I wasn't cut out for that.
With each heavy step digging into deep sand, chilled with the night air while the cold water danced over to soak his black pantlegs, he felt himself drifting further and further away.
The undersides of his wrists itched as a few escaped rivulets rolled down, every breath felt hollow and his ribcage creaked and sighed as he moved. Muscles felt raw and stretched taut from another stressful night, another mission. The only reassuring thing out here on the beaches of Ryun was the cooling touch of the glass bottle of beer in his hand as he trudged along the shore.
The cut above his eye had wept and made him squint, and before he knew it he was wading waist deep through the water, clumsily reaching up to push the facemask off to take another swig. This was a variety that he could only get in Ryun; he'd had it before, something of a local brew. It tasted a bit like sour tangerines.
Jutting out of the cold waters before him was a large rock, tapered to a point that overlooked some of the waves. During high tide it was probably swallowed whole he would imagine; but he didn't know anything about that. All he knew was the rough feeling of the grit cutting into his palms as he started to pull himself up it, his bottom half drenched and weighing so heavy he fell back down once or twice because of his inability to focus.
The world swayed and danced with the ebb and flow of the tide, and eventually he pulled himself up to the top of the rock, letting his legs dangle over the edge, sprays of seafoam tickling his bare feet. He had no idea what time it was, 3? 4?
He went to take another swig and realized the bottle was gone. He could've sworn he had it a moment ago though? Damn. He'd have to get more when he went back to the hotel room.
As he sat up there, the cold wind against his bare chest only somewhat sobering, he realized he needed to cover up and awkwardly fumbled with his mask, still barely hanging to an ear by one loop, to put it back on. At least out here on the beaches of Ryun he could see the stars. Like the stars he could see in the wife's eyes, the reflection mesmerizing as he stood over her, breath labored in the finally still night.
"Sorry," He said. "Sorry." A few more times, as if she could hear it, with tears mixing with the blood dribbling down his face.
Vander I just wasn't cut out for this.
"I don't know why, I don't know how
I thought I loved you but I'm not sure now
I hear the thunder crashing, the sky is dark
and now a storm is breaking within my heart,"
At some point, in its waterproof case strapped to his forearm, he had started recording on his comm, while the backing track he'd made a few nights ago in his apartment played low. His head nodded slightly off to the music, some of his hair clinging to his face either because of a cold sweat or sea water.
Sorry. I'm sorry. Sorry it had to be this way.
"All day all day, watch them all fall down... All day all day, domino dancing,"
I'll take you with me, I'll remember. You won't be forgotten.
"All day all day, watch them all fall down, All day all day, domino dancing, All day,"
As he sang his chin started drifting closer and closer to his pallid clavicle, his nodding to the beat softer and softer. The sounds of the waves crashing against the rock were so soothing and rhythmic, it made it so much easier to drown out the sound of her shriek still echoing in his ears. Like a soft blanket, a cold blanket slowly wrapping around his shoulders to bring him into its darkness and serenity.
With a rather pathetic plop, Loa fell off the side of the rock into the ocean as he fell asleep sitting up.