Hey,
I was going to call but I wasn't sure if you would be sleeping or not what with the medications and such. I know how much hospitals suck and they're the sleep police: want you to rest and then insist on waking you up every few hours to administer this or that. Point is, if there was one, is that I didn't want to wake you and be a brother.
I miss you. I miss you like fucking crazy, Cabe. They had me out for two weeks and I just got back and...it was rough. Mission was fine and I'm...me. But, you know how it is, that trying to settle back in and all. I keep reaching for the phone too to text you and ask if you want to go to Sailfin for a bite to eat before I catch myself. (Sorry I know you're probably dying for some sushi out there. I'll bring some again next time I visit if you don't visit here first.) I even accidentally speed-dialed Jesse only to be met with "line out of service" message. Suuuuuper jarring.
Anyway I'm rambling. How are you? And not the bullshit slapstick answer. How are you really? Do you know if they're keeping you out there now once you heal or...? I miss you. Did I say that already? I can't even remember. I opened some sake or something that Jesse left left in my panty months ago. Potent stuff. I have a feeling I'm going to regret this tomorrow.
Rory! How is my favorite furball? He been keeping you in line?
I keep thinking I hear his meows and open my door expecting to see him sitting on the mat all regal-like. Give him extra cheek scratches and pets from me. And make sure you tell him they're from me! Don't go trying to steal my affections to him. Goddess knows you have all of mine and more already. Ha ha ha Ciri delete last line.
But, I was talking about missing you and I do and some of that I think is also because I miss our friendship. I fucked up baaaaaad, Cabe. I hate myself for that. Sure we both apologized and all but I know that doesn't make it better and I'm so so so so sorry. I don't deserve your friendship and I'm selfish still wanting it, I know. But, Cabal I know there is no starting over. There are no clean slates in life. We can become whoever the fuck we want but inside we're still as twisty inside as we always were before, maybe a bit more twisty with each new mask we wear. But, can I earn your friendship back? Can I work to be worthy of your trust in me again? I know it won't be easy if you even let me but I want to try. I don't want to give up. I've given up on so many things in my life and lost so much. I don't want to lose you too. You were the first friend I ever had and I did not and do not deserve the kindness you showed me. And I'm so sorry.
I'm rambling, I'm sorry for that too. I should have said all this a long time ago and I should have for certain said it sooner after I hurt you. I thought if I gave you space and let you be you wouldn't hate me as much, that you would not find me a bother and an annoyance like I usually am. Ren says though that I'm probably driving you further and further away by doing that. Maybe it's already too late at least to have what we once had. I don't know. I think I'm drunk at this point. The sentiment is all here but the words just don't make sense, you know?
Wordy words later, I love you. I miss you. I hope you're doing alright really and truly. If you're not I'm here if you want to talk. And I'm still here if you don't. I'll always be here no matter what. You're my friend, my family, one of the people I want to share everything with whether it be my joy or my pain. I fucked up before. I lost Jesse and didn't treasure what I had and I'm going to be damned if I do it again.
Anyway this was supposed to be a quick "hi how are you" and turned into Jain's bleeding fucking heart fueled by whatever this bottle was and poor decisions. Make of it what you will I suppose, Cabe. You don't even have to answer it. I wouldn't hold it against you. Apparently I needed to get it off my chest I guess. I'm trying to move forward and be the kind of person you can be proud of, that I can be proud of. One step at a time, right?
Rambles aside I hope the meaning is in there somewhere. I'm not broken and I'm not dying but shit isn't the same without you here and I'm a terrible friend. I think that sums it up well enough. Oh and I could really use a hug right now. But, nothing can do about that one. Be safe, be well, be
happy, Cabe. Hopefully talk to you soon too if I haven't pissed you off for good now with this.
~Nemo