She beamed up at him. “What does she like?”

“That’s my problem.” Orphen replied. “I’m not sure exactly.”

“Oh.”

Orphen tried not to smile at the disappointment in that one word. It wasn’t for lack of trying that he couldn’t figure out what Jain liked. He knew a few things about her - her favorite foods, drinks, things like that - and based upon his brief intrusion into her home, he’d observed several other things that she seemed to enjoy. But he couldn’t figure out what to get her that would be meaningful and convey what he was feeling for her that she wouldn’t drop into a drawer and forget about or look at him like he was completely insane. In an attempt to take pity on the girl who was trying so hard to help him, Orphen said, “She likes mice.”

“Mice?”

“Mice. Do you have anything with a mouse on it?”

The girl’s face scrunched up as she tried to think. “Maybe? I’ll go try and find something!”

Orphen watched the girl leave, pause to talk with her coworkers, and then continue on her way. Orphen looked at the other salespeople, watching them give him searching looks before they slunk away. He sighed and turned his attention back to the shelves, trying to find something on his own that seemed suitable. He didn’t want to give Jain something someone else had picked out. There was something too impersonal about that. She didn’t deserve something someone else had discovered and brought to him.

He continued moving along, his left arm brought up and over to his right so he could twist and pull at the scarf tied around his wrist. What was it about this situation that made him so uneasy? Maybe he was just uneasy because he didn’t know why this was so difficult. It shouldn’t be this difficult. This wasn’t a mission, he didn’t have to do anything more than select an item, pay for it, and leave, and yet he was struggling over it far more than he’d struggled over any other decision in his life.

He didn’t want to admit defeat.

His fingers ached from where he’d twisted his scarf around them too tightly.

He had to admit defeat.

Feeling an unfamiliar tightness in his chest, Orphen left the shop, heading out and away at a quick but steady pace. The last thing he needed was that girl coming back up to him with something that she’d found. She would probably have a beaming expression on her face that he wouldn’t want to ruin, so he would buy the item anyway, just because he’d sent her looking and she’d been trying to be so helpful, and he wouldn’t want to ruin that moment of fleeting happiness for her. On the other hand, it was wrong of him to run like a coward, too, and he hoped the girl would chalk it up to impatience or that he’d changed his mind. While it was still disappointment, it was a kind of disappointment she could live with and blame him for.

As Orphen walked, he pulled his earbuds from his jacket pocket and slipped them into his ears, and thumbed on his music player. As the music filled his mind, his thoughts slowly swirled to a stop until he was no longer thinking anything at all.

It couldn’t be, and wasn’t, as difficult as he was thinking it was. As he believed it to be. He spent more time thinking and overthinking than he did just feeling. It was with good reason that he kept his emotions tightly leashed, but maybe if he just let go of his thoughts and just let his emotions out for once, everything would fall into place.

Orphen pulled his com out of his jeans pocket and stared at the screen for a long while, his fingers hovering over Jain’s name.

He tapped the button and the screen changed. His fingers slowly moved, typing out a string of words that formed a single, lengthy coherent thought.

Orphen’s finger hovered over the ‘send’ button.

He considered the text for a long while. His fingers moved again, then he sent the message on its way, and continued moving while he waited for her to reply.

Jain, would you like to go out to eat? You pick the place, it’s my treat.

[GoblinFae]

The sound of popping bubbles alerted Jain of an incoming text message from the other room. With her home once more back to one humanoid occupant things had quieted down and returned to their old routine. Well, mostly their old routine. Even with Cabe and Ren off having their own adventures and working hard far from the Samariel they had called home for a time, Jain could say she was happier now than she had been. She felt like she was able to stand on her own two feet now with her life having some much needed clarity instilled in it. Things may not have been perfect, she was still quite lonely from time to time and struggled with the depression and fears of being forgotten that came with it, but she was mending and growing.

She padded softly through the house, the sounds of little plastic balls following behind her as Mitra and Amice rushed to follow "mama." Orphen's name popped up on the screen and she swiped quickly to see what he was up to.

Jain, would you like to go out to eat? You pick the place, it’s my treat.

She smiled, glancing at the time before her thumbs began to fly across the glass surface.

Ooo lucky me! How big's your bank account? ;P

Macaroni and cheese sounds really good actually. That alright with you? We could go to that new Adstreian style place that opened up.

I'm fine with whatever. You pick, you're paying. Where do you want to meet? And when? I'll need at least five minutes to change clothes. I already peeled out of my human suit for the day ;P

With the messages sent, she gently nudged one of the mouse balls to the side with her foot before stepping over the other on her way back to her room. Orphen had been another surprise in her life. She hadn't expected him to stick so firmly to her existence when they had first met. Between the mission and then her accident, he had always just seemed to be there on the fringes of everything. It was so different than the others. Jesse and Cabe had been whirlwinds. Even Ren in his own way had been like that with his impulsive decisions, and then just suddenly he was there just as quickly as he had been gone.

The Procyon though was so very different than the rest of them though. He was like a residue whose outlined remained even long after the offending glass had been removed. His presence and influence was subtle but if you glanced twice you'd realise it was there. She didn't consider it a bad thing but definitely new and...different. He was something constant and sure in a world that was always spinning, spinning, spinning...

Jain changed out of her sweatclothes and into knee-length blue skirt and a buttercup yellow blouse. It might have just been a meal with a friend and coworker but she still felt obligated to put some effort into her appearance, if not for him then for herself. Comfy clothes were fine and well for home but it was important to her that she make that effort for herself. She worth it, whether she believed it or not.

[Paladienne]

Orphen grinned at her responses. Did she really have to ask how big his bank account was? He wasn’t as rich as some of their fellow Pilots but he wasn’t exactly poor either. He had enough to live comfortably and in the style he was used to and liked. His apartment wasn’t exactly as spartan as it had been when he’d moved in, and he’d added a few more material goods to his belongings since it had become clear that his move to Samariel was a permanent one.

Macaroni and cheese is fine with me. I’ve heard good reviews about that place. What milady wants, milady gets.

He knew that last part would probably get him one of her trademark “you’re being an idiot” glowers when he saw her, but he enjoyed teasing her.

If you want, we could meet outside the restaurant. In about twenty? I’m already out and about, so I’ll race you there. Make sure you put on a clean human suit. I hear wearing a dirty one is like wearing dirty underwear.

“She’s definitely going to hit me for that one,” Orphen chuckled to himself. Or she’d get him back, somehow. She always did.

He began to head toward the chosen restaurant, moving slowly so she could take as much time as she wanted to get ready. He would wait for her, or she would beat him there, one of the two. Either way, he felt happy. He felt secure. Two feelings he hadn’t felt in a long while.

His life before Jain had been one of fleeting relationships that were solely business and ghosting through others’ lives, fulfilling his role and nothing more. The one solid relationship he had was one where he couldn’t be himself, not without being reprimanded for it. He’d come to terms with that, and accepted it. He’d started his adult life alone and he would finish it in the same way, and he accepted that, too. He’d once thought he and Jain would simply be fleeting, but it had turned into something more. Something deeper. Something permanent.

His thoughts turned again to the questions that had suddenly begun burning inside him this morning. The questions had always been there, he was sure, but he just hadn’t acknowledged them. Why had he picked Jain out of all his other partners? Even he didn’t have the answer to that question. Perhaps it had been because he’d had to work closely with her and had gotten to know her more than his previous partners. His honorary little sister had needed a shadow in her corner, and he was content to be that shadow. Why had he chosen to let her into his hearts? He didn’t know. Perhaps he was tired of living a solitary life and, beyond his bibi and Bragi, he had no one else.

Either way, he was happy to have Jain in his life.

And when she finally arrived, he grinned widely as he saw her dressed to the nines in that knee-length blue skirt and buttercup yellow blouse.

“You look absolutely stunning, Jain.” Orphen said, meaning every word.

[GoblinFae]

His messages caused her to snort and roll her eyes before she was tucking the mice back into their enclosure and scuttling her way out to meet him. He'd beaten her there as she suspected he would. Becoming human again was an effort after all and Jain while well-practiced in the art was still getting used to fitting into her skin again. Orphen's compliment had her lowering her gaze some with a shy smile and a quiet 'thank you,'

Her shyness didn't last much longer than a heartbeat though as she spontaneously reached for him. Jain slipped her hand into the crook of his elbow and pressed herself close to his side. With her head held high and a stubborn refusal to look at him despite the impish smirk dancing at the corner of her lips, she stepped forward. "Shall we then? Or have you changed your mind about eating here?"

[Paladienne]

Orphen blinked as he suddenly found Jain clinging to his arm as if she was some sort of symbiotic attachment. Seeing that stubborn look on her face, he knew that he wasn’t going to shake her any time soon, and honestly, he didn’t mind it. Of all the people he was willing to let invade his personal space, her name was the only one on the list. Well. Almost the only name on the list, but Orphen wasn’t about to ruin his good mood by bringing that name into the forefront of his mind.

Not today, anyway.

So he hugged his partner close, relishing the fact that she wanted to be this close to him of her own free will. “Have I changed my mind about eating here? Why would I do that?” he asked, grinning at her even though she was refusing to look at him. “You wanted to eat here, so eat here we shall.” He reached to tweak her cheek, his fingers gently brushing against her skin. “Unless you changed your mind?”

But he didn’t give her a chance to move away from him, not when she was already moving forward and practically dragging him along with her. He could tell she was excited, and he could tell she was happy, so him digging in his heels and fighting her on this would only make her unhappy. He’d seen enough of her unhappy, so he didn’t want to ruin the mood or the day for her. Besides, she was his partner, and he’d be remiss if he wasn’t excited to be able to hang out with her outside of work. He didn’t often get that opportunity, since he wasn’t her first choice usually to spend her free time with. But today wasn’t about him, about his wants, and his needs. Today was supposed to be about Jain.

He pushed open the door and held it for her, gently swinging his arm to push her through the door first. Once inside, he took a moment to assess the restaurant as he always did when entering a new and unfamiliar space, but he didn’t show it on his face, instead allowing an easy smile to come to his lips.

As the hostess approached, he was suddenly reminded of the very first time he and Jain had gone out to eat, and he would’ve laughed at the irony as the hostess’s eyes focused only on him. But before she had a chance to speak, he held up his hand, displaying two fingers.

“A table for two, please.” Orphen said, his voice light and happy.

[GoblinFae]

She beamed softly as he accepted and returned her closeness. They were not necessarily an overly affectionate pair of coworkers but sometimes damn it, you just wanted a hug. And Jain was very much on a personal journey currently of doing the things that felt right and good for herself just because she could and wanted to. So she put on clothes that made her happy, she smiled, she hugged, she messaged her friends when she wanted to talk to them instead of worrying about being a bother or them being busy. She had just as much right as anyone else in the world to be happy, at least that was what her friends seemed to think and for now at least she was so very willing to believe them on that.

Jain giggled and did a complete spin as she was tugged through the door. While Orphen talked with the host, she took in the dark, earthy decor with its faux wood and intimate looking interior. It certainly was not what she had been expecting. Hopefully the food would be better though, right? The candles on the table in wine bottles were an interesting touch. She allowed Orphen to take the lead as they were led to their table, feeling a bit unsure now that she finally was immersed in a new environment.

Once finally seated, she tentatively touched the back of her ear before dropping her hands into her lap and sitting up straight. This was just dinner between coworkers, friends even. There was no need to be nervous just because they changed the usual venue.

"Who would have thought," she started, smiling brightly and letting out a deep sigh. "Our first meeting was over a meal not so different from this one. And now it's all the same and yet completely different. Thank you, for this, Orphen. I know I haven't been easy to work with or went out of my way to make things easy for you. So, thank you."

[Paladienne]

He caught the movement of her hand toward her ear, and blinked slowly. Why was she nervous? It wasn’t like they had never had dinner together before. Of course, they’d never had dinner together in a setting such as this. Orphen studied her for a minute longer, then dropped his eyes so Jain wouldn’t feel as if he were staring at her and thus make her anxiety worse. He could tell she was already feeling nervous. “It does hold a certain irony,” he replied, his voice tinged with amusement. “Our first meeting, we were two individuals trying to figure out how to deal with one another. You had your way of doing things, and I had mine. Neither of us really played well together with others, and we had to find something that worked for us. It took time, but look at us now.”

His fingers dancing lightly on the cover of the menu in his hands, he made a show of reading the offered choices. The menu certainly didn’t reflect the decor, so he wasn’t exactly sure what kind of mood the restaurant was going for. Intimate or family? Intimate family? He raised his eyes from the words on the menu and focused on her. “You don’t have to thank me, Jain. You’re my friend, and dare I say it, my best friend. I didn’t exactly make it easy on you or went out of my way to make our work smoother on you either, when we first started out.”

He set the menu down and finally raised his eyes to focus on her face. He didn’t say anything now, just watching her and studying her, and easy smile on his lips. “You know, I’m not sure what this place is going for. It seems like a place my bibi would be right at home in. You know, sitting there, one leg folded over the other at the knee, a glass of wine in his hand, just looking down his nose at everyone. Except he wouldn’t be caught dead eating macaroni and cheese.” Orphen sniffed and added in a tone that was a snooty approximation of his birthgiver’s, “Such a plebeian meal.”

He hoped the attempt at humor would ease the tension in her body. Even make her glower at him in distaste. He knew she didn’t like it when he made a joke at his bibi’s expense, but he didn’t like seeing her looking like she was about to second-guess herself. Then a thought struck him, and the Procyon grinned widely.

“At least I got us a table for two this time.” he said, laughing, his deep voice ringing with mirth.

[GoblinFae]

"Because we are friends it warrants saying thanks all the more. It's important to tell the people you care about that you appreciate them, that you value you them, and that they mean something special to you. If you just let it go unsaid then you risk losing them."

She smiled and waved her hand at his comment about making things easy. Neither of them had. They both had made mistakes and had poor impressions of the other. It was all in the past now. All that mattered was the present because in the present they were friends and colleagues and happy with their working relationship.

Her nose crinkled at mention of Orphen's bibi. Another bibi came to mind though as she couldn't truly imagine Ren's birthgiver being all too keen on eating in such an establishment either. Family was such a tough topic for her and she desperately tried to not think of flashes of long, red hair, the smell of incense, or the crow's feet in a weathering face. Her family believed her dead and so she too must hold them dead to her.

His jest did soothe her nerves some as she barked a choked laugh and nodded her head. "Yes, yes you did this time. What a relief." Jain giggled and shook her head. "I was so angry with you then, so fed up with everything really I think. At least you stuck around though. Like I said, I'm grateful."

[Paladienne]

“I realized you were angry, you know.” Orphen said quietly, his eyes downcast as if he were studying the menu. But his gaze was far away, as if his mind were traveling back in time to the very point of time she was speaking of, and his expression was that of remembrance and regret. “I didn’t know why you were, though. I was trying to get a feel for your mood, a feel for how you would react, and I realized I was pushing your buttons. I was making you angrier. And when you snapped at me the way you did, I had to take a step back and reassess myself and my actions. We were there to work together, not antagonize each other. So I gave you the truth and showed you what I was capable of. After that...”

He lifted his eyes then and met hers, a small smile curling his lips. Gone was his expression of remembrance and regret, and in its place was an expression of brotherly love and affection. “After that, of course I stuck around. I didn’t have any choice at first, but... after a while, I couldn’t imagine myself being anywhere else than across from you in that bullpen. We were partners, and you were the first partner I’d ever had whom I knew. I’d never known any of my partners like I got to know you. They were always faceless, nameless, brief exchanges that had no meaning. But you... you were real and tangible and you had meaning. And you still do.”

His cheeks flushed slightly, as if he had said too much and were embarrassed by it. Shifting in his chair, Orphen reached for his water glass and took a healthy sip, trying to cover his embarrassment. He swallowed and set his glass back down. “And it’s okay to be fed up with everything. To be unhappy and desire change. I’ve been in those places myself over my long years, and they’re not easy to escape on your own. And, you know, Jain, if you ever need anything, all you have to do is ask.”

He fell quiet then, uncertain as to how she would react to the small speech he’d just given. He was too used to hiding his true feelings that when he let down his guard - something he rarely did around anyone, and something he only did with her - he wasn’t sure how his words would be received and how they would be perceived. He hoped that she understood he was speaking from the heart, that he meant every word, and that there was no more behind the statements than love and affection and caring, and that he wasn’t trying to criticize her or anything of the sort. She was the only person that he interacted with on a regular basis, both professional and personal, and so her reactions were how he figured out if he was doing something right or not when it came to interactions with other people.

Normally, he wouldn’t care if anyone thought him a jerk or frigid or whatever else, but Jain’s opinion mattered in a way that no one’s opinion had ever mattered before. He hoped she knew that, even though he was having a hard time expressing it.