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Author Topic: The Diary of Aspen Brookes  (Read 459 times)

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The Diary of Aspen Brookes
« on: August 28, 2017, 05:06:10 pm »
(OOC: Posting as I go. Too much to throw in one big thing. Enjoy the inner thoughts of Aspen!)





Dear Whateveryouare,
   Do you ever wonder if you were meant for more? I feel like no one can see me sometimes. I feel like whatever I do it doesn't make a difference because I am just a tiny speck in this huge world. People walk past me like I'm not even here. My parent's treat me like I'm not even here. Well unless they want me to go play at the park or something for credits. I know that my sister wishes I weren't even here. If it wasn't for me my dad would probably still be with her mom and they would be one happy family.

   Apparently that is what I do. I just ruin everything. Mom tells me that I'm the reason she does what she does. I took her freedom and made her into a parent. I stress her out and send her on these drawn out party days and nights she and dad have. Sometimes I wonder why I am even here. Sometimes I wish I could just dissapear. When dad looks at me sometimes I wish I really could. I know he blames me for what his life is now. If I were never born... everything would be better.

         -Aspen Brookes

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Dear Whateveryouare,
   It's another bad day. Havanah came over for dinner and a big fight rang out. I didn't stick around long enough to listen to it all but I did get the gist of it. They were fighting over me... I was the problem again. I'm always the problem. I'm at the park again, I wish I hadn't forgotten my jacket at home because it's cold. I guess I deserve to be cold, my own form of personal punishment for ruining another family dinner.

   I did my best to stay quiet. I didn't even look at any of them while they were all eating this time. I may as well have not even been there. It didn't matter... they still ended up fighting. I don't even know if I should go back home tonight. I have slept on the slide more times than I can count... at least it's kind of quiet here.

       I just wish I could see the stars.

         -Aspen Brookes

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Dear Whateveryouare,
   I made a friend. Her name is Jonie and she lives in the building next to ours. She seems nice. The last few days I have actually had fun. We go to the park a lot and pretend that we are superstars. We pretend that one day we are going to get out of this shithole and make something of ourselves. Jonie shows me that maybe life isn't as horrible as I thought it was.

   My parent's told me Jonie isn't allowed over but that's okay. Jonie's mom seems nice, she even gave me some old clothes because mine had too many holes. I have a nice jacket now, one that actually keeps me warm when we go to the park. It's funny how something so simple as a park can be possibly the best thing I have to hold onto right now. It's where we get away... it's where we make something of ourselves.

         -Aspen Brookes


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Dear Whateveryouare,
   Sometimes on nights like tonight I think that writing in you is the only thing that keeps me sane. Thanks for always listening.

         -Aspen Brookes

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Dear Whateveryouare,
   I'm alone again. Jonie's family moved away a few months ago and I haven't heard from her since. We were supposed to keep in touch. What if she forgot about me? What if I was just another small blip on her radar and now that she is gone I am no longer important? That's what mom told me anyway. She said I am probably the reason Jonie and her family moved away. She said that I am so unbearable that she wishes that her and dad could just move away and leave me behind.
   I wish they would.

         -Aspen Brookes.


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Dear Whateveryouare,
   I went to the railstation today. I watched as hundreds of people got on or off going on with their everyday lives. Most of them seemed happy. I think I even saw a few pilots. It must be nice to be so important. I don't know how long I sat on that bench but it must have been for a while because it was dark before I finally snapped out of it. It's like I got so wrapped up in being like everyone else that I lost all concept of time. Of course no one saw me... no one ever sees me.
   I know it sounds weird but sometimes I think I really am invisble. People walk into me like I'm just nothing but a thing that got into their way. Am I really that awful that even people who don't even know me would rather pretend like I'm not even there?

         -Aspen Brookes



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DearWhateveryouare,
   I found out today what happened to Jonie. Turns out all those months ago they moved away there was an accident. The railcar they took malfunctioned and everyone on it died. No one bothered to tell me... I only found out because the super at their old apartment complex told me. I went over and asked if maybe they had sent something and couldn't rememeber my adress so they sent it to him instead. He told me that he told my parents the day after it happened... mom told me they left because of me.
   I want to cry. Part of me wishes I was on the railcar with them. Then it would all be over. I wouldn't be in anyones way anymore.

      -Aspen Brookes


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DearWhateveryouare,
   It's my birthday today. I'm 15. Havanah is supposed to be over later with Pizza. She brings me Pizza every year for my birthday. I actually really like Pizza. It makes me think that maybe everything could be normal some day. I know it sounds funny and makes me seem more weird than I already am but I don't care.

               -Aspen Brookes

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Dear Whateveryouare,
   This is the last time I will be writing to you. Dinner last night didn't go as planned. Havanah came over and found me in my room. It got bad. Turns out my birthday is so horrible my parent's decided to overdo it. Dad locked me in my room because I was allegedly feeding the government information on them. I know it makes no sense... but apparently I drive my parent's to beleive the craziest of things. Yeah... mom says I told them that.
   Anyways Havanah came in the middle of all of it and took me away. I got screened and turns out I am an illumino like her. All this time I thought people just couldn't see me because they didn't want to. Actually I make myself that way. I never knew it until now. I didn't mean to be such a problem. I can see now that Havanah is tired. I make her tired. But anyways I am being drafted into the Candidate Program.

         -Aspen



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Dear Whateveryouareimpos ter,
   It's been a while.

So I lost the first one of you, don't know where you went but I hope it was in an incinerator somewhere. So let me introduce myself. I am Pilot Candidate Aspen Brookes. Fun facts about me... I suck at the subject that is people. I also have panic attacks and feel like I'm dying. All of this is unimportant in the eyes of my nation, Aedolis. To Aedolis I am Stage 3 Pilot Candidate Aspen Brookes, Illuminokinetic.

One day I will serve my nation alongside a dragon. I'm special... I'm supposed to help and make a difference, or so they keep telling me. I've come a long way since I last wrote to you. The ATC is like my solace now. The walls keep me safe from my parent's and their lives. They still come and see me, but it's only to get credits for whatever they can get their hands on.

I'm trying to be more positive. In here I have learned that I have a purpose, which is something I didnt have before. It's hard, I won't lie, but I am managing. People still scare me but at least I know that I can kind of protect myself. I have been a Stage 3 for a few months now and realize that I actually have to try and talk to people at some point. There is this thing called the Candidate Blog that a lot of the other Candidates talk in, I may start there. I guess we will just see how it goes.

            -Aspen



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Dear Whateveryouareimpos ter,
   We had a pizza party and I am now known as the girl that is obsessed with pizza. I can live with this...    
   Anyways there was this guy. His name is Vaughan and he wrote me a pizza song. When he sang it I thought I was going to die. Everyone was looking at me and he kissed me on the cheek. Talk about having a panic attack times fifty! I literally thought I was going to pass out at the very least. Aside from that I never got the chance to tell him how much it meant to me. Someone actually took the time to write something.... about me. No one has ever done that before.
            -Aspen


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Dear Whateveryouareimpos ter,
   I never thought I would say this again but I officially have a friend... two friends actually. I got locked out of my room the other night and both of them came to my rescue. They sat with me in the hallway until morning, despite the consequences of breaking curfew. We spent last night in a Sensory Deprivation Tank. Normally the thought of that would horrify me but... I'm glad they were both there.
   I learned so much about both of them that I don't feel so alone anymore. Turns out I'm not the only one with a shit life.

            -Aspen


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Dear Whateveryouareimpos ter,
   
   Soleas and Viktor continue to prove to me that people are not as aweful as I thought. Soleas is the easiest to talk to... he practically demands it. Sometimes I wonder if he is reading my mind. He asks if I'm okay and if I'm lying he just knows. Soleas continues to prove time and time again that no matter what he is going to be there. Yet another thing I have never had in my life before. I wonder if he knows how much it actually means to me to have him as a friend. 
   Sometimes even when the nightmares come... he just comes to my room and lays in bed with me. We don't talk... we just sleep. Yet somehow knowing that someone is there next to me if I need them seems to keep the nightmares at bay.

         -Aspen


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Dear Whateveryouareimpos ter,

   Today we had a race and I won. Viktor Soleas and I have become a trio of sorts. The two of them are what keeps reminding me that people are not as bad as I had always beleived. The best part was that because I won the race Viktor had to kiss Soleas. After that I left the track, too many people that were too excited. I'm getting better, but not quite there yet to deal with that kind of chaos.

         -Aspen


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Dear Whateveryouareimpos ter,
   
   My parent's showed up unannounced today. Soleas was with me when I found out and came to meet them. I was embarassed but at least he was there. Soleas is always there when I need him.

         -Aspen


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Dear Whateveryouareimpos ter,

   We had another race today. Matt and I ran together and of course... I beat him. Matt has become a really good friend. His dad brought him a cake a while back and he gave it to us. I still have the My Little Donkey figurines on my desk. They were the first gift ever to be given to me just because. I will treasure them always.

         Matt also kissed Vanessa because he lost... for once I caused something I didn't regret.

         -Aspen

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Re: The Diary of Aspen Brookes
« Reply #1 on: August 28, 2017, 05:38:28 pm »
Dear Whateveryouareimpos ter,

   Today was a good day. Everyone is asleep now, somehow we all ended up in Soleas's room having a slumber party. It's Viktor, Soleas, Vanessa and myself all smushed together on two beds. Vanessa told me to get off my Com yet here I am, typing away. I know what we are all doing is wrong. I know that right now we should all be sleeping in our own beds and studying. Landis and Vaughan like to remind us of that.

   Anyways, I want to remember today for the rest of my life. Not only was it another great one to add to the time spent here with my friends but it was also the first day I saw Viktor genuinely smile. He even gave me a piggy back ride and I couldn't help but laugh the entire time. He comes off as serious and bland, but I think I am starting to see through it. Viktor has a heart, Viktor has a soul... Viktor is just like the rest of us.

   Apparently, his last name means he is someone important. But right now all I think of when I hear 'Blackmourne' is the friend who sat outside my room with me. He and Soleas are the only ones I have played my piano for so far. That means something to me. Maybe neither of them realize it but when I play for someone I am practically laying my soul out for them to see. All the messed up and jagged pieces are there... and they are what make me who I am.

   I hope Viktor continues to open up. I hope that he never forgets that I am his friend. I hope that between Soleas and Viktor I have never have to worry about not having someone again. I know I've said it a million times before but I don't either of them will ever know what they have done for me. It's because of them that I can smile today. I had forgotten that people could have true and genuine hearts. Both of them reminded me of that and remind me of that every single day.

         -Aspen

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Re: The Diary of Aspen Brookes
« Reply #2 on: August 29, 2017, 08:22:53 pm »
Dear Whateveryouareimpos ter,

   The other day I realized something. I have been deluded the entire time I have been in here. I thought that friendship and forming bonds was all part of becoming somebody. Turns out my friendship will only lead to getting someone killed. Vaughan made that clear. All this stupid shit we have all been pulling is going to wind up getting one of us Trim'd. All the stupid shit that I started.... I am going to get someone Trim'd.....

   I should be used to it I guess. I won't lie though, I thought for a moment that maybe I deserved to be happy. Either way the bonds I have formed here at the ATC I will never forget. Everyone, Every person, every friend I have made will always remain with me. They are the reason I'm doing this. I care that much. I refuse to bring anyone else down. I refuse to be the one who ruins everything again. So I'm just going to step back. I will cut them out not because I want to but because I have to. I will sacrifice anything for them, my own personal wants included.

   Maybe one day when all of this is over they will understand. If not and they just grow to hate me I will be okay with it. At least then they will be alive and not dead because of some stupid whim I started.


   I think I understand Vaughan a little better now.


   It doesn't hurt any less thinking this though. I want to be selfish. I want my friends to be here with me every step of the way. I already feel like part of me has been ripped out and thrown into the wastebasket under my desk. It has only been two days and I'm already tearing myself apart wanting to talk to Soleas and Viktor. I want to tell both of them that I didn't mean it... that I am always here. Even worse I was so cold to Soleas. I told him to pretty much mind his own business and screw off. I think I made it sound believable that I didn't care about him anymore, even if typing those simple words destroyed me in more ways than one.

   Viktor hasn't made a peep since Vaughan layed it all out for us. I hope he is not going through the same pain I am. I hope that one day Soleas and Viktor will forgive me for stepping back like I have. I hope for a lot of things... I always have. Doesn't mean my hopes count for anything though.

   Vanessa knows most of what is going on, but no one knows everything that goes on up inside of my head... well no one but you. Speaking of which I started working on a new song. I'm not done with it yet, I've only got the basic melody laid out on the keyboard so far. I have a lot more time on my hands lately, so maybe channeling that into a new song and some studying will do me some good. Right?

Finding refuge in my own lies
"How are you"
"I'm doing alright"
Small talk is a great disguise
Just let me be just let me be
Empty thoughts start to crowd my mind
Am I only living, living to survive?
Shake it off but I've lost the drive
Just let me be just let me be
Let me be, okay
All the voices in my head are coming to life
They're getting louder and I'm terrified
How do you run from your own mind?
Is this what I've become?
Take it back what have I done
 No one knows what goes on up inside my head
There's a new kind of poison and it's starting to spread
No one knows what goes on up inside my head
They don't think I need help
But I'm scaring myself
I just want to be ok

(OOC: Credit to Faith Marie's song Antidote)



         -Aspen

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