Getting home hadn’t been the welcome respite she had originally expected. At first, the fire of going head-to-head with the infamous head of the Dei family had coursed through her veins and Jain had felt powerful and vindicated in putting the man in his place. Her tongue had given him a lashing like she had rarely ever done before in her life. In those moments and the ones that followed directly afterwards, she had been strong and confident, unable to be broken or crushed. She was invincible.
But, although she had returned home still feeling the warmth of her inner fire, it was to an empty and quiet house. There was no Ren to greet her with his newest, chaotic plan and glowing grin. There were no Jesse and Cabe waltzing out of her kitchen with food in hand asking to go bar-hopping. There was no one and nobody here anymore. Even sweet Mitra and Amice barely budged at her return, having curled up in their hammock and passed out together.
So as night drew closer, her ire cooled and those oily voices of fear and doubt settled in to whisper cruelly in her ears. Jain had been weary from visiting her family. Being so close and yet so far to them had just torn the hole in her lonely heart ever deeper.
She missed them.
While it was good to see them happy and well, the ache that came with knowing she was left behind never really eased. It only grew worse as time went on. Jain knew she should forget them, should move on and not look back. But, she loved them and she couldn’t forget. Everyone else forgot, but never her. It was her blessing and her curse, to always hold onto the pieces of the puzzle lost beneath couches and in lonely corners.
She had come away from her trip tired and ready to sleep the rest of the day but no, Reitreal Dei had other plans. In the moment she had been able to ignore his poison and brush aside how it affected her. She had even convinced herself for a while that his words had not hurt even as she had waged war with her own. But, that was the problem with poison. It sunk into your bones and ate away at your insides until there was nothing left but a shell, a ghost of yourself.
Jain curled herself up on her couch, dandylion smoking in one hand as her other clutched her knees close against her chest. It stank and not even the incense she had lit to cover the smell did much to counteract it. She took long drags of it nevertheless though. One of the many new habits in her life thanks to Ren, she had a new respect for this small indulgence that made the world seem just a liitle bit less sharp and brutally in focus. The basket of “candy’ he had left behind was still sitting in front of her on the coffee table. Jain had yet to touch any of it though since he had left. When he had been around, she had allowed Ren to dole out the fun. With him gone though she felt no compulsion to experience laughter and pretty colors alone.
Smoking wasn’t enough tonight though. The nastiness of her own mind was just getting louder and louder. Reitreal had been right. She was pathetic. She was unimpressive and weak and unwanted. And oh so, so very lonely. A tired smile twitched across her lips as she took another long pull of smoke, feeling it burn deep into her lungs before she tilted her head back against the couch and let it out in a long plume.
It should not have surprised her at this point; she was the left behind once more. Was that not how she had wanted things? No family. No friends. It certainly made her job easier. Humans were pack creatures though and this lone mouse was desperate for a place and family to call her own. She did not deserve it though. She had made her family forget, had even gone so far as to consider it the lesser of evils. This way there was minimal danger to them and they would never have to one day weep for a daughter that died with no explanation. She had driven Cabe away. She had killed Jesse. As a penance, she had helped Ren heal before promptly sending him back on his way.
Things were back to the way they should be. So why did it hurt so much? Why did it feel like with each inhalation, her heart was tearing itself to pieces within her chest? Why did each exhalation feel like she was choking back a sob? What was this weight on her chest pressing in further and further so that she was left gasping for each new breath?
Jain unfurled herself, her feet hitting the floor numbly as she tried to sit up straight and breathe easier. It wasn’t working though. Nothing really would. The pain in her chest moved from a dull ache to a lancing throb across her ribs and just beneath her breast. With a groan she dropped her head into her hands but froze as she felt the wetness of her cheeks against her palms. She couldn’t even remember when she had started crying. Her shoulders soon shook with the force of those leaking dams being released into an unstoppable torrent.
When had she become this way? When had Jain stopped being strong and confident and turned into this broken shell that was scattered all over the place? She couldn’t remember anymore. She didn’t know when the face in the mirror stopped reflecting back the pure essence that had once been her. It terrified her. She felt like she was losing her mind and with each new interaction, each new friend she brought in close, she felt herself tearing into smaller and smaller pieces as they skipped back out of her life.
Why? When?! HOW?!
She couldn’t remember. She didn’t know! She wasn’t even sure she wanted to try to understand it all right now. Jain just wanted to forget. She just wanted to have a few minutes where she didn’t have to remember, to not have to feel so fucking much all at once. Was that so much to ask? Would her goddess forsake her on this too? Would she forever be alone and miserably unhappy?
Jain gasped for air once more, feeling very much like she was drowning in the sea of her own tears. For one moment she picked up her com and considered dialing Cabe or Ren. Hell maybe even her new coworker could be better than the oppressive darkness that was boxing her in, right? With a cry of disgust she shakily shot up and hurled the device as hard and far as she could. A distinct crash of shattering glass marked its landing even as she collapsed once more into a heap on the floor.
What was the point? She didn’t belong near any of them. All she wanted was to go home, but she had no place to go to even as she sat in her own apartment. She had fallen from grace long ago and was oh so lost and alone now. They were better off without her. They would forget her soon enough as they moved on with their lives. Ren and Cabe had each other now. She had served her task and was no longer required. As for Orphen, he could find another partner or return to his own dome. She was no one to him, to any of them now. She was nothing more than a forgotten memory.
And in that moment, Jain realised what she wanted. She wanted to forget even for just an hour or two and she knew just how to do it. Eyes red from crying raised to stare at the inviting basket of “goodies” still resting so innocently on her table. Mechanically, she dragged it closer and began to pluck out various pill bottles, inspecting each one before setting them aside.
There they were!
A pair of lids were popped of their respective bottles as she shook the small oval, pink pills and the round, blue ones into her palm. She had seen Ren pop fistfuls of them at a time before. As a man practically twice her height, she was sure a significantly smaller dose would be enough to give her the desired effect without too much danger. She plucked out two of the benzos and one of the sedatives. Maybe this way she could just float until she drifted to sleep, this way she could forget in dreamless sleep until the morning made everything bright and clear again.
The pills were downed quickly with the dregs of her wine glass before she laid down on the floor, too drained and exhausted to crawl into bed anyway. The tears had mostly slowled and dried tightly upon her skin, leaving her cold and numb inside. Weakly and at first barely above a whisper she began to sing an old lullaby. As the drugs began to work their way into her system though she grew bolder, rocking tiredly from side to side on the floor as the old words tumbled from her lips in a broken mantra. “Om bhur bhuvaha svaha. Tat savitur varenyam. Bhargo devasya dhimahi. Dhiyo yonah prachodayat.”
Her eyelids grew heavy as she shivered there on the floor. Visions danced before her eyes and the pain began to fade away. Jain couldn’t even remember what had made her hurt so much in the first place. She felt so light in those moments. Her breathing was so easy now, so slow and deep as if the weight on her chest had been lifted. She felt so tired now too. She was sure if she just closed her eyes for a moment and slept, everything would be okay. It would only take a second, then everything would be forgotten. All would be well. She just needed to sleep and then tomorrow would be a new day to get up and try again.
For half a second she considered dragging a blanket off the couch to stop her trembling but the command to make her limbs move did nothing. She didn’t have long to reflect on it though for Jain was passed out a heartbeat later. She never even heard the pained bleating of her com in the other room nor saw the flashing letters on the shattered screen.
ERENYS DEI CALLING...
