Surprise visit to a one-eyed monster (Rhi-Rhi)

[Anonymous]

The worst part was the boredom. Nika hated being bored far more then he cared about the bandages wrapped around his face. The bones had been mostly fixed, healed enough to insure they would knit together properly on their own, though the eye still had to be bandaged and checked on. Nika didn't really know what was going on with it, and he didn't really care.

He had studied his reflection a few times, his one pale blue eye staring back at him. He wasn't very pretty anymore, his cheek still puffy and swollen and half his face wrapped in a thick bandage. He hoped he wasn't too disfigured. People liked pretty people better, he could make more mistakes and people were more likely to forgive him. Though, if he was ugly, they might leave him alone.

Sitting in his clean bed, bronzed skin dark against all that crisp whiteness, Nika looked down at the book he had been reading. His fingers traced over the cover, a half shirtless man clutching a woman to his chest, her breasts almost spilling out and both of their long hair was blowing wildly in the wind. Though Nika found it odd it was blowing in opposite directions. He had been reading mostly romance novels recently. Trying to better understand how he was supposed to express his interest in Vaughan.

The boy shifted slightly, sighing. He wanted to paint again. But he didn't think it was allowed here. His fingers itched to hold a brush again. And the romance books just confused him. They seemed to all agree that it was okay to force the person you liked as long as they achieved an orgasm. Which Nika had done. He had been as gentle as he could. But that was still wrong.

THWAP! Nika glared as best he could with one eye where he had hurled the book against the wall. It was all so stupid and frustrating. He didn't understand why he liked Vaughan so much. But he was drawn to him. Because he was happy and cheerful and could talk to everyone. He was a part of it all. He connected and interacted with people. But inside, he was broken too. There was a darkness inside him. Not the same and Nika's, but similar. And Nika was drawn to that. Part of him wanted that, wanted to be apart of it all.

He flopped back against his pillows and stared up at the ceiling. He was so very bored and he didn't want to read more of that stupid book.

[Rhi-Rhi]

The ATC was large, but news traveled fast and when one kid randomly didn't show up to class--people noticed and the questions started flying. You had to be either really, really sick or really, really injured not to show and the latter was far more likely than the former.

Either that or you'd gotten trimmed, but Nika Argen was still a gracie and rape was not a trimming offense.

Rumors flew. Gracies beat up on each other all the time and no one started up rumors over that unless the bully was especially notorious, but whenever a Pilot badly injured a candidate--it got around fast. It was like Roman's infamous sledgehammer incident (and people still wouldn't shut up about it; it made Gabriel cringe every time) only the newest thing was 'Nika Argen got his eye smashed out of his skull.'

Any other candidate, and Gabriel wouldn't have cared. Well...care wasn't the right word. He cared, he didn't like what the candidates had to endure, but that was life and he'd gone through it, too. It would still happen whether he liked it or not and he didn't make it a personal mission to visit injured candidates in the infirmary. He kept his distance because that's what it was all about--distance. This was different, though. It was Nika. He had been staying away from Nika all this time, not wanting to let personal feelings and biases surface and get in the way, but this had him curious.

Curiosity led him into the infirmary and a quick chat with one of the nurses got him Nika's room number. Just outside of the room, Gabriel took a deep breath. This was the kid that had raped Vaughan.

Don't fool yourself, Gabe. You're only interested in him because someone finally did what you wanted to do.

The difference was he hadn't and wouldn't.

When Gabriel opened the door and stepped inside, he had been prepared to encounter another Raley Sade. Instead...

That was no Raley.

The boy laying back in the hospital bed could have been pretty if his face wasn't swollen, bruised, and bandaged, but it was his mind that god Gabriel. It was different. Something was horribly, horribly off about it, something just felt very abnormal. It was unlike any other mind he'd come in contact with. He could hear the boy's thoughts--boredom, frustration, confusion, but something about it felt alien.

As he closed the door behind him and walked in, his foot hit something and he looked down and saw a book, laying open on the floor with the cover facing upwards. A romance novel? Blinking, Gabriel stooped down and picked it up.

Vaughan. That was one of the dominant thoughts he gleaned right off the surface, no digging required, and he didn't have to dig anymore to put two and two together. Romance novel. Thoughts about Vaughan. Vaughan having said Nika said he loved him. The wrongness emanating off him, the way his mind was all...not normal.

This kid wasn't just some sadistic bastard. He was genuinely, one-hundred percent, mentally fucked.

That changed things significantly, and the more Gabriel sifted around in his head, subtly so the kid couldn't feel it, the more his own anger diminished and he found that, for all he'd done, he couldn't really hate him. Hadn't he been diagnosed with...whatever it was he had? Wasn't he being treated? Probably not, and the program turned sane people crazy as it was. It couldn't be good for someone already not all there.

"Uh...hello. Nika, right?" Gabriel said awkwardly, setting the book down by the sink atop a box of latex gloves. Well, shit. What had he come here for, anyway? What had he been planning on doing once he got here? Wasn't in his nature to gloat over someone else's misfortune, fucked up as they were, but he guessed he'd just wanted to see what the kid looked like and hope this incident would teach him something.

This kid seemed as much a victim as Vaughan--and on a clear-cut path toward TRIM.

"So...you, ah...like romance novels, huh?" Dear gods that was lame, even for him, but now he was at a loss for what to say. It had seemed so black and white before. The kid was evil. Just another Raley.

But the reality was just...

Sad.

[Anonymous]

The opening of his door had Nika sitting up, blue eye watching the visitor. His face was a blank mask, devoid of any real emotion. Most people's face held some, even when they were relaxed. Nika's was expressionless, like some carved mask.

There was some blond Pilot in his room. He hoped this one wasn't going to beat him up as well. He didn't want to be totally blind. The lack of depth perception was bad enough. He watched him pick up the book and Nika tilted his head, unsure what was going on.

"...Yes. I believe my name is on the door, if you are still confused. Sir." He didn't really feel like being polite. The other one, Liv, had just hit him anyway. And he still didn't understand why, what the purpose behind that had been. It didn't really matter. He would figure out a way to get his revenge. Nika could be very patient when he needed to be.

The question had Nika more puzzled. Maybe this person was some sort of counselor? Nika had dealt with a few at school, weak willed, soft people who wanted everyone to just be happy and talk about their feelings. Which could be awkward when you didn't feel. Nika quickly controlled his face, trying to make it pleasant, "I love to read."

It was much harder to fake it when people could read your thoughts. The question had Nika thinking about the book. He really only read them to try and understand how people worked. A glimpse into their inner workings, so he could imitate them better. He gave Gabriel his perfect smile, "Can I ask who you are? Or will that get me head bashed into a door?"

[Rhi-Rhi]

Gabriel forced a smile to keep from wincing. "You already asked who I am, didn't you?" A lame attempt at humor in the face of the very serious question the kid followed that up with. He sighed and rubbed at his left temple. "Ah, no, I...don't tend to bash peoples' heads in doors. I'm Gabriel Tierney, Pilot Echo." He paused. "I was Vaughan's mentor."

He picked up the book again and walked closer, extending a psychic thread outward to monitor Nika's inner thoughts. It was easy enough to pick up on his surface thoughts--like most gracies he projected them all over the place. Thoughts about revenge, his opinion of counselors, his desire to understand people even though he lacked the ability to empathize or even feel...it was all there. Thoughts about Liv, who attacked him while he didn't even know why...Gabriel drove a little deeper, sifting around Nika's head carefully so the boy wouldn't feel a thing. Normally he didn't really like doing that without permission--it felt like a violation, because when you were a Pilot your mind was all you had left that was really yours, and even that belonged to the dragons. Even that had been sifted through a million times by Pilots and higher candidates until practically everyone knew everything about you up until the point where you could block them out.

But he wanted to know, to see, the details for himself so he searched out that memory and saw it unfold through Nika's eyes.

Nika really hadn't done anything to provoke that. At all.

Gabriel handed the book to Nika and didn't dig any further. That was all he needed to know, and he didn't want to revisit what had happened to Vaughan. Going off of what he'd already learned about this kid, Vaughan hadn't been lying to protect him. It was the truth.

Gods, Liv had bashed his eye out. Now he knew Nika's side of it, but why had it happened? What was Liv's justification? It wasn't really the...hurting that bothered Gabriel. It did--it bothered him to see a candidate, a kid, abused by a Pilot--but usually there was a lesson attached. Gabriel had been taught that way, too, and the lesson stuck, and he understood the purpose. Sometimes you had to go to extremes to get results--and to save someone's life, even, if they were on the wrong path and nothing else was working. There was no lesson here, not that he could see. Nika sure didn't get it if there was.

Gabriel was quiet for a bit, trying to think of what the hell to say, and he took a seat in a bedside chair. "I'd drop those thoughts of revenge and never, ever bring them up again," he finally said. "I understand if you're angry about what happened, but you have to let it go."

[Anonymous]

"Vaughan's mentor?" Nika actually looked startled, not having expected that. Then he composed his face, watching Gabriel. Was he going to hurt him too? He looked soft, gentle. Nika didn't think that he would have it in him to hurt him much. But the blond made no effort to hurt him.

So Nika just watched and waited, seeing what was going to happen. Nika's mind was a strange, scary place. Mostly because there wasn't much there. Just a cold, empty darkness. He didn't notice as Gabriel slipped into his mind, just watching Gabe as he moved around his room.

He took the book and smiled lightly at the Pilot, "Of course sir." And Nika would never mention those thoughts again. They would stay in his quite, dark place. And he would wait. Nika could wait a very long time. His anger would burn slow and cold.

Tilting his head, Nika kept his pale eyes on the Pilot, "Is there a reason for this visit? As you are Vaughan's mentor, I highly doubt you were worried about my health. Did the redheaded Pilot send you? Or did you send him?"

[Rhi-Rhi]

"What? No! He didn't send me, I didn't send him, I..." Gabriel paused. Why had he come? Curiosity? Concern? It wasn't really either of those and now that he was here he didn't really know what to say or do. He gave an awkward shrug. "I dunno. I guess I just wanted to see if the rumors were true. Anyway, I'm not Vaughan's mentor anymore and I didn't come to hurt you. I just..."

This was awkward and Gabriel couldn't find a way to explain it or make this visit sound any less weird. He leaned forward a little, elbows on his knees. And I guess I was hoping it wasn't true, that he hadn't done what I'd heard he'd done...

Gabriel couldn't say that out loud, though, and Nika didn't need to know that. It was the truth, but there was something to be said about solidarity among Pilots. Nika didn't need to know that Gabriel thought what Liv had done was wrong; Pilots needed to remain a unified front and stuff like that just sent all the wrong messages to candidates: mixed messages, messages that Pilots might not always know what they were doing or be as controlled as they were supposed to be. You didn't badmouth Pilots in front of candidates.

So he kept his opinion to himself.

"I guess I just wanted to see you for myself," he finally admitted, looking at Nika. "You're not who I expected you to be--and that's a good thing."

[Anonymous]

Nika untensed at Gabriel's words. The blond seemed honest at least about not going to hurt him. Which was fine by Nika. And he found him interesting, at least a little bit. He was a bit like Vaughan, so friendly and nice.

The boy watched Gabriel, hardly blinking. He had a habit of staring intently at people, studying their every move and not caring if they noticed, "What rumors? That I raped Vaughan. You could have just asked him." He smiled then, though it was a creepy smile, not reaching his eyes, "Or did you want to see if I was a monster? The demon that would hurt your precious candidate...former candidate."

Nika's eye lowered then, staring down at his legs, "I am one you know. I am dark inside." He didn't know why he was telling Gabriel this. But right then, Nika felt...lonely. He wanted to be able to connect with someone, to not be cold and dead inside. His hands curled into fists, "I am not human. I can't even figure out what to do....I didn't..."

Trailing off, Nika took a deep breath, trying to steady himself, "I don't know how to be anything but a monster."

[Rhi-Rhi]

That stunned Gabriel.

All those moments picturing Nika as some monster like Raley? Gone. Nika was a fucked up kid, that was for certain, and there was no excuse for what he'd done--but even while Nika called himself a monster, Gabriel found himself disagreeing. Raley was a monster; he knew damned well what he was doing and liked it. Nika? There was something very human, and very depressing and desperate in his words and in his mind.

This was a kid that knew what he was, knew he was messed up, and didn't want to be and didn't know how not to be.

Letting out a sigh, Gabriel rubbed at his temples. Here he'd been so gung-ho on viewing the kid as a villain, but... "No, I think you're more human than you know," he muttered, then shook his head. It was so, so easy dealing with blacks and whites. Why did this have to be such a big, gray area? Now all he could do was feel sorry for him.

This kid needed help, badly.

"Nika...what about your mentors?" he finally said, looking back up. "I know you had one before and lost her. What'd she do for you? Who's your mentor now, or do you even have one?" If he didn't, he needed one if he was going to get through this, and maybe therapy.

[Anonymous]

Human. Something Nika both wanted to avoid and wanted to become with all his soul. He picked at the blanket on the bed, unsure what to think about that. Did he want that to be true?

He lifted his head at Gabriel's next question, again watching Gabriel with that intense blue stare, "Mentor? Oh, um, well, Latona," Nika's expression soured at the mention of her name, "I didn't like her. She threw me off a ledge and tried to lobotomize me." Nika frowned, reaching up to touch his eyepatch. Maybe this was punishment for biting her wing, "I think Rose something is my mentor. Rosales?"

[Rhi-Rhi]

"...Lobotomize you...?" Okay, so he'd seen the blog entry where Latona had been gloating over dropping him off a ledge, but the lobotomizing? That was new. And as Nika went on, Gabriel's horror grew and he gave a jerk of surprise.

"What? Rosales? Roman Rosales?" he asked, lips forming a thin line. Well, duh. That was the only other Rosales he knew of here, aside from Temple, and Temple was...yeah, never mind. So of course it was Roman, and Roman... "You haven't even met him yet? Seriously?" From the sounds of it, and from a quick peek into that scary head of his, it was true.

Great. So Roman was mentoring a messed up, dangerous kid he hadn't even met with yet--a kid who'd apparently been tortured by a mentor who didn't know what the hell she was doing, face-smashed by a psycho, and who probably needed his help more than a lot of the others, for his sake (since he was headed for TRIM if he kept on this trajectory) and the sake of the candidates around him.

Wonderful!

"Fuckin' bullshit. That's changing fast." Heaving an exasperated sigh, Gabriel rose stiffly to his feet and stalked out of the room.

[Anonymous]

"Yes." Nika's one good eye narrowed, glaring at the edge of his bed. His lip curled back slightly, body stiff with anger, "I don't care if I end up in TRIM, but I wont let that happen." Nika would rather have the rest of his probably short life being experimented on then get a lobotomy. The idea of one frightened the boy in a way few things.

"Well, I sort of met him for a moment when I first arrived. But we didn't really speak, so no. I haven't met him." Roman, that sounded right. Nika was a little startled when Gabe suddenly stood up and left, without even saying goodbye. He blinked, staring at the door the blond Pilot had just left. That had been interesting.

He settled back against the sheets with a sigh, his one eye fixed on the ceiling.

[Tally]

He doesn't care. It was all Roman needed to know. He waited just around the corner, arms crossed, head down, following the thoughts inside the room.  Or Nika's at least.  Pilots didn't listen in on the thoughts of other Pilots, and he was much more interested in Nika's perspective.

But if Nika didn't care then they would not be wasting their resources trying to train him. Hate they could work with. Hate was passionate and useful, and could be given direction.  Even candidates like Blaine Clé, who came to them despising the system, could turn that anger into something productive.  But apathy?  Apathy was dead weight.  A candidate who didn't care was a candidate who gave them nothing.

He heard the faint whoosh of the door sliding open, then Gabriel's footsteps receding in the other direction.  Good.  He didn't need to hear Gabriel's opinion this time.  He was here to find out one thing: whether Nika truly didn't give a fuck if he passed the training or was just telling himself that.

If the former, Roman would see him in the hands of TRIM personnel the day his grace period was up. That, coupled with his severe brain disability, delusions, and continued insubordination outweighed any positive qualities he showed as a candidate.  Nika didn't just have one dealbreaker, but several.

If, on the other hand, there was some buried desire in him that wanted to succeed, he may get a second chance.  Roman was here to see if that desire existed.

Upon entering, he said, "Did you and Pilot Tierney have an illuminating conversation?"

[Anonymous]

When the door slid open again, Nika glanced over to see who it was. He knew it wasn't Gabriel, the blood was all wrong. He blinked at the sight of Roman, watching him with a somewhat blank expression, memorizing the feel of his mentors blood.

"Yes, sir. Somewhat I suppose." He wasn't really sure what the point of Gabriel's visit had been, but Nika had liked being able to talk to someone about what was going on. And Gabriel seemed to have listened, without just telling him to change.

Gabriel had said he was human, or at least more human than he had realized. Nika held onto that thought, mulling it over and trying to figure out how he felt about that statement. And he just watched Roman, waiting to see what would happen next. Liv had gotten angry when he had tried to speak and Roman was know for breaking legs with sledgehammers, so Nika stayed silent.

[Tally]

Roman didn't bother sitting.  He leaned back against the counter top and folded his arms, thoughtful.  He'd seen sociopaths make some of the best Pilots he'd ever known.  He'd also seen them fall faster than others.  He had a significant responsibility to Nika to disabuse him of his delusions.  That, he thought, should be the first step in bringing Nika to be functional.

"You have a significant disability, Candidate Argan.  I'm curious as to your perception of that disability."

[Anonymous]

"Yes. I have...I don't understand people very well." Nika watched Roman with his normal, uncomfortable and rather intense stare. His expression didn't change either, carefully picking his words, "I don't always understand how to interact with them and that makes it hard for me to lead them or be a part of a team."

A small pause, then Nika continued, "This sets me farther back than the other candidates. But I am not unaware of this and I am trying to learn to understand people better."

[Tally]

"Both of those being things required of a Pilot.  And both are required to pass this program."  Roman hadn't been shy about listening in on Nika's thoughts before, and he wasn't going to be now.  Candidates had no privacy, even in their own heads.  They couldn't afford it, if they wanted to get through this successfully.

"You also have delusions of being a monster and being inhuman.  Your perception of reality is skewed. Those will be your more difficult hurdles to overcome.  And if your intentions of revenge against Pilot Sulo are not dismissed by the time your grace period is over, we will have to excuse you from this program."

He left it at that, leading in to the subject of TRiM so he could assess Nika's thoughts on it, on passing the training, on whether he truly didn't care or not.  He was an observer right now, bringing Nika to all the critical points and evaluating his response to them.

[Anonymous]

Nika's mind was...weird. It wasn't like reading a normal humans mind, his was just wired differently. And it was eerily quite and dark. Most of the chatter and feelings that filled a normal brain were absent in Nika's. There was a little, but mostly it was muted and...just not the same.

Nika nodded as Roman spoke, "Yes, I am aware sir. I am trying to...understand better. I do want to be able to be in a group. I...the rules have all changed and I never really understood the old rules. I will get better."

He blinked his one good eye at Roman at the mention of delusions. He hadn't been expecting that, "But I am, sir. You know what I did. What I am. I am not like anyone else here, I lack the things that make them human. Unless you mean my species. Then, yes. I am human. Both my parents were full blooded humans."

The mention of Sulo just got a shrug. He hated Liv, and probably always would, but revenge wasn't something he lingered on. "I will not do anything that will cause me to be excused. I want to be a Pilot."

That, at least, was true. Nika wanted to be a Pilot, as much as he wanted anything. He was going to pass, no matter what that took.

[Tally]

"I'm more concerned that you don't seem to understand what you did.  That, among other things, will be worked out in your sessions with the counselors."

Roman pulled out a datapad and made some notes as well as checked out Nika's adjusted schedule.  "You'll require a specialized regimen from now until the end of your time here."  He was purposefully nonspecific as to when that might be.  "We've made the changes to your schedule already.  You can review it when I leave.  The drills remain largely unchanged, but medical and psych sessions have been added."

He raised his eyes to meet Nika's. "Earlier you expressed that you didn't care if you ended up in TRiM, Candidate Argan.  Now you say you want to be a Pilot. Which is it?  Do you care or don't you?"

Ambivalence was not a death sentence.  It was common among candidates. He was more interested in what degree of self-clarity Nika possessed.

[Anonymous]

"Yes sir." Nika really didn't care what they did with his schedule, he would go along with it. Actually, he really enjoyed the schedule, the order and function of it. It would be irritating relearning his routine, but not so bad.

The next question puzzled Nika, and he frowned, confused, "Respectfully sir, no I didn't. I don't want to end up in TRIM. At all. But Pilot Latona had told me I had to be lobotomized to become a Pilot." Nika's hands curled into fists around the bed sheet, "I wont do that Sir. I wont. I'll be TRIMed before I let that happen."

[Tally]

"We've no use for a lobotomized Pilot.  TRiM will be the ones cutting into your brain if it comes to that.  Everything we could learn about the brain by altering and opening it, we already have.  It would be of benefit to them, not us."

We have a long way to go, he thought.  Yet he was hopeful.  Nika had given him reason to be optimistic about his chances.  No candidate was a sure thing.  You got used to disappointment and Roman rarely allowed himself to hope for an outcome that was uncertain.  Damn, though.  He hoped this kid made it.