After this Mia was pretty sure she would never eat salt on anything again. Tears cried, dried, and then cried again left a residue on her cheeks and lips that was growing more unpleasant by the day. How many days had it been anyway? After a while everything seemed to mesh together, leaving Mia alone with her own thoughts. It was something she had already convinced herself that she should get used to anyway.
For all she knew Evan was dead; she knew it the moment he didn’t get off the rail yet couldn’t bring herself to act on it or to truly believe it. She had hope, the hope that any minute now he would be stepping off the train having missed it, and that all of this was just a big mess. Even after being here for a few hours she hoped he would come and that everyone would see she was right. If Yavul had just given her a little more time…
”Yavul…” a single thought that brought the salty waves of disappointment back.
He said she was fired, said he was getting her out of his city the first chance he got. It was his city, wasn’t it? She wasn’t a Valkyrie anymore; this wasn’t her home anymore. Evan was dead, Yavul hated her, she wasn’t a Valkyrie… almost everything most precious to Mia was gone in a matter of minutes. Pain and loss used to be something foreign to her. She had never known her mother to mourn her passing after all. Other than that Mia had it lucky, never losing anything that precious up until Violet. Even then, that pain was nothing compared to the emptiness she was feeling now. She wanted to say it hurt, but that would require feeling everything again. Maybe if she just turned it off like everyone else, maybe then she could go on? Was that even possible for her?
”Evan…” his name surfaced in the back of her mind at the thought of feeling nothing. Evan wouldn’t want that for her, but it would just be so much easier. It would be easier to feel nothing at all than to feel what was fighting just below the surface. It was a feeling that had coursed through her over and over, striking harder and harder with each new wave.
She couldn’t lie to herself like she had at the rail station anymore.
She just needed to know, she needed facts, data, something on paper putting everything together that was scattered all over the place in that moment. It had always helped before to write it all out with even the most miniscule tasks. Things like making cards: something for an occasion that referred to a date or event, or a gift: usually with a nickname just so she could remember the person attached to it, all of it had to be bright, colorful, sparkling so that it would stand out in her mind. Only once all the details were laid out in front of her, could she truly see the big picture.
Her eyes shifted to the package of crayons by the farthest wall. This is what she needed, pictures, something to get everything out of her head and in front of her to analyze. With the back of her hand Mia wiped away what she could from her cheeks before getting up, grabbing the package, and ripping it open. She had a medium and the canvas of the vast and empty walls of her prison. As she drew, everything came out; all the feelings and memories that had been violently assaulting her were repeatedly pouring out the tip of her crayon. She couldn’t say how long exactly she had been drawing and laying it all out. All Mia knew was that once she had started, she couldn’t stop until it was done, and, in the end, she was face to face with her innermost thoughts. There were memories, fond ones of Mia with her squad that were now just that… memories. After all of this there would be no more, Yavul said so himself. She was done. No more hide and seek. No more day to day activities at Valhalla. No more Valkyries.
She took a moment to reflect on what memories she did have and on all the fun things they had done together. From the very first day when Addie rescued her from the dog, before they even knew they were teammates, they were working together. Another was of when everyone came over to help put her table together. Raz had found her screwdriver and Alpaca had agreed that the table was better crooked. Or the day they all came over and one by one were victims of the glue-glitter apocalypse. Yet, despite that at the end of the day when they all were stuck, every single one of them had been laughing about it.
Mia felt another wave coming as she continued to reminisce. Her hair used to be so long, but she had cut it to throw off the scent for Nishi during hide and seek. Harley had had her Com, pretending to be her, though they all knew better after just a few minutes. She still felt so smart using the greenhouse to hide, the smell of flowers masking where she really was for the longest time. Even if they were nothing in comparison to the ones in Margad, it was still a great day. Every day was a great day for a while…
Another drawing of Mia’s memories was in Margad. Talbot, her Uncle Soba, used to play a similar game with her. In this game he always found her, not hard when she got distracted and always chose the same spots. She was much younger but even then, it was clear her love of flowers and the creatures that found solace within them were rooted deeply. She remembered how sweet the flower crates being sent out smelt. All those flowers packed together so that when you opened the lid even a smidge, you would get the most amazing assault on your senses. Or the soil crates coming in, samples from all of the domes for more exotic floral experiments. Often there was a strange bug or two as a stowaway she could add to her collection, a poor creature pulled away from home that Mia had to save.
Then there were the sounds, the sensations just from walking through. The sprinklers kicking on and off, the subtle disturbance of a butterfly taking off or landing on a petal. The sound of the locusts in the late afternoon, calling out just before the dark. If only she could’ve had the chance to show Evan the flowers and creatures of Margad. She never even got a chance to introduce him to her dad. In fact, there was so much she never got to do with him, so much lost forever now.
Razzle, Evan… The Valkyries. All lost, gone forever in a day.
Taking a step back Mia looked at her creation as a whole, lips set in a firm line as she took it all in. Figures and flowers, all of them crossed out with a large red X. This was everything taken from her, the losses she would never reclaim. Then, set far away from all of the other drawings was a stick figure with short red hair. Mia knew what being fired meant. She knew she failed to follow orders, which was unacceptable for a Pilot. It wouldn’t be long now before they shipped her off to The Citadel to be detained for even longer. Who knew, they would probably even poke and prod her like a candidate who just wasn’t cut out for the program. Who would save her? Yavul wouldn’t… he hated her now. Blu? Soba? No, it wasn’t worth the risk. She wouldn’t want them to anyway. All Mia wanted was to be a Valkyrie with her family and if she couldn’t have that then, well she didn’t want anything.
She took another step towards the wall, drawing another large red X between her own figure and the Valkyries, the connection that was gone forever now. This was going to be where her road ended and at least in this moment she had come to accept it. If it all ended, if everything just went away then she wouldn’t have to feel this way anymore. No more pain, no more regrets. Everything would just be… done.
“I’m sorry.” Mia dropped the crayon, letting it slip through her fingertips until there was nothing to hold onto at all. Another step forward as she lifted her hand, fingers extending to one of the stick figures with darker hair and white stripes (and people say the white crayon is useless! HA!). She truly was sorry for not listening. Mia knew all Yavul wanted was her to be safe and that she had directly put herself in harm's way for misplaced hope. She had betrayed him, ignored him, and made him focus on her rather than the fact that Razzle had also just gone missing. Not only that, but Mia also had become someone unrecognizable in those moments. She was no longer acting as part of a squad or a pilot but instead was being selfish. Mia was putting herself and everyone coming to her side in danger of sharing the same fate as Razzle and Evan.
Turning away, Mia closed her eyes, and slid down the wall until the space between herself and the floor was nonexistent. Another wave was coming, she could feel it as her stomach started to twist again. Her muscles tensed, preparing for the onslaught of emotion that was about to slam into her. The floodgates began to open and before she knew it Mia was grabbing at her knees trying to fight it. Evan was dead, Raz was dead… everyone was dead. Yavul hated her, Blu was mad at her, the Valkyries were ashamed of her. Who would want a Pilot like her around anyway?
“I don’t want to be dumb anymore,” she squeaked. “I don’t want to not understand anymore. I don’t want to annoy people anymore.” Her cries escalated as Mia began tearing herself down over and over again.
All of those other pilots were right for calling her out before. It was a shock she even made it through Candidacy and placed into a squad to begin with. They were right for calling her stupid, slow, and idiotic. She didn’t deserve to be in a squad, or to be a Pilot for that matter, because when it really mattered all she did was let them all down. How could someone trust a Pilot as stupid as her anyway? How could someone love a person like her?
Love… the word shot Mia in the chest, a through and through bullet-hole, that forced the convulsions to stop. Her body was so frozen, that she couldn’t even draw a breath while hanging onto the word. “Evan,” her lips barely parting with the name. That’s when the stabbing started all over again, piercing Mia’s heart time and time again until she was sure there was none left to destroy. After that everything came rushing in again and Mia found herself pulling at her knees once more.
“Awoooooooo….” One of the most pitiful, pathetic, and weak howls for help to ever be sang. Even more pathetic because she knew no one would answer. You have to be a Valkyrie for it to work…
