Hello, Captain Ari Maxwell!
Do you sigh in disappointment when you remove your pants? Is your cannon more like a derringer? Do women laugh when you drop your shorts?
If the answer to any of these is yes, don't despair! Simply reply with your contact information, mother's maiden name, bank account number and routing number, and we'll send you a free 30 day supply of our groundbreaking male enhancement product! Try Hickory Dickory Doc for just 30 days, and you'll see a huge improvement in the length, girth, and hardness of your lance! Wow the ladies with your new equipment today!
Disclaimer: a shipping charge of 100000 credits will be applied to your bank account upon accepting this offer. Subsequent payments of 5000 credits will be automatically applied every 30 days after the initial free period unless you go through a long, tedious process of cancelling the offer, one which has been specifically designed to frustrate you so much as to enslave you to our product by making you not want to cancel. Results have been greatly exaggerated, and, honestly, you'd have to be an idiot to accept. This disclaimer is legally required to be placed in this message, but we are taking full advantage of the fact that no one ever said anything about it having to be readable, so there!