Session 9 [Goblin!]

[nephero]

As promised, Ren listened, tracing the claws of his free hand over her ankles in slow, soothing circles. It was a bit of physical touch that was every bit for him as it was for her - the repetitive motions gave him something to focus on, a task to complete that he couldn't possibly fuck up but gave a hell of a reward. It was something they'd both figured out a good while ago, but the fact remained Ren was starved for praise and validation. This was a very easy way to earn both.

He took another drink, hummed in thought, and drank again.

"...It's not stupid. I know for a fact you're not an idiot, and… life's so fucking weird. I can't shake my head too hard at wanting to call a guy who showed up in Aurora just to make sure you weren't dead. And, in addition, you're going on other dates, aren't you?"

[GoblinFae]

She sighed deeply, drinking more wine as her eyes half closed in pleasure at his touch. "Feels good when you do that. And it's hard. It took things ending and him showing up still caring after everything and me almost dying to realise....that I've been down this path and going back is just toxic choices. And I wouldn't call it dating so much as, mmm what's the most impolite and graphic term I could use to describe it? Help me out what's a salacious way to say screwing men's brains out?"

[nephero]

"Fucking like wild rabbits," Ren offered helpfully. He sipped his wine again before setting the glass to the side. He considered for a long moment, and longer again still, before finally speaking again. "Do you think all the sweetness now is just an act?"

[GoblinFae]

Tension flooded her body and Kielen froze at the notion. Thoughts flew through her head in a whirlwind of possibilities before settling on a simple, resounding no. She shook her head, placing down her glass as well and collecting their plates, handing one to him and resting the other in her lap.

“I mean it could be possible but I don’t think so. He was always sweet. He just….he plunged forward towards marriage faster than I was comfortable with keeping up. What broke us was pack of communication and trust from him. I lost who I was when I was with him. This whole moving domes and learning from others sabbatical is supposed to be about, yes getting the tools for the job for promotions and career tracks but….finding Kielen again. And yes I’m having sex again but it’s kinda lackluster honestly. It’s not like he’s even the best I’ve ever had but I’m bored. Does not bode well for our devotee of the Three C’s. I don’t know. Should be illegal to talk to someone for eight hours on the phone several times a week and texting on the nights when you don’t talk.”

There was a pause as she stabbed at her food for a moment, then humming in delight at the taste. “The thing of it is, I think he genuinely cares and would have me back. I’m just the harlot stringing him along I guess. The worst part is…it’s not even out of revenge. WHICH! I may add I’d be completely justified in. Bastard almost cost me my career and future! But, I’m not even wanting to string him along. I just really like talking with him. I really liked being with him. It was good but it wasn’t good for me. That’s really the crux of it isn’t it though? Self-destructive tendencies feel good. But they’re not good for us. And we’re not about that life anymore now are we?”

She nudged him gently with her leg and wiggled her brow at him with a grin.

[nephero]

   Ren took his plate without a word, letting her continue to gather her thoughts as he cut his steak down to easy, shred-able bites. It was a good steak, and his teeth made short work of it, though he was still careful to shield his face from view while he chewed. Even someone as familiar with elfkind as Kielen was, Ren was hesitant to put her on edge.

   So he listened, and carefully ate, and peppered in a few quiet 'the fuckers' as necessary, especially about her ex's penchant for rushing things and almost getting the woman fired. Or worse. As she nudged him with her leg, however, he had to smile and give her ankle another gentle scratch.

   "No, we are not about that life, mistress." He took a few more bites of dinner and drank down the rest of his wineglass. "Do you think, maybe, eight hours several times a week might be something self-destructive? I mean... I'm not exactly a good example of anything, but do you think talking that much is making sex boring? Or affecting things otherwise?"

   He hummed a bit, head tilting back and forth as he continued to scratch her leg. "I mean... I trust your judgment, of course. I can see exactly why someone would want to put a ring on you," he patted her shin teasingly, "and if it were me, I'd be clinging to every last scrap of attention I could from..."

   Ren trailed off, and cleared his throat a bit.

   "But it's hard to focus, being in love. Even harder to focus if you have to keep telling yourself not to be, at the same time. I think maybe... you'll need to decide, one way or the other."

[GoblinFae]

Kielen shrugged and chewed in thought. She had no issue with how he ate although she would not have minded if he had not been hiding his mouth. It brought him comfort so she let him have it. Some habits after all were just not worth breaking. "I can't exactly move on if I don't ever stop being stuck in the same place. And if I spend all my nights on the phone with him then what else can I do to spend my time, y'know? I mean sure my phone is silenced, I'm spending my evening to you. But I'm sure if we looked there'd be a few from him already patiently waiting for my return. Reminders that he's thinking of me and whatnot.

"But you are mistaken there. I'm not in love with him. I think it's more of a matter that he's....comfortable. I know what to expect with him and he feels safe even though he's the one that burned me so badly. I'm not the settling type. I am not going to be someone's pretty trophy wife, or wife in general I suppose. I'm too headstrong and independent for anyone to want to enjoy keeping distracted and in place.

"I mean sure I share the same cosmology as you in that we have resonances, we have another half of our soul that matches ours. And if the stars are right we'll find them in the same lifetime. But I don't think they were cruel enough to curse someone with being able to find me. It would be a lot better for them to not have to try and tie me down, because I won't go quietly into the night" she laughed good-naturedly.

"And you though? Have you decided?"

[nephero]

"Well," Ren said slowly, leaning back into the couch and eyeing her some, "what would you prefer? To be comfortable, or to be you?"

He stretched out his legs, humming softly as his ankles popped. He considered her question for a long moment, watching the incense from across the room, listening to the gentle ticking of the clock.

"I've decided to be in love. Whatever that'll bring me, it doesn't matter."

[GoblinFae]

A closed-lipped wide smile lit up her face at his words. "Then I am happy for you and I will be here with you every step of the way. Just so long as you remember to also love yourself. And to remember that you are a blessing to be loved by let alone to be allowed to love. My perfect treasure."

She nudged him again affectionately before shifting and grinning wider. "How go your match-making efforts between your Commander and your friend? Jane was it? Any progress updates?"

[nephero]

"I said I decided to be in love, nothing more than that," he said quietly, back to scratching her leg. "I just mean that... if I'm going to live my life, I'd rather not shut myself away."

He eyed her, perhaps a little pointedly.

"...Jain, yeah," he said, acquiescing to the change of subject. "It goes... slow. Neither of them are much for running blind, and Jain, she... is a lot like me in a lot of ways. Unsure of our worth in a world that seems brighter than we are."

[GoblinFae]

"That's what happens I'm afraid when city lights drown out true starlight. We fail to see our own glow among all the shit. And, on the original topic I know and it's why I approve. Whatever he does is what he does. What I care about is what you do. And if choosing not to love is what it takes for you to feel fulfillment and alright, then that is enough for me. If choosing to love and be at peace with whatever that means for you is enough then I am pleased also. I just want you to be alright at the end of the day, Ren. And whether you are or are not, I'll still be here to help. Making the decision though is the first step and a big one. I'm proud of you," she added with a pointed look of her own. "Really and truly."

[nephero]

"Thank you," Ren said, quietly. He looked over at her and gave a tired little smile. "Really and truly, thank you."

He leaned forward, nudging Kielen's legs so he could get to his feet and put his leftovers into the fridge. It was also an excuse to fetch more wine, which he poured with gusto for them both.

"And you? What do you think you'll choose?"

[GoblinFae]

With his absence Kielen took the time to curl up further on the couch. Her heels were kicked off in favor of tucking her legs beneath her and the moment that Ren returned, Kielen was curling in to press close to his side, her arm going around his waist as she sipped her wine in thought.

"I don't know," she finally replied, voice soft and a bit pained as if the answer scared her. "Me," she said with more conviction. "Whatever my choice will be, it will be for me."

Kielen shook her hair out, before giving him a slight pinch along the ribs. "What do you think? Can the Queen find better?"

[nephero]

"Better than you?" Ren clicked his tongue. "Not likely. Better than him? Does that even matter?"

Ren shook his head some with a sigh. "It'll never be something you can sit and tally. It'll never be something that's such an easy choice. There's probably a thousand men as good or better, out there somewhere. But what is it you want? Is it something you'd even want to look for? You were happy before having a boyfriend, so why not that again?"

[GoblinFae]

She looked at him a bit startled by his answer before smiling and nodding. "My wise, Knave. I think the problem lies though in that before he was my boyfriend, the old me was very content to chase the next high and party until dawn. But, I am no longer that Kielen. I am, a bit lost. It's like opening a door and then pretending you never experienced or witnessed the contents inside. The harder you try to ignore and forget it, the more you think about it. I don't know if I can find what I had with him with someone else, or if I'm just afraid of being alone again. My brother is settling down, my friends have paired of, all of which I'm very happy for them over but also..."

Kielen shrugged and sipped her wine. "Chasing my next high is not enough and I don't know if I want to be there to find out what I have become when I've finally lost myself in it. And...I can't even blame that on him, anymore than you can blame your resonance for being who and what he is."

She laughed mirthlessly. "I told you things are a mess."

[nephero]

   "Yeah, they're a mess," Ren agreed with a little shrug, drinking deeper from his glass and letting the wine sink into his bones, melting him further into the couch with every swallow. It made the topic easier to deal with - he didn't blame Kielen for lamenting, and he certainly sympathized with her, and sure, it gave him plenty of something besides his own fool self to focus on.

   ...Where was he even going with that train of thought?

   Right, Kielen. Kielen and her ex and the conundrum that was.

   "But it sounds to me... like you're tired of being numb."

[GoblinFae]

Kielen nodded against his shoulder, slumping into him some as if all the heavy thoughts were suddenly pressing down on her in a tangible manner. "...it's been so long since I've felt anything. With him I felt something. I won't say I felt alive but...warm. And now everything is just boring and muted. Sex is unappealing. Chocolate tastes bland. Coffee doesn't even warm me up inside. Wine doesn't give much of a buzz. Drugs do their thing but the crash is harder. Even the job has lost a lot of its thrill. The puzzles that made me so excited to dissect feel disinteresting. I know my worth. I know where I stand in the world. But heavy is the head that wears the crown? It's very lonely here up at the top. Don't say I recommend it."

[nephero]

   "Duly noted, I shall make every effort to not be a queen in heels." Ren nudged her teasingly, attempting a smile as if that would somehow cheer her up. Soon after though, he softened, and gave her another little nudge. "You also just got done with a near-death experience right on the heels of a catastrophic breakup that nearly meant the death of your career. Being a depressed mess, I think, in this case, is a midge understandable."

   He tilted his head a bit, and attempted to tease again. "But if you insist, I can eat the chocolate cake all by myself."

[GoblinFae]

Her lips twitched in amusement even as she blinked and considered how he'd look in heels. "I mean you could. Just make sure you have good ankle support if you're following my nine inch example."

She sobered quickly though as everything was put into stark perspective. Kielen turned to him and pressed a chaste kiss to his cheek. "Thank you for returning the favor, Sweet Thang." She sat up fully on her knees so she towered over him and gave his hair a playful tug so his head tilted back to look up at her. "But don't for a second think I have fallen so low as to forsake my beloved first love, chocolate."

Kielen giggled, easing her grip on his mane to rub lightly along his scalp, soothing whatever ache she caused there in the process. "Shall I go get it, then? Or you still full from dinner?"

[nephero]

"I think I'm tall enough, thank you." He grinned, even as his hair was tugged, and ducked his head slightly in deference to her. It was all in jest, of course - he knew he wasn't truly in trouble, and it never failed to strike him how refreshing that was. This wasn't like with his birthgiver, where there was no knowing if he was pleased or angry until it was already too late. Either way, it usually meant some string of insults and barbed words, so the difference never really mattered anyway.

Kielen, however, was different. He could push and if it was indeed too much, she just told him so. The first few times, of course, had led to a pretty bad meltdown on his part, but by now... by now, he didn't even get a twinge of panic. It was nice, not being terrified of interaction.

"I'm fairly full. To be honest, I had ordered it for you, so if you'd like it now, it's all yours." He shrugged a bit. "I can get it for you."

[GoblinFae]

"Stay, it's alright. We can share it later if you're feeling up to it," she offered while pressing a staying hand to his chest to ensure he didn't try to get up on her. Kielen continued to kneel up over him, petting his hair with her other hand as she looked down at his face warmly. "Have I ever told you how much I adore your freckles? They're so pretty and sweet looking."