Most times Sparrow would dream of a view like tonight. The sky was clear, the stars visible through the top of the dome untouched by the filthy smog that usually blocked the view. Yet despite it she felt nothing but sorrow as her eyes scanned the galaxy spread out above her. The night was quiet, the dome streets at a seeming standstill due to the events that had transpired. Even just outside the flight bay was silent as everyone was inside, all the reinforcements called in with their faces buried in a stack of paperwork or glued to a screen. Perhaps she to should do the same, staring at screens hoping for some kind of a response. However, no matter how hard she tried Sparrow’s focus was elsewhere, locked in on the sky above as Pixie’s heart wrenching whines reverberated through her as he also looked above. All she could do was lean against her landed skid, sitting just outside under the stars. Pixie knew he was up there somewhere, even a dog able to gather that someone was missing and that he was up there… somewhere.
With each blink Sparrow found herself reliving it, running through every scenario that could have saved him if she had just acted quick enough. He was there, and then he wasn’t. They were a complete squad, and then they weren’t. All in the blink of an eye her world was turned upside down for what felt like the millionth time. It was her own fault, expecting life to stop dealing hard blows and that for once things would go as planned. For the second time she found herself screaming for him, reaching out for Grisham as he was carried away with her not knowing if he was going to live or die. The second time she watched the closest thing she ever had to a father ripped away by the hands of fate.
”There was an accident…”
Drawing in a deep breath Sparrow hissed, fighting back tears she had already cried a thousand times over as she relived her conversation in Solarta earlier that day. She was so angry with herself, so angry at Grisham, so angry at this fucked up world for taking from her time and time again. She wasn’t sure what was worse. There was this emptiness in her chest, yet it was familiar in the most painful way. But Yavul, the deafening silence she received when she broke the news hurt her far worse. Just looking into his eyes felt like someone was reaching into her own chest, ripping out the beating heart that kept her alive. She saw in those few moments what kind of lifeline Grisham was for him, and she had just told him he may never have that lifeline again.
”He was just fixing a tiny malfunction. He was supposed to be clear and then… it was like it came out of nowhere…”
”He… he’s gone and we don’t know where he is or if he’s even alive.”
”Yavul, I’m so sorry.” the only words that she could muster in the pen dropping silence that filled Yavul’s office after she broke the news. The sound unnervingly similar to how she felt after her crash. That silence of literal nothingness but your own breath, your own blood coursing through your veins.
And that silence resided with her the entire flight home. Even as the world continued to move around her all Sparrow heard was silence. Her own thoughts the only company she kept up until now. Even Vaas didn’t exist despite him being right there with her the whole time. Looking back over at Pixie another tear fell, running down past her chin to her neck. He was still whimpering, looking to the sky for the Hellion that never came back down. The Hellion who on any other occasion was the first to greet him.
“Pixie stop.” The massive black canine only looking at her for a brief moment before returning to staring at the sky, his chest jumping with each whimper as he cried for Grisham.
“I said stop Pixie” her voice sterner, shattering the silence of the night. “He’s gone! He’s gone and for all we know he’s de-…” She immediately stopped herself, unable to finish the statement as if saying it would make it truer. More tears dashed down her cheeks while Pixie went back to crying to the sky.
”Your veneer is cracking….” Grisham’s words resurfacing from a not so distant memory as she pulled her knees in, curling into the smallest form she could manage. “I’m only cracking because you keep fucking trying to die on me you old ass hat.” Her words mixed between sobs as she spoke to the man who wasn’t even there. The lack of reply only assuring her of his absence.
The reality that he really was gone started to hit. There was still so much she needed from him, so much she wanted to learn and in turn give. In a way she felt cheated, fucked over by life yet again. There was that chance of him missing so much, all the things that Sparrow had dreamt of sharing with him over the course of many years. She wanted him to see her love, to know that he was a big part in her happiness. She wanted him to walk her down the aisle, give her away to the life that he had guided her through. She wanted her future children to have it too, the man who was always there offering a hand when needed. She wanted them to see how amazing of a person Grisham really was, to experience it just as she did. Was it greedy to want both Grisham and Seiteki there? She needed them both, yet it seemed like one was constantly being dangled in front of her by a string ready to be snatched away at any moment.
“Dammit!” more sobs as Sparrow tried to wipe them away as she tilted her chin to the sky. “You’re always fucking trying to be a hero or something! Why did it have to be you to fix it!? Why couldn’t it have been me!? Why didn’t you tell me to pay closer attention or something!?”
As she continued to yell rage began to take over, lifting Sparrow back on her feet as she kicked at whatever was unfortunate enough to be in her path. “You’re always being so fucking mystical and heroic! Well let me tell you ya’ old fuck, THIS IS NOT A LESSON I WANTED TO LEARN!”
“Yeah! You hear that!? I DIDN’T WANT TO LEARN HOW TO DEAL WITH YOU DYING!” she paused, her chest moving with angry breaths as balled fists fell to her sides. She continued to look above, as if somehow her screaming would reach him and he would hear every single word and respond… but nothing.
“Why… why did it have to be you…” Angry words began to fall, her voice breaking more and more with each curse coming from her lips. “Why are we not laughing around the table for a mission well done right now? Wanna know why? It’s because you had to go flying off into space…” Again silence as Sparrow’s front began to break. She had to gather herself, to put everything back together before she started falling apart all over again.
“Well let me tell you something Grisham Alberich! When I find you, you had better hope and prey I don’t kill you before Yavul does! You hear me!? Yeah you better be fucking scared!” And as if Grisham could see her from some distant telescope or something Sparrow reached down and grabbed the nearest thing, which happened to be one of Vaas’s wrenches, and she chucked it into the sky. “BE SCARED!”
Hell or high water she was going to help find him. He wasn't getting off that easy and god forbid she gave it less than her best in locating him.
