"Don't make it personal... don't make it personal..."
A mantra repeated within her own mind as Havanah's leg shook in the chair. She had been down this road before, dealt with this panic in her chest before... but, this time it ran so much deeper. It wasn't watching horrific image after image of one of her closest friends being dangled in front of her this time. No, this time she was watching them drop like flies. Com's disconnected, Pilots not making it back to their rooms. All she had to go on was the pilot chat, not even able to access the most basic of information otherwise.
Even worse one of those pilots, a pilot who's com signal disappeared in the blink of an eye, had the same blood coursing through their veins as the woman shaking in her chair. She wasn't supposed to make it personal, but it's impossible when your family is involved. She didn't want to be angry, didn't want to lash out, but yet today she couldn't contain it anymore. Up until now, she thought she had been handling it the best she could, keeping her temper under control while waiting for some kind of news. Even after Lilo never checked back into their room, even after days of Aspen and Heather disconnect there was still silence. But then Sashi... poor Sashi. Something was happening to these pilots and Havanah was helpless.
Even if she were home in Haviah she couldn't help, knowing not even to ask because of her personal attachment to it and track record. Not to mention she had a job here in Adstreia, another missing pilot that had family waiting for his return. Everyone was already stretched so thin, she already had a case, she couldn't mess up again. She tried to focus on the stack of papers in front of her, information that needed to be filtered, categorized and logged. With her best effort, she mulled through them, random droplets staining the papers from time to time as she pressed on until she couldn't.
"Why did it have to be Aspen?" Havanah gripped her Com tight, her knuckles twitching from the pure pressure she hadn't realized she was exerting.
"Why Aspen?" This time out loud, a tear escaping clutched lids as she sank her head into her hands, knee still shaking.
She was supposed to protect her, guide her into the strong independent woman she always knew she could be. Her little sister, the child that was never given a chance until she came along. Havanah had always thought she was helping her, setting her on the right path, giving Aspen the freedom she never knew she deserved. But now all Havanah could think about was how Aspen wouldn't be missing if she were never a pilot. If she had never turned her in, never pushed her into the ATC... she wouldn't be gone.
The tears kept coming, flooding out as Havanah continued sinking into herself. Fingers forced into cream-colored locks as she began to fall apart at the seams.
"Stupid, Stupid, Stupid", sobs as Havanah finally let go, opening her mouth to scream with no success. If only it could be her instead, the one missing. Havanah had already lived a great life. She had made wonderful friends and already found a love that people dreamt of. Aspen never even had a real chance, and just when she did it was taken from her. She didn't even know if Aspen would ever get the chance again. For all Havanah knew Aspen had breathed her last breath days ago and she was just holding onto lost hope.
The very thought was sobering as Havanah struggled to catch her breath. Aspen couldn't be dead, she was still alive out there somewhere... she had to be. Sitting back up in her chair Havanah finally caught her breath, hands still shaky as her body recovered from the fit she had just put it through.
Pen met paper as she went back to work, sorting through the information in front of her with shaky hands. Someone was missing Grisham just as much as she was missing Aspen. She wasn't going to let them down, just as she hoped Soba wouldn't her. She had to give this her best, Grisham deserved at least that.
