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Author Topic: What Could Have Been But Will Never Be.  (Read 638 times)

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Offline Draconian

What Could Have Been But Will Never Be.
« on: March 19, 2018, 01:09:08 am »
It was a long time since Iri had gone home.

Iridescent missed his apartment. Missed his ceiling. He pushed a hand through his shimmery rainbow hair and looked at himself in the dingy mirror of the literal one room he'd spent the last week in. Frowning at the tired look in his eyes. The sickly paleness of his skin. Usually he'd had a nice healthy flush but the past few days he'd been so tired and clammy feeling.

At least it was time to go though. The hit was done, he'd laid low for the gossip to die down - it officially had been a heart attack. Now it was time to finally go home. Do the paperwork. Rest a bit and then... Go out again. Iri sighed wearily, dreading the next time he'd be sent out. Maybe request a transfer when he got back home and rested up. Talked to someone.

He'd done his best to not think of Sevastian. It just made his chest ache and aside from the lengthy conversation between jobs in which it ended up them just falling asleep and breathing into the phone, Iri had kept contact to a minimum. A maximum for what he was technically allowed but... Iri rolled his shoulders and looked around the room, making sure he wasn't forgetting anything personally important.

There was nothing there and the cleaners would be by in a few hours to make the little place look like Iri had never been there. Clothes would be burned or donated. Blankets. Left over food. Or at least that was the plan. A cramp gripped Iridescents midsection and he held his side before he made his way to the little kitchenette, one hand resting on the counter while he breathed through the sharp jolt of pain.

Apendix? Something fucking hurt. It was unfortunate placing of the plate when the next jolt of pain hit, his hand slipped and Iri's head connected with the drawer, giving him a daze and a new focal point of pain. The fuck. Iri's heart started to thump and with a grunt, he fumbled with his com and tried to contact anyone but distraction quickly took over when he felt something wet at his legs.

"The fuck," He panted, sweat breaking out on his forehead. He was on his way home, dammit. Tears of frustration and pain pricked his bright eyes and he pressed his forehead to the floor and breathed deeply to calm himself. He could deal with a little bit of pain and a forgotten period. That was fine. It was fine. Still, he pressed a hand to his abdomen when the sharp pain didn't let up and he was already so tired. It wasn't sleep, so much as his brain just short circuited. Every time he moved he hurt and there was no bed to crawl into and cry on. His heat where he hit it throbbed.

Fuck. Iridescent tentatively reached down to his legs. He was wearing pants so he was just expecting a little accident, his hand came back covered in red and he was alarmed at how fresh and bright it was. Did he get poisoned? He was dying. Iri half expected to cough up blood next but all that hit him was nausea from the pain. Again, he tried the com, smearing blood across the screen before he could finally call for medical attention. Bleeding. Head trauma. Location.

He didn't move though. He curled up on his side, one arm tucked under his head and the other wrapped protectively over his belly, eyes squeezed shut.

Iridescent probably fell asleep, a restless one because when he woke up - or at least he didn't remember the timeline from after he called for medical. His eyes popped open and a nurse tending to the iv of fluids beside gave him, the nurse gave an owlish look before the unmistakable look turned to sympathy. A button was pushed and Iri just closed his eyes again.

"Iridescent Nebula?" A husky soft voice said his golden eyes popped open, and the doctor got his full attention "We're deeply sorry about the baby," He sighed, clearly not enjoying the news he had to give, "by the time we got you here there was nothing we could do except make you as comfortable as possible." Iri stared, confused, eyes wide. His hands fluttered to his abdomen and he just... Stared.

It was an odd reaction. A flutter of excitement because he'd been pregnant only for it to immediately be dashed. His eyes widened when he remembered what'd he'd been putting his body through the last few weeks since... "I was pregnant?" He asked, voice thick and confused.

"You... I'm so sorry you had to find out this way. We had taken the liberty of calling your emergency contacts - You've been asleep for almost 6 hours after we tended to the bump on your head and gave you pain killers." The doctor sighed and looked down and away.

A glance at his 'clipboard' - a device on his arm that projected a list of things for him to mention or take notes about. "We've scheduled you for a D&C at 8 tomorrow morning - it's 18:36 now - It's a quick procedure and unfortunately a little invasive but it's to make sure nothing is left behind that could cause issues or infections. Please get some rest before then," A sigh and the Doctor gave the bed a pat before going to the door, turning just in time and the door clicking so softly to miss Iri pressing his face into his hands and trying to cry quiet heartbroken sobs.

He'd never felt so alone before in his life.

Offline nephero

Re: What Could Have Been But Will Never Be.
« Reply #1 on: March 19, 2018, 03:10:03 am »
   When Sevan was young, and felt lost in a wash of thoughts and memories and feelings he just couldn’t seem to shake, the warden of the orphanage taught him to sit and meditate. To focus on the simplicity of his own breathing. Nothing else would stay— it would pass through with every exhale, like water through cupped hands.

   Close your eyes, breathe in on a five count, hold on a five count, exhale on a five count. Empty out all else. The surface thoughts of the civilians he passed every day. The memories of comrades cut down beside him. The lingering fears that the last time he had seen Iridescent, soft and shimmering and beautiful even in the dimness of the evening light, would be the last time he would ever see him.

   The few times they had been able to keep contact had been the highlight of his day. Iri fell asleep first, of course, but the soft sound of his breathing so close to Sevan had just felt so nice that Sevastian didn’t have the heart to hang up. That, and what if Iri woke up under all those wrong ceilings? He needed to sleep, especially doing whatever important work he’d been doing, and—

   And so Sevastian meditated. Because how else could he focus on being even remotely functional when it seemed every trick of the light had his heartbeat racing? The phone call had come after what had felt like an eternity of silence, and Sevastian had thrown aside all thoughts of inner peace and crashed all the way across the living room to answer it.

   But, instead of hearing Iri’s voice, quiet and soft and shy, Sevan got to listen to a stranger apologize for the late hour and that a complication had arisen during the line of duty, and if he would please report to the medical unit to go over important—

   Sevan didn’t remember rushing out the door. Didn’t remember hopping in place to get his boots on halfway down the hallway. Didn’t remember tripping at the end of that same hallway. And certainly didn’t remember running full tilt all the way to the hospital where Iridescent was being treated.

   There were the usual annoyances: signing in, making demands of people who had no idea what he was on about and had their own protocol to follow. And then proceeding to interrogate every single uniformed individual within eyesight until, finally, finally, Sevan was face to face with Iri’s doctor.

   He almost couldn’t believe what he was hearing. Stress he could understand. Duress. The effects of those on the body, especially one in a delicate condition. The loss of that delicate condition.

   A baby. There had been a baby. There had been a baby and now there was just… nothing. And Sevan hadn’t even known. Had Iri known? Had it even been too early for that? How long had it been since…?

   The following hours became a blur. Iri was still unconscious, still being given an IV cocktail, and was still where Sevastian couldn’t reach him. Sev couldn’t even remember what time he’d first made it there. He wasn’t even sure what time it was right then. But the time spent roving the hospital in lieu of searching for that old inner peace eventually spat him out at some mid-level food court, complete with a 24-hour coffee shop where the equally exhausted employees smiled their sympathetic smiles and slid him a concoction of sugar and caffeine that very well could have landed him in a hospital room himself.

   The drink was about halfway done by the time Sevan wandered back to the hall that would lead him to Iridescent, and caught the same doctor looking down at a chart and looking alarmingly pensive.

   And then just genuinely alarmed when Sevan reached out with one massive hand and kept him from taking one more step.

   “Pilot Torje, you’re still here. Pilot Nebula is awake. He’s… in a bit of an emotional state, it seems his condition was not something he had been aware of—”

   “He’s awake.”

   “Yes, I—”

   Sevan was not around to find out what else the man had to say. He didn’t care; all that mattered was the man laying in the hospital bed, how Iri’s hands were at his face and the unmistakable shake of Iri’s shoulders as he cried. Sevan shoved his coffee cup down and immediately forgot it existed, and moved over to Iri’s bedside.

   “Hey,” he said, lamely, because nothing else quite summarized the storm of feelings that rattled in his ribcage as ‘hey’.

   “I’m sorry,” he said shortly after, just as lamely, petting at Iri’s shimmering hair and being very careful where the hair ended and bandaging began. “I’m so sorry, Iri.”

Offline Draconian

Re: What Could Have Been But Will Never Be.
« Reply #2 on: March 19, 2018, 03:31:22 pm »
The 'hey' had him jolt up, eyes wide and red.

There was no question on who the other parent of the baby had been. Iri closed his eyes and let out a long shaky breath. He didn't want to be in a hospital again. He'd just gotten out of the hospital. Stupid plate. If he hadn't slipped on the plate he'd be home by now in his own... Bed. Or something. Like a needy cat, Iri pressed his head against the hand and closed his eyes before he slipped his hands around Sevan's wrists and shimmied to one side of the bed, keen on tugging the other Pilot onto it.

"You don't have anything to be sorry for," His voice was soft and tired and moved his hand to the bandage on his head before he pressed at it and finally picked it off and threw it onto the floor. A little bruise at the hairline before he sighed and looked down at his hands before finally sighed and pressed his fists to his eyes. Did Iri tell him?

Swallowing thickly, Iridescent pulled his hands down and away before curling his arm around Sevan's torso, eyes closing for a moment. "I didn't know," He finally whispered, hollow sounding. "I'm sorry. I didn't know. I didn't think and... If I had only been more careful..." He moved his hand down to his abdomen, where he'd been unknowingly trying to nurture a ... Iri winced at the thought. Another sigh. His head hurt and he just wanted to sleep but Sev was here and...

"I wanted to surprise you." He admitted, flushing and looking away, "I was on my way home and I was going to just... Pop up at your door and demand hugs and ask if I could stay the night. It was going to be awkward and we were going to blush and shuffle our feet." Iri sighed and let his head fall back onto the pillow, "That failed though. I had cramps and i leaned on the counter but... I put my hand on a plate and it slipped. Went down like a bag of rocks, i hit my head and then there was blood so... I panic called for medical, I..." Iri glanced away, "I don't really need to be here."

A small tired smile, "I'm sorry I made you come all the way here, I owe you dinner." A nice topic change. Then the mask cracked and scared Iri poked through, "Will you stay with me? I really missed you."

Offline nephero

Re: What Could Have Been But Will Never Be.
« Reply #3 on: March 24, 2018, 05:46:27 pm »
   It didn’t take much persuading to get Sevan into the bed. It took a lot more maneuvering to physically get into the bed, though. A little adjusting, a little careful shuffling, and finally Sevan settled in beside Iridescent, his right arm raised just a bit to give Iri something to rest his head on.

   The other Pilot nestled against Sevan’s collarbone, Sevan was able to use his free hand to brush those silky soft strands out of Iri’s face, thumbing against dried tear tracks until all evidence was gone. He let Iri talk, just… get it all out there, though Sev couldn’t help the little hitch to his breath as Iri reached down to touch at his own abdomen, where there had been…

   Where theirs had been.

   It hadn’t been something he’d even considered. It hadn’t been something Sevan had ever planned, not for himself and not in this way, but… still. Losing what had almost been had been… disappointing. And Sevan could only imagine how Iri felt about it. Nuzzling at the top of Iri’s head and still careful around that bruise, Sevan took a breath and considered just what he wanted to say.

   “You don’t have anything to be sorry for,” he echoed, “I mean that. Surprise visit would’ve been nice, though.”

   It was a lame attempt at humor, but Sev couldn’t even be embarrassed. He was just too relieved. Relieved that, at the end of it, Iri was still here. Still here and in one piece and…

   Something in Iri’s voice, in the way he asked Sevastian to stay gave the bigger Pilot pause. It wasn’t usually Iri’s style to be so… open. Raw. Vulnerable. There had been hints, before, of course. Little fears that broke the surface, little comments about how the ceiling was wrong and the place sounded weird and any number of things Iri said when he was feeling terribly uncertain. But openly asking for Sevan to stay? And without even trying to hide it?

   That was something new, and Sevastian would do anything and everything in his power to make sure whatever was making Iri feel like this wouldn’t last. Not on his watch.

   “Of course I’ll stay. It’s more comfortable up here than on the waiting room chairs.” He rumbled, low and quiet to keep from drawing any more attention to the matter than need be. Sevan nuzzled at Iri’s hair again, and slowly moved his hand down to rest against the other Pilot’s side, thumb moving in little circles against the soft movement of Iridescent’s ribcage. “And you don’t have to ask if you can stay the night. You can just… stay the night. And we can… keep an eye out for when to be careful.”

Offline Draconian

Re: What Could Have Been But Will Never Be.
« Reply #4 on: March 27, 2018, 11:50:04 am »
Being tired always snuck up on it.

One moment he was awake staring at the ceiling, thinking about nothing. Everything. Then he was asleep and rolling to turn off his alarm. No dreams. Iri usually woke up tired. Drained. Then he went about his day as usual, crawled into bed and did it all over again. Iridescent let his head rest on Sevan's shoulder, listening to his heartbeat through the flesh, eyes closed for a time.

Meeting the little group through the chat. Having lunch. It had literally changed Iridescents life for the better. Before his life had been work. Just work. He'd go out on a stake out, do that, come home. Go to work again. The people he'd met though threw a wrench in that.

Made people he wanted to see when he was done work.  People outside of contacts. Iri snuggled in, pressing his lips to the pulse at Sevan's throat, curling an arm around his torso and just existed for the time being. Thought about just what had lead up to this evening. The frantic need Iri had felt when he'd learned about his friends death. The need to be alive and share that with someone. Little did he know, that last evening (and morning) before leaving for his near two month stake out they'd...

"I'm sorry," Iri whispered, rubbing his thumb against the fabric under his hand. "I didn't think that..." He sighed and pressed tighter to Sevan's side. "Did..." It was still raw but... The wound was open and it felt better to talk about it now. "Did you ever imagine having children?" He said softly, "I always did. My mother was a wonderful person and... I wanted any children I had to have a part of her. She never got to see grandchildren - I'm an only child - but... Maybe someday. Little children with her eyes." Another sign and Iri leaned up, pressing his chest to Sevan's.

"I'm going to apply for a different job. I didn't know I was pregnant but the second I found out what happened I wanted that child and I didn't..." Iri's eyes filled with tears and he lifted his hand from Sevan's chest to wipe at them angrily. Angry at himself. Angry at his tears. They didn't stop though, "I didn't even get the chance to protect it. I didn't even get the chance to... Do anything. I was so focused on work. I barely ate or slept. I didn't notice anything and... I killed it. My negligence killed it. I killed our baby." A wet sigh and Iri pressed his face to Sevastian's chest.

"I'm sorry. We're not even dating. We're not even a thing. I'm just... Maybe this is for the best." Iri closed his eyes and sighed again, voice turning small.  There was a moments silence before he snuggled back down against Sevan's side. "Thank you for coming here, Sevastian. It means a lot to me. You're a lot more comfy than the bed."

Offline nephero

Re: What Could Have Been But Will Never Be.
« Reply #5 on: April 24, 2018, 01:07:45 am »
   The soft touch of lips against Sevan’s throat made his heart skip a few beats. It was a small thing, some inconsequential thing, but the familiarity that went with it was… nice. It made him want to smile, and he certainly wasn’t about to fight that urge any. At least until Iri spoke again.

   Sevan shifted, just enough to be able to look down at the top of Iri’s head, his brows knit at the whispered apology. At first he didn’t understand why Iri was apologizing to him about anything, but then it all started piecing together. The baby. The fact neither of them had planned on the baby. The fact that neither of them would ever get to…

   Sevan shifted with Iri, let him settle against his chest, and slowly moved his hands along the Kulshedra’s back, rubbing in slow, gentle circles.

   “Hey. Hey, look at me. All right? You don’t need to apologize for anything. It’s not your fault— it’s no one’s fault. You didn’t know, and… and it just happened. You didn’t kill anyone.”

   Words were hard. He was trying to find the right things to say, but when there were no right things that could be said, well, that left someone with Sevan’s considerable lack of skill high and dry. Still, he wanted to try. Iri deserved for him to try, and more than anything, Sevan wanted to try for this. And if he was honest, he wanted to try for a lot of things.

   “Well. If you wanted. Maybe we could…” Sevan wasn’t sure if now was the time, or if any time would be the time. But Iri had wanted it, hadn’t he? The thought of it, of them plus one more, well. That certainly made his heart skip more than a few beats. “I’ve never had a family. Not really, grew up a ward of the state and then right into the ATC. I’m kind of out of practice but I like the idea of a family. Kids, I mean.”

   His hands stilled against Iri’s back, and he looked down into the other Pilot’s eyes, red rimmed and still shining bright with unshed tears. Sevan shifted, just enough to run his thumbs over Iri’s cheeks, trying very hard not to let his nerves get the best of him.

   “Maybe we both get different jobs. And maybe we can be a thing. On purpose, I mean. You and me. And anything else that arrives.”

Offline Draconian

Re: What Could Have Been But Will Never Be.
« Reply #6 on: May 21, 2018, 10:03:05 pm »
There was something unusually soothing about Sevastian. Iri closed his eyes and reached up to rub at them before wiping his face with the back of his hand and sighing, pressing his ear to Sev's chest so he could feel the rumble in his head. Slowly, Iri opened his eyes, big and golden, looking up into the strange combination of dark and green Sev's eyes were. It felt nice to be told it wasn't his fault - it was - a tragic accident.  Still, it felt nice and Iridescent snuggled back against his chest, making sure the side of his face was pressed against the steady somewhat fluttery heartbeat.

Iri's fluttered too when the large pale man continued. It occurred to him then that, while they got along and found comfort in one another the past was in the past. Talk about past things led to work things and Iri couldn't talk about his job. The job that robbed him of his time and well being. Iri leaned back to watch Sevastian talk, eyes wide, pupils large with interest and curiosity.  Again, like a cat, Iri leaned into the hand on his cheek and he sighed, lips parting while he looked from Sev's eyes to his lips. 

The words were heard but they didn't process for a moment.

Though the situation was sad, Iridescent grinned widely, the sharp teeth apparent before he buried his face against Sevastian's chest, giving a breathless sighing laugh. Again, there were tears in his eyes when he leaned back, but he inhaled deeply and sniffed before wiping them away roughly. "I think I like the idea of that," Iri whispered, reaching to grab Sev's hand, he pulled it down to press a lingering kiss to his palm. "I can't imagine having a day job," He said softly, snuggling in, pressing his body to the warmth of the other man's. "I might get medical leave," He said softly, the guilt was still heavy but having someone to talk to about something else eased it.

 "Want a roommate for a few days? I don't think we've spent more than a few handful of hours together at a time," Iri frowned and looked away, recalling that the last time they'd been together had been the situation that caused this event. Iri chewed on his lip and glanced away, flushed. "For the record," His voice went lower and softer, "I think you'd be wonderful family."

Offline nephero

Re: What Could Have Been But Will Never Be.
« Reply #7 on: October 11, 2018, 12:35:31 am »
   For a moment, all Sevastian wanted to do was watch Iri move. Even the tiniest things, like how he took a steadying breath or tried to blink away his tears, or simply burrowed close in a way that made Sevan feel like so much more. It was an alien sensation— he knew, of course, that he was part of a whole; part of the Aedolian war machine, a proud patriot and more than happy to have a purpose there. It was, without even the slightest trace of self-pity, the only family he’d ever known.

   But Iri promised more, the maybe perhaps possibility of knowing more than the family of duty to his country. Of maybe perhaps possibly knowing what it was like to come home to an apartment not just haunted by a cat who grossly resembled some kind of prehistoric beast, but a home. An actual home with another person waiting for him— an actual home with family dinners, and maybe special date nights, and maybe even perhaps possibly a yearly tradition of counting out one candle, and then two, and then three—

   Sevan hadn’t known, until today, just how close he’d come to something like that. But now that he did, he felt like he was drowning in want for it. His chest felt tight, a tangy mixture of bitter and sweet all at once as he looked down at Iri’s gorgeous smile and watched it disappear against his chest.

   “A few days,” he repeated, struck near dumb at how Iri seemed almost bashful of how they’d certainly spent their time together before. “Yeah.”

   Clearing his throat a bit, Sevan took a moment to lick at his lips as he tried, again, to speak like he had more going on in his skull than a couple pebbles rolling around and making a ton of useless noise. Trying to buy himself more time, Sevan took to carding his fingers through Iri’s hair, glorious and entrancing even here in the hospital light, and soft enough to slip right between his fingers as if it were made of barely more than a whisper.

   Quiet and soft and shy, just like he was.

   “I can imagine you with a day job,” he said, imagining this whisper of a man working quietly at a desk, doing something utterly mundane in comparison to weeks of silence and classified information. “Something not boring, though. Even if you’re a book nerd.”

   Sevan curled a finger around a lock of shimmering pale hair, and gently twisted it around and around. Never tight enough to catch, the lock sliding around his finger without catching, despite the callous-roughened edges of his fingertips. He brought it up to his face after one final curl, kissed the soft strands before shifting enough to plant a second, even more delicate kiss to Iri’s temple.

   “I’d like to be family.” He paused, tried to decide if he wanted to play his full hand or keep from being too overwhelming. But that same old drowning want was yowling for acknowledgment, and so Sevan barreled on, cheeks flushing a bit as he stumbled over what he was trying to say. “I mean. After roommates for a couple days. And figuring we don’t end up hating how we wash the dishes or some shit. Being family. Your family.”

 

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