Doubt (open)

[Anonymous]

Eyrie 314, dawn.  Cold pink light blew over the landing pads.  The skin on Alesku's temples tightened, loosened, and settled into a many-layered headache.  Sometimes it was impossible to believe in the straightforward conclusions of the human brain.  That was how his brother felt.  Or it could be.  It was a reasonless faith Alesku had in reason.  It was a reasonless faith he had in self.  

He'd volunteered for the Axis Point shift after his brother was taken into TRIM custody.  Axis Point interrogation always made him feel this way--weak, fragmented.  It wasn't just that it pried into all of his deepest secrets.  He had no secrets.  No factual secrets.  It was the way it overturned all the dank rocks of self-doubt and doubt in general, chaos, confusion, and uncertainty.  He felt very small against the wide sweep of the Eyries, walking amongst the perched Dragons.  He nodded to them in passing and felt the damp clamminess of their minds.  It hung like dew in the air, half-familiar but terribly cold.  Why was Calliope different?  Only because she was connected to him.  

Anyway, it didn't matter.  He knew there were things he didn't know, couldn't know, never would know.  Calliope could help.  She always did.  

He was almost blinded when he approached, as usual--her plastic exterior was largely translucent, prismatic against the sun.  Her wings were raised toward the sky, soaking in solar energy.  She didn't need it, but it was, she told him, the equivalent of a cup of coffee in the morning.  He liked the extra jolt of electricity.  It was easier to connect.    

Alesku came up to the joint of her foreleg, where it met her body.  Calliope was more metal and plastic than flesh, but the plastic was formed into flexibly continuous scales, smooth to touch.  He could connect from anywhere within a twenty-foot radius, but he liked to connect from inside the seat she kept for him in the hollow chamber in her back.  

"Good morning."

They had developed a mental shorthand that was only half-articulated.  Alesku responded with his sensation of unease.

"You never will be able to sort everything out," she said, looking down at him.  Her eyes were both organic, striking against their clear plastic casement.  He could see through to the copper optic 'nerve' and the red-tinged white of the eye.  Her eyes were beautiful and strange because they belonged to him in some way.  He felt as though he could pluck them out and take them with him.  There was something violent about the thought, but also something tender, perhaps because of the violence, or perhaps because of the compulsion.

"I don't want to connect today," he said, leaning against her side.  He sent an electrical pulse through her skin; not to connect to the Network, merely to connect.  "Absorption has begun to bother me.  It doesn't surprise me that the Gospels manage to manipulate us.  It doesn't surprise me that--"  He tried to convey some of the sense of being lost in a conceptual field of someone else's making.  It wasn't only not knowing what was true.  It was that the ideas of true, false, right, and wrong, all jumbled themselves; and it wasn't only language, it was thought, it was being.  

"It disturbs you that the readings on your brother are inconclusive."

Pause.

"Or that you think they may be conclusive, but you aren't being told."

"No," Alesku said.  "No, it disturbs me that I can't interrogate him myself."

"It isn't your fault."  

"Maybe not, but it is my responsibility.  The Gospels.  If only I knew why.  Because he's jealous... because he wanted to break out... the illusion of freedom.  Evil.  It's evil, but... then I am afraid I do know and understand."

"You don't understand, and you should not.  Why try to understand what is wrong?"

Alesku nodded and shut his eyes.  They performed the silent, careful movements of mental seduction.  He probably would connect to the Network this morning, while warmth kindled in the air.  He probably would look into the void and say what he always said: that he didn't have time for it, and that sadness and despair were human mistakes.  He slid one arm around Calliope's leg and pressed his face to her side and--

--jolted back.  Someone had just stepped off the elevator at the Eyrie entrance, and stopped dead.  Doubtless looking at him.  His psychic shields were still intact, but the physical was just as damning; he was sure his face had gone bloodless, and he knew his mouth was hanging open.  Alesku never let himself look this discomposed--nearly teary, and how he had begun to respond to Calliope--except in carefully confined areas, and this was not proper.  Shameful.  

He looked up.  "I apologize," he began.

[Anonymous]

Remi brought a hand up to cover his mouth, and hissed when he put pressure on a particulariy deep wound on his finger. Didn’t look like a wound, in fact it looked like a simple red dot. He ignored the sharp pain and continued to yawn anyway. Khuno had called for him. Khuno never called for him, so Remi headed towards the dragons lair with no questions asked. The bloned half fae yawned again and this time swore at his hands.

Looking down at them he sighed and rubbed his thumb against his finger tips. There was a bandaid around his ring fingers and pinkies, dots of blood had seeped through. Last time he’d ever attempt to sew anything. At least Present didn’t look bad. Remi subconciously puffed out his chest and looked around, the elevator was all finished, and Remi wished that there was such a thing as brain bleach.

Alesku.

Calliope.

He could feel it more than he could see it and it felt like he’d walked in on a couple making out. Only it was a giant leg and... Alesku was hugging it, or at least pressed up against it suggestively. It was sympathy before it was ‘ eww, dragonbeastiality.’ In fact, the thought hadn’t crossed his mind, yet.  Remi was too busy thinking about how depressed Alesku must be to come all the way down to give his dragons leg a hug. Didn’t occure to him that Alesku was probably close to dry humping her.

Oh, Alesku had said something.

“ Ah... No, it’s okay. I should have...” Remi looked around before finishing lamely, “ Uh... Knocked.” Okay, Remi! Time to shine! Turning over a new leaf!

Nevermind, Remi, it’s not important.

It was a medium rumbling voice and Remi looked around to spot Khunos head across from Calliope. What a bastard. Khuno was scary looking, four horns, a fanged like beak that hooked into flesh and didn’t let go until the body went one way and the flesh another. Huge wings, talons, and mechanical back half. Khuno was a grumpy bastard.

Turning over a new leaf now. In his pocket, his thumb played with the pair of rings on his hand, wedding rings. “ Alesku? Do you need to... Talk to someone? Or something? Um... If you’re not, uh...” Remi looked at Calliope’s leg and chewed on his lower lip for a moment, “ Busy...”  

New leaf. This was a new leaf. Now that Khuno didn’t need him anymore, Remi was more than happy to turn around and go back to work, but alas, this was a new leaf and Alesku and his Almost Dry Humping Calliope got to deal with it.

[Anonymous]

"Yes," he said, stepping away from the Dragon.  A quick, careful electrical stimulus to the thalamus skewed his dopamine activity; he calmed down.   He had no reason to feel shame.  There was never any reason to feel shame.  (Those statements were not logically equivalent, but he set that aside).  Calliope, in turn, trained her unblinking gaze on Remi.  Their movements synchronized themselves, his bodily readjustments echoing the undulation of her long, flexible neck.

Calliope registered the movement of Remi's hand behind his back.  Wedding rings.  It was either an instinctive tic or a nervous one.  He'd been investigated, of course, but it was impossible to be sure in any case.  His terminal had come out clean in all scans, but that proved nothing.  He couldn't figure out how Calliope's algorithms kept missing the pattern that should show up on suspicious terminals.  

If Neelam's innovation were real, they could use it.  Alesku supposed it wouldn't be very efficient if its effective period lasted a month, but if Neelam were able to innovate... then again, it might still be a hoax.  The interrogation transcripts were another matter.  Alesku knew how his brother behaved when guilty, and he'd noticed all the hallmarks. Neelam became ultra-rational and spoke more smoothly than usual, because lies were easier than truth.  In Talbotte's case, of course, they weren't.  Supposedly.  Alesku retained a healthy skepticism about all such mythologies, even though Remi was one of few Pilots he respected.  Trust?  He kept that neatly separate.

"I'm always busy."  Alesku tried a small, rueful smile, and scratched at his beard.  "I've got a lot on my mind lately.  Seeker business, it's enough to make anyone paranoid.  I don't see you here often, do you have something to take care of, or just...?"

Calliope's disapproval played a bass counterpoint to his glance at Khuno.  The two Dragons had never gotten along, even if any conflict between Dragons played out on a strange, mutable plane beyond Alesku's comprehension.  He could see why, intuitively--Khuno was brutal.  Neither Alesku nor Calliope thought brutality productive.  Calliope already had data on Talbotte's Network connections.  Maybe he'd look more closely later.  Why was he here, and why now?  Even the most Network-addicted Pilots didn't usually visit the Eyrie before sunrise.

[Anonymous]

Remi had grown used to being a possible gospel suspect after his wife died. It was only a sliver of reason as to why he didn’t do much at all. One part obvious depression, another part his distaste for people entirely. He kept his head down for a moment before he moved his weight from foot to foot in a swaying dance.

Pink eyes moved towards Alesk and he paused before flicking his eyes towards Khuno again who lowered his head and gave a slow unnerving dragonie grin. “ Khuno said he needed something, I was awake anyway.” Remi smiled slightly and held out his hands, the fingers red and irritated, a few bandaids at his fingertips. Not about to say just what he was doing, he let his hands drop down to his sides again before he licked his lips and pressed his hands in his pockets.

“I think Khuno was feeling pissy and wanted me to ... barge in.” Another glance to his dragon and Remi licked at his lips before looking around awkwardly. What the hell now? Sorry I saw you making out with your dragon? Sorry my dragon is an asshole who wanted to embarrass you?

People skills were needed in a case like this.

Remi was not one of those people who had them.

"Would you like me to leave, Pilot Royal Macario?"

[Anonymous]

Alesku squinted into the sunrise, waiting for his nervous system to catch up with itself.  He had to admit he was embarrassed, but he wouldn't let it push him to dishonesty.  Anyone who cared to ask him would get a straight answer.  He'd thought long and hard about the matter five years ago, when he'd begun to realize his feelings.  They had agreed that human feelings were strange and difficult to control, and he had read theories of pseudocosmogenic ecstasy and so on.  The theory had left him both baffled and accepting.  Most people, he had come to accept, fell in love with totalities.  Calliope was a kind of totality.  And if he didn't and couldn't understand her fully... well, very few people could claim that, anyway.

This morning, Calliope informed him, using the space of his blanked attention, as she often did, for more productive ends, he'd have to review the information one of the base stations had recovered from a Serunan trade ship.  Alesku liked stripping records.  Right.  Moving on.  He felt better.

He cleared his throat.  "No, no, Remi, it's fine.  I don't want to avoid anything, you just... it was a private moment.  It's not something many people understand or respect, I'm sure."

 Alesku made himself smile with one side of his mouth, and found, as usual, that the expression came to feel more comfortable after he had forced it.  He wondered why Khuno had decided to get Remi up here.  There was always some reason beyond the obvious, with the Dragons.  He sent a query to Calliope, but she replied noncommittally.  It was probably for the best.  He didn't like secrets.  Carefully, he kept himself from looking too hard at Remi's mind.  He didn't like to do that when he had... mixed motives.  

He stepped away from Calliope and Khuno (of course privacy was at best nominal). "I really don't mind hearing an--an honest opinion.  I've just always thought of private things as private."

[Anonymous]

Private moment.

Pressed a closed hand to his mouth Remi cleared his throat quietly before turning towards the sunrise, Remi’s hair was pulled back into a loose pony at the back of his head, a little tuff of yellow hair poking out. The fae had always figured his odd ears - He’d sawed off the points while he was a candidate - drew too much attention in his day to day dealings. It was the ass-crack of dawn though, so he hadn’t bothered letting his hair down.

Hm. How to deal with this. Remi knew all about private moments, how rare those were here. He made an attempt to smile, the scar on his left cheek left his smile slightly lopsided. “I know that story. When Izya was still alive a private moment was rare, I was with Alaric a lot of the time almost right after we got married and she was... Doing other things.” Remi lifted his hands and ran his thumb over the gold wedding bands on his right hand, looking at the one on his pinky for a long moment before he put it back into his pocket.

Other things.

Gospel things.

Probably not a good subject to mention around a Seeker. Oh, yeah, my wife was a gospel, we never had private time because she was betraying everyone late at night.

Slowly, Remi looked over his shoulder, Khuno had wandered away, his colourful tail waving back and forth as he stalked off, his work done with for the morning. An honest opinion. Remi turned his pink gaze to Calliope and Remi moved a hand to gently give Alesku a pat on the shoulder before giving a half smile and putting his hand into his pocket. “Don’t let her break your heart, those take a surprisingly long time to heal.”

Looking at his shoes for a moment, Remi remembered something of interested. “Oh, hey. You work with Alaric right?” He’s been avoiding me, I’m going to ask how he’s doing in a round-about way to make sure he’s not zoning out and acting funny because of really mean things I said! “How’s he been doing with his work?” Quickly Remi licked his lips before moving a palm over the scars that crossed on his cheek, “I was his mentor and I don’t work with him, and I’ve been... Busy... Lately so I haven’t had a chance to ask him myself.”

This was why Remi didn’t have conversations. He didn’t know how to get them going. It was dawn, who wanted to have conversations at dawn? Well, people besides Remi.

[Anonymous]

Alesku was glad of Remi's relative tact.  Well, less tact when he talked about broken hearts; Calliope could hear them.  She snorted in Alesku's mind, and he sent back a mental shake of the head.  Not every Dragon remained for so long or so often in contact with her Pilot.  Alesku could think of only one other--Nomenere, Bryn's Dragon, but of course those were special circumstances.  He knew Calliope's view: if all of the Dragons had the patience to build a constant, watchful, close relationship with their Pilots, treason wouldn't be an option.  Of course they couldn't, it wouldn't work, wasn't an ideal world, ah well.  

Alaric, Alaric... how exactly had Remi gotten to the topic of Alaric from Calliope...?  He'd probably tried to change the subject.  Nice of him.  

"He works with me on some of the programs."  He gave a quick, purposeful smile, to assure Remi his former Candidate did just fine.  "We're going to start work on the Candidates' war game programming tomorrow.  He did well last time, you--"

"Alesku, I don't think that's what he's asking."

"What--oh?"  

"Never mind."  Her mental voice still sounded a little sleepy, and he caught a glimpse, out of the corner of his eye, of Calliope stretching her neck, then settling her head back beneath one wing.  "Ah.  You might want to talk to this one, Alesku... I'm going to catch a nap..."

"And I'm sorry about your wife."  Alesku made a helpless gesture.  "It must've been hard.  Here, do you want a cup of tea?  I'm just going down to get something, unless you--"  He looked after the retreating Khuno and shook his head.