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Author Topic: Like a Boat into Oblivion [Nix!]  (Read 2431 times)

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Offline nephero

Re: Like a Boat into Oblivion [Nix!]
« Reply #20 on: June 25, 2017, 11:56:53 pm »
When Jack didn't immediately pull away, Jonesy took that as a sign that he would be allowed to continue, both hands moving up and over Jack's hair, loose and mussy as it was, running through the brilliant strands and straightening him up just a bit. Occasionally, Jonesy's fingers caught a snarl, and he undid those as gently as he could, helping his commanding officer in the few ways he ever could.

Eventually the touches just became idle petting, hands barely moving save for little movements of his fingers, running in tiny circles at the base of Jack's skull, like if Jonesy were petting one of the larger Borises rather than a full grown human man. But then again, this was also Jonesy, and him petting Jack like a Boris than a person was actually likely the far better of the two options. It... held something of a lack of fear, a lack of mistrust, that would ordinarily be reserved for anyone else.

If Jonesy had been in the mood to pretend at psychoanalyzing any of this, that would have been the conclusion anyway. As it were, he had enough of psych evaluations to last thirty lifetimes. What was imporant was Jack, and Jonesy's movements stilled only when Jack spoke again.

He paused, thought for a moment, before giving a soft little snort, shaking his head to go right along with it.

"You know," he said, licking his lips to rid himself of the dryness there, "I don't think you can be, if you're afraid you are. Something like... worrying about doing wrong can only really mean your intentions are ever good, because what kind of evil person gives a damn about the consequences of his actions, you know?"

He was sure he wasn't making any sort of sense, and shook his head again.

"You're not. I know you're not. You're you, Jack, and that's too good."

Offline Nix

Re: Like a Boat into Oblivion [Nix!]
« Reply #21 on: June 26, 2017, 12:28:39 am »
The hands through his messy hair, the soft petting of his head- it felt wonderful. Better than any girl who ever comforted him because Jonesy really understood.

Jonesy would always understand him better than anyone alive ever could. Even the rest of the old guard. If he really thought Jack couldn't be evil...

Why didn't it feel true though? His gut twisted and stabbed him with more guilt and fear than the alcohol. He was letting fear control him again. It never stopped, but he wasn't supposed to let it rule him like this. If Jonesy knew the truth he would know. He would know how bad Jack was. He would hate him. Maybe he should hate him.

He was letting his second in command, his fellow survivor, comfort him. He wanted Jonesy to comfort him. It was sickening. He was just taking advantage of his friend and brother in arms. He wasn't even being completely honest, and he had just said how he never wanted to keep shit from Jonesy. And he had been keeping shit for years.

"Jonah. I killed Laur."

As soon as the words left his mouth his throat swelled. It felt like he had been stabbed in the neck. Breathing was hard, the tears were pricking his eyes again and his mouth was drier than a desert. But the words left his mouth. They were out there. Finally.

Offline nephero

Re: Like a Boat into Oblivion [Nix!]
« Reply #22 on: June 27, 2017, 09:20:56 pm »
I killed Laur.

At first, Jonesy genuinely could not believe his own ears. It had happened before, of course. It had taken a very long time for him to learn to trust his own senses again, to believe in his own memories, to learn to take every bit of the fucked up confusion that had been drilled into his brain and turn it outwards instead of letting it fester. He was a miserable son of a bitch, but he knew what was happening around him. Like right now.

Somehow, not being able to trust what he heard seemed better.

His hands stilled, slid down, and settled against Jack's lower jaw. Jonesy looked into Jack's eyes, his own ultra blue searching for any hint of deception, and unfortunately, finding none.

"Not on purpose...?" he asked, less of an actual question and more like a statement of fact, because what else could it be? Jack couldn't have killed Laur on purpose, couldn't have done it out of malice or... or anything else. It was impossible. Utterly and perfectly impossible. This was Jack, Jack wasn't... couldn't be a murderer.

"What... what happened?"

Offline Nix

Re: Like a Boat into Oblivion [Nix!]
« Reply #23 on: June 30, 2017, 11:05:50 am »
Jack met his second's gaze. It was hard to do. He felt like Jonesy's hand on his jaw would be poisoned by the truth he just spoke. He expected the other man to flinch and pull away in pain. Instead it was Jack who pulled away first.

He sniffled a bit and rubbed his eyes on the back of his arm. "No. Not on purpose. But it was still my fault he-" Jack swallowed hard. "He went into that cloud and... I never got an all clear that he was through it but. I turned the cloud to icicles anyway.

He held one side of his face with hit palm, a balled up fist wiping at his other eye. "I fucked up. I fucked up so bad that Laur died. I killed him.. and Valdemar covered it up, so he could hold it over my head like a fucking sword all these years. I killed our brother. I don't deserve anyone's respect Jones. Laur should be here instead of me."

Offline nephero

Re: Like a Boat into Oblivion [Nix!]
« Reply #24 on: June 30, 2017, 07:04:24 pm »
"Yeah, you fucked up." Jonesy sat there, looking at his commander, his brows knit tight to create a deep wrinkle between them. His eyes, bloodshot and wide-pupiled as they were, were focused entirely on Jack's face, at how he scrubbed at his eyes to rid them of tears that just wouldn't stop. "You fucked up, and bad. But Jack, that... that doesn't make you evil."

He licked at his lips, found his mouth was too dry to do any such thing, and tried to find the right words to say. Tried to keep himself calm, if only so he didn't accidentally make Jack feel even worse. Tried to keep himself from absorbing too much of what Jack was feeling, because that would be an outright disaster. It was unthinkable, the amount of guilt Jack had to have bottled up all these years-- the agony of knowing that he had done the irreparable to one of their own, one of the old guard, on of their brothers and... dare Jonesy even say it, at the time, one of their friends.

Laur had always insisted on sticking together. It was a pantomime of what friendship was supposed to be, how it was supposed to form, but... in the end wasn't that what it was? People coming together, watching out for one another, being there... Jonesy was sure if he had still been alive, Laur would have wanted to call them friends. But he wasn't, and therein lay the exact problem.

"What happened was tragic. Genuinely. Badly. Tragic. But it was a tragedy, Jack-- you didn't want to kill him. You didn't mean to. And after a certain point you have to just... you have to just let that be that. You're not a bad man for this. You've never been a bad man for this, no matter what that fucking snake Valdemar had to say about it."

Jonesy all but spat out Valdemar's name, pushing every last ounce of audible venom into the proper noun, like the mere sensation of it in his mouth was-- oh, okay, that actually made him gag a little, goddammit. Cussing internally, more at himself than anything else, Jonesy took another breath and looked back up at his commander, lips pursed tight.

"It was an accident, Jack. You're no murderer. And as much as I miss Laur and I-- I do, man. I miss him. But as much as... as that. I wouldn't trade for you. Like it or not, deserve it or not, Jack, I will always, always be your second, and it will always be my own choice."

Jonesy shifted, took another long hit to calm his nerves, blew out the smoke over his shoulder and tried to decide on where he wanted to go with this. If he wanted to go anywhere. If now was really the best time to dig up any more skeletons, or if that should wait. If that should always wait. He honestly wasn't sure if he could trust himself to keep calm; the mere notion of it set his blood on fire, had him spitting acid and leaking poison, always to the point where even his appointed therapist who had training in handling this sort of thing quelled beneath the sheer force of his empathic projections. Jonesy always felt a little guilty about that-- that was his own bullshit, no one deserved to take the full brunt of it in a tiny little room. Certainly not Jack. But... but it was always different with Jack.

Ever since that first night, it was different; ever since Jonesy came to understand what Jack had done to help him when he was a fresh recruit, it was different; ever since Jonesy started putting the jigsaw puzzle of his own emotions together--

The younger Scorpion swallowed, tried to get his head in order.

"...I wish I'd waited, in hindsight. Laur deserved his own service. Not just to be... shunted off at the tail end of one." he took another hit, focused hard to keep his fury under control, and not have it go spiralling out into Jack's living room like a malignant ghost. "He was... one of the best of us. Good. Right. He hurt and he didn't let it cripple him, you know? He deserved his own goddamn funeral."

Offline Nix

Re: Like a Boat into Oblivion [Nix!]
« Reply #25 on: July 05, 2017, 10:54:44 pm »
When Jonesy didn't try to tell him it wasn't his fault, he was grateful. Because there was no changing facts. He did something terrible, and yet somehow Jonesy didn't hate him. Told him he had to let it just be an accident. It didn't really quell the guilt, but it soothed his nerves some. Jonesy knew, and didn't hate him. Someone knew. He didn't have to hold in the secret anymore. He clung to Jonesy's hand as fresh tears fell and froze to his cheeks.

Jonesy still wanted to be Jack's second.

He couldn't bring Laur back, but he did right by him in the end hadn't he? He did what Laur wanted to do, what they had planned to do. He reported those fucking bastards. He took care of his brothers, even if Ruslan and Valdemar weren't suffering in prison, even if they were still hurting others. He still freed the Scorpions right? He still tried. He wondered if Laur could ever forgive him. Laur was his brother, his friend. Always smiling, trying to help the others. He did deserve his own service but that bastard Judikael had to ruin that too-

Wait.

He had never been as overcome by Jonesy's emotions as others. He wasn't sure why, he figured subconsciously Jonesy was protecting him from the projections. Psychically redirecting the currents to avoid Jack. He had seen Jones wrap everyone else around them in a hellstorm of emotion but he always seemed to be in the eye of the storm. That didn't mean he couldn't feel the winds shifting.

The atmosphere in the apartment went heavy, darker.

I wish I'd waited, in hindsight.

Jack held Jonesy's hand tighter and to his chest, still unaware of his own frozen tears on his face, completely focused on Jones'. "What happened Jonesy?"

Offline nephero

Re: Like a Boat into Oblivion [Nix!]
« Reply #26 on: July 05, 2017, 11:29:35 pm »
For a moment, Jonesy didn't say anything. For a moment, he couldn't even get himself to move. But eventually he did, feeling like a statue come to life, creaking and breaking off pieces of himself in the process of turning to regard his commander again. To regard how he held Jonesy's hand to his chest-- and oh, there was no god, not when that felt so nice-- and how those tears had frozen to the other Pilot's face.

Jonesy wanted to wipe those tears away, but found he simply couldn't move any further. Stone, locked in place, and the only thing left to him was his mouth. He took a deep breath, and let it out again. Jack had trusted him with so much-- with his hurt, with his darkest and most vile secrets, with his weaknesses and his fears and all the other things that you never showed any other person ever. Jack had opened up his chest and given Jonesy every opportunity to bury the knife, and had trusted every time that Jonesy would never do it.

The least Jones could do was return the favor. And for Jack? No favor was too much.

"...I didn't do it personally. I figured if anything looked out of sorts... you know. Bullet to the back rather than the front, bullet from a high end rifle rather than anything those shitshows were using, or maybe I fuck up and do it too soon, before we even really got to the fighting, or maybe Judikael survived it and got a chance to point the finger... I was scared, I guess, of what Valdemar and Ruslan would do before Inquiry got me." he gestured, vaguely, at the living room, not even seeing it anymore. All he could see was the phantom memory of Judikael's back, his dragon's considerable wingspan, the assistant squadron leader just far enough ahead-- punching through the clouds of hell and nightmares with more of their own.

"I was supposed to follow the gas with him, you know. Do what I do best, just in case they got to masks in time or what the fuck ever. Except this time I didn't. There was this like... one lone rifleman, right? Everyone else was frenzied by that point, the gas was too much, but I guess he had gotten to high ground in time, or whatever. But he was okay. Or she, I don't know, I didn't really go looking too close. But, this rifleman wasn't all fucked up like the rest of them. And I..."

Jonesy took another breath, though this one wasn't to steady himself, but rather out of some malignant sort of glee, his lips twitching to bare his canines in a feral snarl at the memory of it all.

"I got in their head. And I made sure that rifleman was having the best goddamn day of their life. The best, Jack. They could do absolutely anything, and they did it. Right through the visor." he jerked his hand back, thumb pointing inwards, mimicking the path of a bullet with a click of his tongue. "Fucked up his face real good, too, the bastard... but."

And this was the crux of it. The fact that would haunt everything regardless of any ifs ands or buts. Jonesy frowned, and looked back at Jack again, at those frozen tears and that mussed hair and that gorgeous goddamn face still raw and open and hurting so badly.

"But it didn't fix anything. It didn't make me feel any better. It just fucked Laur over one more time and nothing else came of it. I'm still chronically incapable of having a meaningful goddamn relationship with anyone, and it didn't stop anyone else from getting hurt after. I killed Judikael because I fucking hated him, and it did nothing for me. You did, though, Jack. You stopped it. You fixed it. And whatever mistakes between then and now, you did it for all of us. You're my hero."

Offline Nix

Re: Like a Boat into Oblivion [Nix!]
« Reply #27 on: July 06, 2017, 12:06:44 am »
Jack held Jonesy's hand with both of his. He couldn't be mad at Jonesy, he wasn't sure he could ever be mad at him, let alone for this. Judikael had it coming and then some. The bastard deserved it, and it seemed fitting that it had been Jonesy's responsibility and not just some random rifleman.

"You did what you had to do. I could never blame you for your part in ending that bastard's life." Jack squeezed the hand in his while his other hand rubbed the back of Jones' with his thumb.

He hated Judikael too. Hated how he had been one of them and let himself become a monster... no, he always had the predilection. He hated how Judikael targeted and focused on Jonesy. He wanted to kill that bastard himself many a time. He was glad Jonesy had done it.

But it didn't bring Jonesy any peace. It felt like it should, but of course it didn't. Judikael dying didn't stop Ruslan and Valdemar. Jack got promoted after that. And even he couldn't stop it. Not right away. Not till much later. But he refused to become like Judikael. He took every punishment they dished out for his 'disobedience', both in public and in private. But they would not demote him and let him off the hook.

"..it was Laur you know. It was his plan." Jack closed his tear swollen eyes and took a shaky breath. He felt so weak, only Jonesy could see him like this, and he still felt like he was letting his Lead down. "He was the one who said once the fighting ceased we would report them. I never thought anyone would listen to us, but he said they would have to once we were at peace. We were going to testify together so the rest of you wouldn't have to."

He looked up at the other. "When Laur... after I killed him, I knew I had to finish what he started. I documented everything, like he had been doing. Every time anyone was called to the office, every bruise, every 'punishment' for reasons not given. I was going to stop them. Even if no one else would. That doesn't make me a hero though. Laur was the hero. I was just carrying the torch he lit. For him, and for you."

That sounded strange didn't it? Still Jack was too gone on the emotional drunkenness and more than a bit of the actual alcohol sickness to care.

"I just, all I ever wanted was to make it safe for you. So you could smile again one day. I wish it was that simple. You deserve to be happy Jonah."

Offline nephero

Re: Like a Boat into Oblivion [Nix!]
« Reply #28 on: July 22, 2017, 08:35:36 pm »
“If you can't blame me, Jack, I'm not going to let you blame yourself. Not for something you never intended to happen, and sure as shit not for my own emotional bullshit. It… it doesn't matter whose plan it was or who was going to do what… you were there in the end, Jack.”

He swallowed a bit, have a wry sort of false smile, and shook his head.

“You were the one who was there my first night. And you were the one who was there before. And every time after. You gonna blame Laur for that one, too?”

Something scrambled on a thousand legs in Jonesy’s chest, gnawing at his bones with razor sharp pincers until it felt like he'd drown in his own dust. Because how could he say any more than that? How could he even fathom being so selfish as to break the fragile safety they'd built around each other?

And for what? For what purpose?

Jonesy took a breath, and the gnawing thing subsided. He took another, and it disappeared, a beast that would never know any real peace, would feed on the scraps Jonesy gave it and would be grateful for that much.

Because that's all that Jonesy would allow for himself: scraps. No more. Never more. Not even his dying breath would bring about anything else. A scant, mealy diet of dust and moments like these, and those few moments he could count on K to open his stupid fat mouth. To let him pretend what that would be like.

Fuck all that. The beast chittered, perhaps a bit hopefully, and Jonesy repaid it with a boot to the face. Shut the fuck up with that.

But torches, it clicked, and Jonesy stomped down hard again.

But happiness, it squealed, and Jonesy felt chitin crack. It fell silent after that, but Jonesy knew better. It would never actually die. What kind of demon would go that easy?

“Come on,” he said instead, looking over at the other man, his face carefully devoid of the inner turmoil he'd been wrestling with. “I'm happier than I was. It's not perfect, it's not fixed, but it's miles ahead of where I ever was before. Especially around you, so… y'know. Selling yourself short and all.”

Offline Nix

Re: Like a Boat into Oblivion [Nix!]
« Reply #29 on: July 22, 2017, 10:08:07 pm »
That first night.. and before when he let Jonah think he hated him... that he was stealing opportunities and talking shit about the new recruit to their superiors.... all the times after.

"No that was me. That was my fault." Jack murmured. That fake smile was starting to make his soul crumble.

If he could change anything he would go back and do whatever necessary to get Jonesy kicked off the Scorpions before anyone could hurt him. Before he joined the ranks of the broken. It wouldn't matter if Jonah Cole hated him. He would still be able to smile. That would be worth everything.

Jack rolled his head back onto the couch and let his eyes close. They were just too heavy at this point. He was exhausted and empty. He kept seeing Valdemar's face in the back of his mind and he wished to every devil that still existed that that smug prick could know every ounce of pain and misery the members of the old guard still felt. He wanted Ruslan and Valdemar to die horrible deaths all alone.

Jack shifted a little to look at Jonesy again, cracking open his heavy eyes. Happier around him? How could he be? He was despicable... and yet. It made him so happy to hear that.

"I mean it. You should be happy. I'm so sorry Jonah."

He closed his eyes again, so tired and still so drunk.

"Since you came into my life you have been the most important thing in it. Laur wanted me to tell you that but how can I? I wanted you from the first time I saw you. I was just as bad as them. I still am."

He couldn't say that though.

And yet, in his already dozing state, he did.

Offline nephero

Re: Like a Boat into Oblivion [Nix!]
« Reply #30 on: July 22, 2017, 10:45:56 pm »
The nasty thousand-legged thing in his chest clacked. Moved its feet against his heart. Clacked and chittered and roiled to where Jonesy could barely breathe. No matter what he did, he couldn't get it to stop, couldn't get it to curl up and just die already, because there was no way he had just heard Jack Ladner say that.

He was staring, open mouthed and brows knit and breath gone to the winds, his lungs burning and something terrible rising in his belly, something hot and furious and so terribly, impossibly, awfully like hope. Were the gods really that cruel? Did they really hate him that much? Or were they so dispassionate to his suffering, so apathetic, that they'd really just sit back and let this all pile on further.

Jack Ladner wanted him?

Jack Ladner wanted him?

Jack Ladner, the man who Jonesy would follow to hell and back, the man who Jonesy idolized, his hero, his savior, his commander, the only man who could ever understand just how fucked up he really was and still want to be around him, the only man in this entire fucked-up world who was even remotely close to being worth a damn--

Jack Ladner, a good man with a good heart, wanted him.

The thing in his chest chittered, squirmed, rose up and clawed and bit at his ribs, squealing in that awful, terrible way it had: happiness! Torches! Want!

"...What?" Jonesy whispered, still watching his commander, not trusting his own senses. Not wanting to trust his own senses, because what if they had been wrong? What if he had heard wrong, and what if he said the wrong thing and it all had turned out to be a mistake, a big giant awful mistake? And then Jack would know what had been eating him alive and keeping him going at the same time, had been doing so for years. And what then?

What then?

What else could possibly happen when Jonah Cole expressed his affections to someone who knew him inside and out? What else could possibly happen when Jonah Cole told Jack Ladner how he felt, the only good thing he could feel anymore?

It was disgusting, the whole thought of it was disgusting; why would Jack ever want someone like him? Just where did he even get off pretending, anyway? Getting all feel-good-gooey whenever K commented about them being "so fucking married". Where did he get off thinking that a vile, awful, broken, useless piece of shit like him would ever be good enough--

Happiness! Torches! Want!

"What?" he repeated, and hated how his voice broke, throat overdry and barely capable of even that small word. "I-- I can't breathe-- oh, fuck, I-- I can't--"

Offline Nix

Re: Like a Boat into Oblivion [Nix!]
« Reply #31 on: July 23, 2017, 01:57:25 pm »
That small stuttering voice made his eyes flutter back open. What had happened? Was Jones choking? No... more like a panic attack it seemed.

"Hey.. hey shhh... come on Jonesy. It's ok.. you're ok. Lean forward... deep breaths ok?" Jack was immediately awake again, rubbing his Lead's back. "Shh... deep breaths. It's ok.." What had happened in the few minutes or so he had dozed off? Was this his fault? Of course it was.

Jonesy said not to blame himself but he was just being a good Lead. Of course it was his fault. He just told him he killed one of their own and was not the strong hero he tried to be for the rest of them. Jack had even gone to visit Valdemar. He had just utterly failed Jonesy. He was weak and deplorable and had no right being the Scorpion's commander.

Valdemar had basically said as much.

"I'm sorry. I put too much on you. You don't need these burdens. It's not part of your job to deal with my problems." He said softly, pulling back. He never meant to hurt Jonesy. Not ever.

Offline nephero

Re: Like a Boat into Oblivion [Nix!]
« Reply #32 on: August 01, 2017, 11:50:32 am »
There really were no gods left. If they'd ever existed, they were long dead, and if they weren't dead, they were the rotten, crusty remains of something that had once been much greater. The flies left buzzing around foul meat.

Because there was no other explanation for what was happening; there he was in Jack's quarters, with Jack's hand on his back, the Commander doing what he did best and trying to help keep Jonesy's shit in order. Jonesy took huge, gulping breaths, fighting down the tightness in his chest and shaking from the effort of it all. Everything felt like it was underwater; even Jack's voice was muted, and it was through gasping breaths that Jonesy fought to focus long enough to hear what he was saying.

I'm sorry. I put too much on you.

Oh, Jack. Jonesy's brows knit tight, and even more so when Jack pulled back. No. No. Not yet. Not yet, just let him pretend for a little longer you fucking cosmic sociopaths! Just a few minutes longer!

Praying never fixed anything. Jonesy shook, and he grabbed hold of Jack's wrist without thinking. The thing in his chest was just so desperate, and Jonesy was too tired to beat it into submission again. And so he pulled, brought Jack back close, took another steadying deep breath and wrapped his arms around the other Pilot's chest.

Just a few minutes longer. Just a little bit longer. It was selfish, of course. It was selfish and stupid, but that only made him hug closer. Another deep breath, and he felt like he might actually crumble to pieces because now all he could smell was Jack, and gods all if that wasn't the best thing in this or any world.

 

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