Just this once... (Rina <3 )

[Anonymous]

Alesku was disappointed, a feeling that had grown in the time he'd spent with his Candidate that afternoon--maybe because after her quiz score he'd begun to expect more.  But very little, if anything, had changed.  He didn't invade his Candidates' minds wantonly, but he had spread his awareness--and used common sense--enough to realize Finaa hadn't really been listening.  More to the point, she didn't care.  The brushoff she tried to give him was just a little too far over the line.  He'd taken her out as a reward, but that didn't mean he'd tolerate that kind of disrespect.  It pained him that she seemed so blind to such an essential part of human life: the mind, the moral sense, reason.

"My principles are not some quirk of personality," he said at last, ignoring her request for a beer.  It irritated him that she was focused on little superficial details.  Yes, she asked his permission, but even asking permission was only more haggling over the little pleasures.  Her mind was not where it should be.  She'd studied hard lately, but she clearly hadn't faced her life with the depth he expected of his Candidates.  Her efforts were shallow, hasty, perfunctory.  Alesku realized as much, and realized, too, that she still thought him guided by whim just as she was.  She thought the difference between them was one of kind, not of degree.

But Alesku judged everyone on his moral continuum, and to him, the difference was stark.  Finaa fell short.

"I expect you to think about the reasons for your actions," he went on, his voice harder and sharper than his usual soft near-monotone, "and I expect you to govern  your life by reason.  I am not asking you to be 'serious,' I am asking you to think.  You will not survive as a Pilot if you have no strength of will; you won't be able to bond with your Dragon and probably it will destroy you."  He thought briefly of the few Pilots who did live that way, like Lockwood and Sulo.   "Don't be so quick to dismiss me, Finaa, or to imagine you only annoy me.  Annoyance is an emotion and unimportant.  I have reasons for my disappointment.  There's something very wrong  with how you think, and I object to your levity only because I know there's nothing under it.  Shall I tell you I scored an eighty-eight on the test you took, or that I spend some of my off time relaxing and joking with friends and playing sports?  And that's all fine, al Jarn, because I have the armature of reason under it.  You don't.  Even out here, having fun, out at a restaurant."  He gestured toward the buzz of conversation and the many screens playing the Magball game.  "So the hell what.  This should mean the same thing as a quick dinner in the cafeteria, or no dinner at all.  This should not change how you think or how you act or how you are.  And make no mistake, Candidate, your lack of respect for me is a problem.  My words are not empty because I choose not to inflict pain with them.  You will listen to me and you will consider what I say, because I don't want you to be happy.  I want you to be good and I want you to survive."

Alesku stared at his Candidate steadily across the table, not letting her look away.  "I don't care what pleasures you pursue, they're your business.  I care what's beneath, and I care that you think of your life as a whole, and, al Jarn, I truly fear that you are weak.  Emotions, fondness--never mind if I find you endearing.  I want you to listen to reason.  I may or may not like you, it does not matter at all.  I want to respect you.  And at present I do not."  A frown tugged at the lines around his mouth, and some of the hairs from his beard tickled his lip.

"Have a beer; go ahead, it's not important.  And--" He held up a forestalling hand, his face quite calm.  "--please don't answer what I've told you.  It isn't the product of emotional impulse, and I would appreciate your spending some time to consider it.  For now, we can eat."  

Alesku cleared his throat and glanced down at his menu, but the gesture was purely ritual.  He always ordered the same thing, ribs and a baked potato.  He touched the buttons beside his choices lightly.

[Anonymous]

Finaa stared at Alesku, the perky energy leaving her face, replaced with a blank stillness. Alright then. That was how the day was going. It wasn't just a fun day out as a reward, it was still a test. Just like everything else.

"Yes sir. I understand that sir. You are a highly principled man. But they are not mine. I am not you, sir. And I am willing to listen to you sir, and obey your orders. I have been working really hard. But I am not you. And no offense sir, I do not want to be you."

She sat back, no longer interested in the menu. Her kept her expression still, carefully controlled. There was nothing she could do about her thoughts, but she would deal with the things she could handle, "I do think about my life and my actions. I don't micro anilize everything the way you do. I don't work that way."

Looking away, Finaa focused on the far wall, trying to not let her hurt show. She felt like a scolded child, "I didn't realize it was so awful of me to just want to enjoy some time out. I am in a restaurant, away from the ATC. No, I didn't really listen to a lecture on the morality of sports. I would really rather have enjoyed myself."

If felt like every time she started to think she understood Alesku, she found she was wrong. She didn't get him at all. And she always seemed to upset him and make him annoyed with her.

[Anonymous]

Alesku sat quietly, considering her response, his face expressionless.  

Then he sat back in his chair, crossed one ankle carefully over the opposite knee, and turned his attention to the magball game playing out across one of the screens hanging by the bar.  After a moment he looked back at Finaa, not unpleasantly.

[Anonymous]

Finaa sunk a little lower into her seat, cheeks slightly flushed with embarrassment. So much for just a fun day out. She just didn't understand Alesku. Everything felt like a test, nothing could just be. He over thought everything and now Finaa felt childish and stupid.

But she focused on the menu, not really hungry anymore. She didn't really want to go back, it was too nice to be out of those stifling white walls. But the happy bubble was gone. And she didn't like feeling like she had disappointed Alesku. But she hadn't done anything wrong. Guilt and anger never sat well.

Keeping her head down, Finna stayed quite, not wanting to make things worse. And he never seemed to like her pointless chatter anyway.